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2nd January 2025 - A Happy New Year - apart from two arrests and a scene at the Cock and Bull


First of all, I would like to wish a Happy New Year to all of my constituents, and to anyone out there in the wider world who uses my blog to keep up to date with the twists and turns of fenland politics.

I must apologise for not having been available over the past few weeks. As I believe my PA has explained, I was indisposed and hospitalised following a very unfortunate housework accident. I must thank all of you who sent me cards and flowers: it was extremely thoughtful of you, and I'm sure that your best wishes aided my recovery... although it's probably worth noting that if anything like this were to ever happen again (and I fervently hope that it does not), gifts of whisky or brandy would probably assist my recovery more than gifts of cheap flowers from the local petrol station.

As well as visits from my PA, who brought along the cards and flowers that everyone had sent, my spirits were also raised during my hospital stay by frequent visits by my significant other, Ivanya. As soon as she heard that I had been hospitalised, she rushed to the hospital to be by my side, and her tender ministrations were a huge comfort to me... especially on those occasions when we closed the curtains around my bed during her visits. Thank Noel for private healthcare and private wards.

Now that I am fully recovered, I have instructed Welsby to initiate legal procedings against my erstwhile housemaid, whose extreme carelessness with a feather duster caused my hospitalisation. Welsby tells me that this is ongoing as I write and that she is being charged with Grievous Bodily Harm with Intent.

A French maid holding a feather duster being bundled into the back of a police van

Madame Oohlala feeling the long arm of the law

With that little bit of unpleasantness out of the way, I have returned to dealing with my parliamentary and constituency work, and I very much look forward to representing my constituents with the same degree of diligence that I showed last year.

A couple of news articles caught my attention while I was lying in my hospital bed. Firstly, I see that the Deform UK party leader, Fromage, has been brown-nosing not only Donald Trump, but Elon Musk, over in the US. No doubt he has been sniffing out donations for party funds. I am not sure that is entirely a good thing: do we really want the richest man in the world having a hold over us and dictating our party policies? Some of our policies are mad enough as things stand at the moment. Noel only knows what kind of policies we'd end up with if Musk stuck his gold-plated oar in. I shall be advising Fromage to tread very carefully in this matter. Not that he will listen to a word I say.

The other news story that caught my eye was the one about Prince Andrew getting himself involved with that Chinese spy. What a bloody fool. When one is in public life - and I suppose he is just about clinging onto the coat tails of public life with his fingertips - one always has to be on guard when it comes to the contacts one makes. Who knows what state secrets the dimwit may have leaked to the Chinese government. I despair, really I do: some people don't have the brains they are born with.

But enough about the royal family's resident idiot. I met up with my old friend Georgy a few days ago for one of our regular extended lunches at Blunt's. It was good to catch up with him after my long sojourn in hospital. As always, over a few bottles of Burgess, we chatted about what has been going on in the heady world of British politics - he has such a keen interest in our country, bless him - then we got to talking about Russia. It turns out that Georgy is heading back to Russia in a few weeks' time to visit relatives, and he has asked me if I would be interested in accompanying him. I jumped at the chance: I have seen many countries in my time, but Russia is somewhere I have never visited. I have always wanted to see Red Square, Saint Basil's and the Kremlin. Georgy was delighted, and he has promised to make me an appointment at the Russian Embassy so that they can arrange a visa for me. I am extremely excited at the prospect.

Ivanya travelled with me to Gypping in the Marsh last weekend to spend a few days with me in Hemlock Cottage. We had a very enjoyable time together, except for an extremely unfortunate incident at the Cock and Bull. We went there on Saturday evening for a few drinks, and found when we walked in through the door that someone had hung a large Ukrainian flag behind the bar, together with a sign reading 'Russians Out'. When I asked who had put them there, Kylie, the barmaid - who else? - explained that she had put them up to show 'solidarity with the oppressed people of war-torn Ukraine'.

A Ukrainian flag and a sign reading 'Russians Out', behind the bar of a public house

The offending flag and sign at the Cock and Bull

Ivanya was most upset, feeling - perfectly understandably, in my opinion - that Kylie had placed the flag and sign there as a direct provocation to her. I insisted that the landlord take them down. Kylie insisted that they remain up. Tempers flared and voices were raised. In the end, Ivanya reached behind the bar, tore down the flag and ripped the sign in two, then trod them both into the floor with her heels. In response, Kylie threw a pint of Gypping Ales' Monkey Come in Ivanya's face.

I decided that enough was enough. As Ivanya stood there in shock with Monkey Come dripping down from her face, I insisted that the landlord sack Kylie with immediate effect, and he did so. Kylie took off her apron, flung it to the floor and stormed out of the building, shouting "You'll regret this!" as she went. Whether her parting shot was aimed at me or the landlord, I know not.

The landlord apologised profusely, but our evening had been ruined. Ivanya and I left soon afterwards, and it took a good many vodkas back at Hemlock Cottage to calm Ivanya down enough for her to be amenable to the activities I had in mind for the rest of our evening. I cannot understand what Kylie had been thinking: this is not the way we in Gypping in the Marsh welcome outsiders. Well, not unless they happen to be Cornish, that is.

I had some disappointing news the other week. You may remember that a couple of months ago, the proprietor of the local adult video entertainment production company offered me a bit part in their next film, Live Free or Dai Hard - a follow-on to their famous 'Dai Hard' trilogy. Things had been progressing nicely, with the script finalised and filming due to start in the spring, but unfortunately Dai Hard, the actor who was due to star in the film, was arrested during the festive season. Apparently he was acting as Santa Claus at the Christmas fair where he lives. His version of events was that when a little girl who was sat on his knee asked him to empty his sack for her, he misunderstood her request. The girl's parents were not impressed when they entered the grotto to see why the girl was taking so long in there. As Dai had only been released from prison last year on licence, he ended up straight back inside. Old habits Dai Hard.

A man dressed as Santa Claus being bundled into the back of a police van

Dai Hard being arrested

With their main star now back in prison for the forseeable future, Murray's Video Productions have had to put their plans for Live Free or Dai Hard on hold. Mr Murray (no relation) told me about another film that is in the very early planning stages: a pornographic take on a classic tale of Tolkien's, provisionally titled Lord of the Ringpieces. Mr Murray did say that he thought I'd be perfect for the role of Legoverlass the elf, but after considering the offer, I had to turn him down: upon reflection, I think I really ought to put my parliamentary work before cinematic fame.

With somewhat mixed feelings, I can announce that the tenth and final episode of the Gypping in the Marsh Podcast is now available on the Gypping in the Marsh village website. In this episode, Dean and Laura reflect upon everything they have learned about our village, and ask themselves: 'Would we actually want to live in Gypping in the Marsh?'

I have to say, after everything they have broadcast about us in the course of the past few months, I am not sure they would be very welcome if they did want to live here.

I thought the first few episodes of this series were very well-produced, but after the complete hatchet job they did on me in episode 5, my feelings changed somewhat. On top of that, I have heard that Welsby is considering suing the producers over their coverage of his legal career in episode 8. If I were the producers, I would be very concerned.

Despite my misgivings, click here if you want to listen to the podcast.

Gilbert Murray MP

The Gypping in the Marsh Podcast

The Gypping in the Marsh Podcast


9th January 2025 - A new leader needed for Deform UK? Look no further


Well, well, well. What a difference a week makes. I said only last week that no good would come of Fromage brown-nosing Musk, and now look: the Fromage-Musk bromance is well and truly over. I suppose Deform UK can now wave goodbye to the prospect of a massive donation from Musk... not that I think that's a bad thing, as it happens. The less Musk interferes in British politics, the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Nigel Fromage crying while clutching a teddy bear

Nigel reacting to being ditched by Musk

It is worth saying that if the party did ever decide that a change of leader would be beneficial, I would be happy to throw my balaclava in the ring. I really do think that the party would benefit from a leader with a tad more experience, common sense and gravitas. You wouldn't find me being filmed living in a jungle eating koala testicles with a rag-tag bunch of D-list celebrities. You know where I am, people. All you need to do is call.

Anyway, on to matters concerning Gypping in the Marsh. Beaker finally seems to be getting to grips with my constituency correspondence, and having wrestled some of your letters back from his errant pet apes, he tells me that one of the main issues you people are raising is concerns about over-development in and around Gypping in the Marsh. It seems as if Angela Rayner has stoked a lot of fears around the village: many people are worried that the countryside around Gypping will be designated 'grey belt' and built on.

I'd like to reassure you all that I will do everything in my power to prevent this from happening. As it happens, I don't think we have anything to worry about as far as over-development is concerned here in Gypping in the Marsh; the land around here is inherently unsuitable for pretty much anything other than agriculture and wild swimming. We all know what happened to the last housing development that popped up on the edge of the village, a few years ago - on the watch of my useless predecessor, Boothby-Smythe, I'd like to point out. I don't think the residents of Waterside Close expected their front doors to be quite so close to the waterside when they moved in.

Still, looking on the bright side, that housing development has resulted in a significant boost in business for the boating and canoeing supplies shop in the village; and I made a pretty packet when I sold the field to the property developer. Every cloud, and all that.

People canoeing around a flooded housing development

Locals making their way around the Waterside Close housing development

Talking of Gypping in the Marsh, I spent last weekend in the village on my own, as my significant other, Ivanya, was busy with work. I was very surprised when I answered a knock on my door to find the former barmaid at the Cock and Bull, Kylie, standing there in tears. If you remember, she was behind an anti-Russian protest in the Cock and Bull that seriously upset Ivanya, and which resulted in Kylie losing her job.

Angry with the woman as I was, I couldn't leave her wailing on my doorstep, so I invited her in. To cut a long story short, she was full of apologies for the upset she'd caused, and she wanted me to see if I could help get her old job back, behind the bar at the Cock and Bull. I attempted to calm her down with a few restorative double brandies. And then, when that didn't work, I gave her a few more. When she eventually stopped crying, she explained that she had only done what she did that night out of jealousy: a bit of a thing happened between us last year, on the night that Gypping Ales launched their new 'Monkey Come' ale, and she said that she had been extremely upset that Ivanya had subsequently 'stolen me' from her.

Displeased as I was at the hurt she had caused my beloved Ivanya, I am not a heartless man. What could I do, faced with a woman in tears, asking for my help and professing strong feelings for me? I did what any other decent fellow would have done in my situation: I whipped her straight upstairs and let her demonstrate the strength of her feelings towards me. And, unlike the last time we ended up in bed together, I am actually able to remember most of what happened this time.

That done, I had a word with the landlord of the Cock and Bull that night and managed to get Kylie reinstated. All's well that ends well. Kylie has got her job back; I'll have a bit of company from now on if I need to spend time in the village without Ivanya; and what Ivanya doesn't know won't hurt her. I would say that counts as a win-win situation.

Now, to Westminster politics. Ed Miliband has finally got back to me regarding the Fockett & Burnett-Hall PLC proposals for a new opencast coalmine and coal-fired power station in Cambridgeshire that I was backing. I'm sorry to report that it's not looking good. To give Miliband his due, I didn't have to chase him down the corridors of Westminster and corner him in a toilet cubicle to get to speak to him this time. No; this time, he actually sought me out and came to speak to me. The man seems to have grown a pair over the Noelmas break.

Sadly, Miliband made it abundently clear that he is not in favour of the proposals. Now he did come to see me after lunch, which is never a time at which I'm at my best, so I can't claim to remember everything he said to me. But I do recall him using phrases like "a backwards step in our march towards net zero"; "a mere front for a Russian-backed fossil fuel company"; "an attempt by Russia to evade sanctions and take control of our energy supplies"; and "acting as an unknowing shill for Putin". These are the phrases I can remember. I'm sure there was a lot more in the same vein.

Ed Miliband throwing some papers while laughing in the House of Commons

Ed Miliband returning my proposals to me

Miliband has obviously got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Had he caught up with me before lunch, I may have been able to make a somewhat more spirited and cogent argument in favour of these proposals. As you know, I'm backing these proposals as an alternative to plastering the Lincolnshire fens with solar panels and electricity pylons. Having my constituents' best interests at heart as ever (and having a significant interest in Focket & Burnett Hall), I will explore alternative channels and see what I can do to move these proposals forward. I will keep you posted.

I am happy to report that I accompanied my old friend Georgy to the Russian Embassy last week, and they have arranged a visa for me to visit Russia in a few weeks' time. Georgy, bless him, has offered to arrange the flights for me, to ensure that we can travel there and back together. I'm very much looking forward to meeting his family, to doing a spot of sight-seeing, and to doing my little bit to promote Anglo-Russian relations.

Before I sign off, it's worth noting that as a personal protest against Musk attempting to interfere in British politics, I have now stopped posting on Twitter/X/whatever Musk decides to call it this week. I can't say that I'll miss it: it seems to be increasingly dominated by crazy right-wing extremists. Now obviously, as a former member of the Conservative and Unionist party, and as a current member of Deform UK, I'd like to make it clear that I've nothing against crazy right-wing extremists; but I do like to expose myself to a range of different political viewpoints, and I'm no longer able to do that using X.

You can now catch up with me and the latest goings-on in Gypping in the Marsh using Bluesky. Just search for 'Gilbert Murray MP' in Bluesky and you will find me.

Gilbert Murray MP

The sun rising over a cold, frosty fenland landscape, with a wrecked car in the foreground

Sunrise over a cold and frosty Gypping Marsh this week


16th January 2025 - The whims of a multi-billionnaire have serious repercussions in Gypping in the Marsh


It's been an unnecessarily turbulent week here in Gypping in the Marsh, and it's all thanks to that arrogant bounder Musk. I've said before that I don't think his meddling in British politics is a good thing, and the regrettable goings-on in Gypping in the Marsh last week prove my point.

Last Saturday started off well enough, with the villagers going about their daily business as usual. Ivanya was spending the weekend with me in Gypping in the Marsh. Having kick-started the day with a swift mid-afternoon hair of the dog and a few strong coffees, we were enjoying an early evening stroll through the village when we noticed a large number of cars arriving and parking up. We don't get a lot of visitors here in Gypping in the Marsh, so having that many cars arrive all at once made me take notice.

As the cars' occupants started to gather together on the village green, it was clear to me that something was up. With Ivanya's safety in mind, I ensured that we held back, and we watched from a distance as events unfolded.

In no time at all, the new arrivals had transformed themselves from a group of people into a mob. Placards and signs appeared as if from nowhere and the mass of people started to march down Scrote Street, chanting slogans like 'Down with the grooming gangs', 'Musk says careful now' and 'Down with that sort of thing'. As the mob marched past us, I noted that I didn't recognise a single one of the people: they were all definitely from outside the village.

A mob of angry protesters holding home-made placards, in a village street

The mob descends upon Gypping in the Marsh

After they had passed us, we followed at a safe distance to find out where they were headed. It didn't take long to find out, as they stopped outside the local dog-grooming salon, Mo's Grooming Services, at the junction of Scrote Street and Flange Lane. Ivanya and I watched in horror as their chanting grew louder and the mood quickly turned ugly.

We watched helplessly as the shouting protestors started attacking the shop, pulling down the shop sign and smashing the windows. I tried to intervene and stop the destruction, but I was merely pushed to the side by the mob of people. They were obviously not interested in talking or listening; they were hell-bent on violence. Within a matter of minutes, Mo's Grooming Services was completely wrecked. Thankfully, the shop was closed at the time. Noel only knows what would have happened to poor Mohammed, the owner of the place, if it had been open.

A group of angry men standing outside a shop called Mo's Grooming Services

The mood turns ugly outside Mo's Grooming Services

As the mob started to disperse, I asked one of the protestors what on earth they had been doing. The man said that they were on a mission to save the young people of the country against the grooming gangs that Elon Musk had been posting about. When I tried to explain what a terrible mistake they had made, he just laughed, pushed me aside and went on his way.

I had called the police, and so had a number of other locals. Unfortunately, by the time the police arrived, the mob had moved on. A number of us had taken photographs of the mob, and of as many of their cars as possible. Hopefully this will help the police to find the perpetrators.

I have to say, this kind of thing makes me extremely angry. It astounds me how the ignorant whims of a multi-billionnaire on the other side of the world can have serious repercussions in our little village. Poor Mo - a lovely man - has had his business wrecked for nothing. And where are the dog owners of Gypping in the Marsh going to go to get their dogs groomed now?

Still on the subject of Musk, his recent unceremonious dumping of the current Deform UK party leader seems to have lit a fire up Fromage's backside: I received an email from party HQ this week, informing me of a new initiative that Fromage is taking in an attempt to boost his popularity with the younger generation - the much younger generation. I can scarcely believe it, but apparently Deform UK is launching a Nigel Fromage action figure, tying in with the Barbie universe.

A Nigel Fromage action figure in a pink box, next to a Barbie doll

'Nitro Nige', with his best friend Barbie

'Nitro Nige', as the doll is to be called, apparently comes dressed in a natty pink jacket, with detatchable flat cap, pint of beer and cigarette accessories. The doll is fully poseable and is therefore able to take any position... provided it's a reactionary one. Apparently there'a a companion toy which is still in development and due for release at some point in the next few months: a bright pink bandwagon for Nitro Nige to jump on.

I really don't know what to say about this at all. I know the man wants to shake up the dusty world of politics and to appeal to people who usually find politics a bit of a turn-off, but is a gimmick like this that's only going to appeal to pre-teenage girls really going to help? I can only suppose he's acting on the old adage to 'catch them young'. Who was it who said that? Was it Jimmy Savile? Anyway, I'm not convinced. I certainly shall not be buying one of these dolls for my nieces this year... although when I showed a picture of the doll to Ivanya, she said she thought it was quite charming. Oh well. It takes all sorts.

I am getting more and more excited at the prospect of my trip to Moscow in a couple of weeks' time. Georgy has promised to show me the sights. I look forward to sharing my holiday snaps with you when I get back.

I shall finish with a little teaser about next week's blogpost. I am hoping to be able to share details of an exciting new archaeological find here in Gypping in the Marsh - one that will help to put our little village firmly on the tourist map. I have only just heard about the find and will be going to see it myself in the next few days. I will tell all next week.

Gilbert Murray MP

The sun setting over a flooded fenland landscape, with a sign reading Gypping in the Marsh sticking up through the floodwaters

The ice having melted, the sun sets over a flooded Gypping Marsh this week


23rd January 2025 - Ivanya and Georgy are thrown out of the Houses of Parliament, I join a new lobbying group, and an exciting new archaeological discovery


You may have read in the press last week about a couple of Russian diplomats having been thrown out of the Houses of Parliament when they wandered off during a tour, and that the Parliamentary authorities have since written to all MPs and peers, requesting that they refrain from inviting Russians to Parliament.

Quite honestly, I do not know what all the fuss was about. Ivanya and Georgy had both mentioned to me - quite separately - that they would love to have a look around the seat of our government, and I saw nothing wrong in procuring them tickets for a tour. Quite apart from anything else, I thought it would give the two of them a chance to get to know one another: despite both of them working at the Russian Embassy, they are in two completely separate departments and - up until last week's tour of Parliament - did not know each other.

If you ask me, it was a lot of fuss about nothing. It wasn't the fault of Ivanya and Georgy that they accidentally got split off from the tour group and got lost in the maze of corridors. It wasn't their fault that they accidentally managed to wander into a restricted area while trying to find the rest of the tour group. And it wasn't their fault that parliamentary officials took an unnecessarily dim view of them taking photographs and voice recordings in the restricted area.

A woman in a white fur coat and hat being escorted by two policemen

Ivanya being escorted away from the Houses of Parliament

If you ask me, the whole thing was a massive over-reaction and a clear case of anti-Russian prejudice. Poor Ivanya and Georgy were most upset. I shall be writing to the parliamentary authorities to express my displeasure over the way in which my friends were treated that day, and to request the immediate return of their mobile phones and recording equipment.

A burly man with a full beard being escorted by two policemen

Georgy being escorted away from the Houses of Parliament

Still on London matters, you may also have read that our party leader was a guest of honour and spoke at the recent initial meeting of a new lobbying group, 'Heartland UK'. I was very happy to be there at Brooks's for the launch, along with a number of other highly-respected luminaries. Oh, and Liz Truss was there too.

If you haven't heard of the group before, it's the new UK arm of a US lobbying group which is devoted to promoting conservative, libertarian policies such as scrapping 'Net Zero' targets, constructing new coal mines and promoting smoking. All good, sensible stuff, I am sure you would agree. The group took its name, apparently, from the title of a 1980's hit by a popular beat combo with the ridiculous name of 'The The', the lyrics of which were apparently a panegyric to the delights of life in Margaret Thatcher's Britain. Aah, happy days...

Looking around the group, I think its varied and diverse membership reflects the make-up of modern day Britain pretty well: there were chaps from Eton, chaps from Harrow, chaps from Charterhouse, chaps from Rugby, chaps from Winchester... There were even a couple of chaps from Repton, showing that all classes are represented in the membership. Well, one has to have somebody to pour the drinks when we meet up.

A group of mature white men in suits laughing while drinking champagne in a London club

Some of the hugely diverse membership of Heartland UK

The group is being headed by an ex-leader of UKIP called Lois Perry, who apparently played a key role in transforming UKIP from being a rancid group of swivel-eyed wingnuts with policies that even Unity Mitford would have considered rather strong, to a libertarian political party, knocking on the door of respectability, with a considered and coherent - if somewhat hardline - raft of policies. I think I've got that the right way round... anyway, I am sure that she will be able to do just as much good while she is in charge of Heartland UK as she did when she was in charge of UKIP.

You will be aware that I have been actively promoting the construction of a new coal mine in Cambridgeshire, and that I have faced firm opposition from Ed Miliband and the rest of the climate zealots in the current government. I am hoping that aligning myself with Heartland UK will help me to move my plans forward. And anything that gives a boost to the poor, beleagured tobacco companies is alright in my book: I've got significant interests in that field, and my tobacco shares have been taking a beating of late.

As promised, I have some exciting news about a new archaeological discovery that has been made, right here in Gypping in the Marsh. I have quite an interest in local history, so I am very pleased to be able to share this news with you.

Local legends have told of a holy well existing somewhere around Gypping in the Marsh, dedicated to Saint Bodkin - the saint to whom our parish church is dedicated. The location of this well has been a mystery for centuries: apparently it was lost at some point following the Reformation.

I am delighted to be able to announce that Saint Bodkin's Holy Well has now been rediscovered in the grounds of Hemlock Hall. Lord Murray was walking his dog, Moseley, in Gypping Woods the other week when the dog ran off after a rabbit. The dog chased the rabbit to a boggy section of the wood, where the rabbit ran to ground. Moseley started digging frantically in an attempt to catch the rabbit, and in doing so, uncovered some large, worked stones. When Lord Murray caught up with his dog and caught sight of the stones, he brushed aside more of the soil and uncovered a stone-lined rectangular well basin, in which a constant stream of fresh, clear water springs forth. As no other well has ever been recorded in the area, the overwhelming likelihood is that Lord Murray's dog has rediscovered the long-lost Saint Bodkin's Well.

Lord Murray has graciously permitted access to the well to interested visitors, via a clearly-signposted permissive footpath which starts to the north of the churchyard.

a medieval stone basin unearthed in a wood

The long-lost Saint Bodkin's Well

A local historian has put together a very interesting page of information about Saint Bodkin and his Holy Well, and made it available on the Gypping in the Marsh village website. I was particularly fascinated to hear that the waters of the well were traditionally reputed to be good for curing eye problems and venereal diseases. I have always seen the importance of taking care of one's health. With this in mind, whenever I pass by the well when out for a stroll, I make a point of stopping and drinking a good healthy draught of the waters - purely for preventative reasons, of course. It truly is delicious. I have also collected a few bottles of the water to take home with me, and I can confirm that it goes particularly well when mixed with a good single malt.

I have been in touch with Digging for Britain's Professor Alice Roberts, to see whether she and the rest of the Digging for Britain team would be interesting in featuring the well in their next series. Up to now, there has been response. I would also have contacted Time Team's Tommy Robinson, but I gather that he is currently busy sewing mailbags at His Majesty's pleasure.

I will be away next week, visiting Russia with my good friend Georgy. As I will not be here, I have asked my PA, Beaker, to write next week's blogpost. I have instructed him to write about some of the issues that you people have raised recently. Hopefully the man will make a decent fist of it.

Gilbert Murray MP


30th January 2025 - An update from Beaker on his infinite monkey theorem experiment, and on issues bothering residents of Gypping in the Marsh


Hello. It is not Mr Murray writing this. It is me, Beaker. I am Mr Murray's Personal Assistant and Mr Murray has asked me to write this blog for him this week because he is not here this week. Mr Murray is in Russia with his Russian friend Georgy who I do not like very much. Georgy comes from Russia and Mr Murray has gone to Russia with him to do some sightseeing and to meet some of Georgy's family. I hope Georgy's family are nicer than Georgy.

Mr Murray asked me to write about some of the things that you have been writing letters and emails to him about and I might get onto some of those things later but first of all I thought I would give you an update on my infinite monkey theorem experiment where I am trying to find out if you have an infinite number of monkeys and an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite amount of time one of the monkeys will type out the complete works of Shakespeare.

I don't have an infinite number of monkeys and I don't have an infinite number of typewriters. Up until last week I only had two monkeys and two typewriters and Mr Murray keeps on telling me that they are apes not monkeys but I don't think that really matters. I have called one of them Mr Chuckle after the Chuckle Brothers who I like very much and I have called one of them Donald Trump because he looks a bit like Donald Trump. I keep both of them in little cages in my kitchen.

So far they have not managed to type anything. Donald Trump sleeps all the time and Mr Chuckle spends all his time playing with himself while looking at a photograph of Mr Murray's nice new girlfriend. He is red raw down there now and I don't think it is very good for him to do that such a lot but each time I have tried to take away the photograph of Mr Murray's nice new girlfriend Mr Chuckle goes crazy and gets very violent and I am scared of him because he is very big and very strong so now I just leave him to it. There is not a lot of typing going on.

Anyway last week I got a call from my friend at Gypping Life Sciences and he told me that they had three more monkeys that they have finished experimenting on and he said that their behaviour was not too bad considering what they have had done to them and he asked me if I would like them. They really are monkeys this time not apes. So I said yes and he brought them round. I keep them in a cage together in the kitchen next to Donald Trump's cage. I didn't have another typewriter so I put an old laptop in the cage for them to type on.

One of them actually did some typing as soon as I put the laptop in the cage. He was banging away at the keys with his little monkey hands and he typed what looked like a bunch of random characters but I think he has actually typed out the name of one of Elon Musk's children and he moves fast and breaks things and his head looks a bit square like a Minecraft person so I have called him Elon Musk.

Randomly typed characters on a sheet of paper, in a filthy kitchen

Some of Elon Musk's typing

One of them has got a shaven head because his brain has been experimented on and he looks a bit like Jeff Bezos so I have called him Jeff Bezos. The third one doesn't look like anyone very much so I have called him Mark Zuckerberg to keep the theme going. Because they have got a laptop not a typewriter I call the three of them my tech bros.

Three monkeys and a laptop computer in a small cage

Beaker's 'tech bros': Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg

My tech bros seem to get on with each other quite well although Elon Musk is definitely the alpha male and he bosses the other two around a bit. The three of them keep staring at Donald Trump who is usually asleep. I don't know why they are so obsessed with Donald Trump. Maybe it is because he is so big. Whenever Donald Trump wakes up they all start chattering at him especially Elon Musk and they will not leave him alone until Donald Trump goes back to sleep again which does not take long because Donald Trump only wakes up for long enough to eat a banana and do a poo and then he falls asleep again. I do not know what they did to Donald Trump at Gypping Life Sciences but I think there is something wrong with his brain. Donald Trump is definitely not right in the head.

Hopefully now I have got five monkeys they will start some proper typing soon and one of them will type out at least a Shakespeare sonnet before too long. And hopefully they will manage to do it before I run out of money to buy bananas. Because they are getting through an awful lot of bananas and it is costing me a lot of money.

So that Mr Murray does not get annoyed with me when he gets back I think I should write about some of the problems that people have been writing to Mr Murray about because that is what he has asked me to do.

One problem that people are complaining about is that for the last couple of months there has been a nasty poo smell in the village and people are complaining that it is getting worse. People have said that the smell is so bad that they have to keep their windows closed all the time and that if they hang their washing out to dry it smells of poo when they bring it in. The people that have written to Mr Murray mostly live in my road and in the road at the back of my road. I think I might know what the problem is. It might have something to do with the monkey poos that my monkeys have been doing and all the banana skins. I have not known what to do with all the monkey poo and banana skins so I have just been dumping it in my back garden and it has been building up a bit. My monkeys eat a lot of bananas and there is a lot of monkey poo. I will talk to Mr Murray about it when he gets back from Russia and see if he has any ideas about how to get rid of it. He gets a bit angry sometimes when I talk about my monkeys so I hope he does not get angry when I ask him about their monkey poo. But hopefully I will be able to get the problem sorted out soon after he gets back.

Heaps of animal excrement and banana skins in a back yard

Beaker's back garden

Another problem that people have been writing to Mr Murray about is that the television reception in the village has got really bad. The people writing in all live near Mr Murray's house and Mr Murray has said the same thing that he cannot watch television any more because there is so much interference. People say that the problem started in October last year and that is what Mr Murray says too. I remember that Mr Murray started complaining about his television reception straight after the electrician that his Russian friend recommended did some electrical work in his house. I think he was called Mr Philby. I am wondering if Mr Philby messed something up when he did the electrical work in Mr Murray's house. Maybe he was not as good an electrician as Mr Murray's Russian friend said he was. I will ask Mr Murray about that too when he gets back from Russia. I would hate to have bad television reception because then I could not watch Chucklevision which is my favourite television show. I love the Chuckle Brothers. They are the best.

Mr Murray has also had a very serious sounding letter from somebody at the Houses of Parliament who has asked him to come to a meeting to "discuss the company you have been keeping and implications for national security". They don't give any details but I think it might be something to do with his Russian friends who got thrown out of parliament the other week. I like Mr Murray's Russian girlfriend but I don't like his Russian friend Georgy because I don't think he is as nice as he pretends to be.

People have written about some other problems too but I don't have time to write about those because Donald Trump has just woken up and done a big poo and Mr Chuckle has reached into his cage and thrown it at me and I need to clean myself up and get the poo out from between the keys of my computer. I hope you have enjoyed reading my blog because I have enjoyed writing it and I hope Mr Murray lets me write his blog again some time in the future.

Beaker (Gilbert Murray MP's PA)


Gilbert's next blogpost will be published on 6th February. Don't miss it!


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The Gilbert Murray Chronicles

Read more about the goings-on in Gypping in the Marsh in 'The Retired Wing Commander, in which Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) attempts to help an Iraqi get his fortune out of the country, and in which he discovers that his ludicrous campaign for English independence attracts very little support in the Ivory Coast.


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