First of all, I would like to wish a Happy New Year to all of my constituents, and to anyone out there in the wider world who uses my blog to keep up to date with the twists and turns of fenland politics.

I must apologise for not having been available over the past few weeks. As I believe my PA has explained, I was indisposed and hospitalised following a very unfortunate housework accident. I must thank all of you who sent me cards and flowers: it was extremely thoughtful of you, and I'm sure that your best wishes aided my recovery... although it's probably worth noting that if anything like this were to ever happen again (and I fervently hope that it does not), gifts of whisky or brandy would probably assist my recovery more than gifts of cheap flowers from the local petrol station.

As well as visits from my PA, who brought along the cards and flowers that everyone had sent, my spirits were also raised during my hospital stay by frequent visits by my significant other, Ivanya. As soon as she heard that I had been hospitalised, she rushed to the hospital to be by my side, and her tender ministrations were a huge comfort to me... especially on those occasions when we closed the curtains around my bed during her visits. Thank Noel for private healthcare and private wards.

Now that I am fully recovered, I have instructed Welsby to initiate legal procedings against my erstwhile housemaid, whose extreme carelessness with a feather duster caused my hospitalisation. Welsby tells me that this is ongoing as I write and that she is being charged with Grievous Bodily Harm with Intent.

A French maid holding a feather duster being bundled into the back of a police van

Madame Oohlala feeling the long arm of the law

With that little bit of unpleasantness out of the way, I have returned to dealing with my parliamentary and constituency work, and I very much look forward to representing my constituents with the same degree of diligence that I showed last year.

A couple of news articles caught my attention while I was lying in my hospital bed. Firstly, I see that the Deform UK party leader, Fromage, has been brown-nosing not only Donald Trump, but Elon Musk, over in the US. No doubt he has been sniffing out donations for party funds. I am not sure that is entirely a good thing: do we really want the richest man in the world having a hold over us and dictating our party policies? Some of our policies are mad enough as things stand at the moment. Noel only knows what kind of policies we'd end up with if Musk stuck his gold-plated oar in. I shall be advising Fromage to tread very carefully in this matter. Not that he will listen to a word I say.

The other news story that caught my eye was the one about Prince Andrew getting himself involved with that Chinese spy. What a bloody fool. When one is in public life - and I suppose he is just about clinging onto the coat tails of public life with his fingertips - one always has to be on guard when it comes to the contacts one makes. Who knows what state secrets the dimwit may have leaked to the Chinese government. I despair, really I do: some people don't have the brains they are born with.

But enough about the royal family's resident idiot. I met up with my old friend Georgy a few days ago for one of our regular extended lunches at Blunt's. It was good to catch up with him after my long sojourn in hospital. As always, over a few bottles of Burgess, we chatted about what has been going on in the heady world of British politics - he has such a keen interest in our country, bless him - then we got to talking about Russia. It turns out that Georgy is heading back to Russia in a few weeks' time to visit relatives, and he has asked me if I would be interested in accompanying him. I jumped at the chance: I have seen many countries in my time, but Russia is somewhere I have never visited. I have always wanted to see Red Square, Saint Basil's and the Kremlin. Georgy was delighted, and he has promised to make me an appointment at the Russian Embassy so that they can arrange a visa for me. I am extremely excited at the prospect.

Ivanya travelled with me to Gypping in the Marsh last weekend to spend a few days with me in Hemlock Cottage. We had a very enjoyable time together, except for an extremely unfortunate incident at the Cock and Bull. We went there on Saturday evening for a few drinks, and found when we walked in through the door that someone had hung a large Ukrainian flag behind the bar, together with a sign reading 'Russians Out'. When I asked who had put them there, Kylie, the barmaid - who else? - explained that she had put them up to show 'solidarity with the oppressed people of war-torn Ukraine'.

A Ukrainian flag and a sign reading 'Russians Out', behind the bar of a public house

The offending flag and sign at the Cock and Bull

Ivanya was most upset, feeling - perfectly understandably, in my opinion - that Kylie had placed the flag and sign there as a direct provocation to her. I insisted that the landlord take them down. Kylie insisted that they remain up. Tempers flared and voices were raised. In the end, Ivanya reached behind the bar, tore down the flag and ripped the sign in two, then trod them both into the floor with her heels. In response, Kylie threw a pint of Gypping Ales' Monkey Come in Ivanya's face.

I decided that enough was enough. As Ivanya stood there in shock with Monkey Come dripping down from her face, I insisted that the landlord sack Kylie with immediate effect, and he did so. Kylie took off her apron, flung it to the floor and stormed out of the building, shouting "You'll regret this!" as she went. Whether her parting shot was aimed at me or the landlord, I know not.

The landlord apologised profusely, but our evening had been ruined. Ivanya and I left soon afterwards, and it took a good many vodkas back at Hemlock Cottage to calm Ivanya down enough for her to be amenable to the activities I had in mind for the rest of our evening. I cannot understand what Kylie had been thinking: this is not the way we in Gypping in the Marsh welcome outsiders. Well, not unless they happen to be Cornish, that is.

I had some disappointing news the other week. You may remember that a couple of months ago, the proprietor of the local adult video entertainment production company offered me a bit part in their next film, Live Free or Dai Hard - a follow-on to their famous 'Dai Hard' trilogy. Things had been progressing nicely, with the script finalised and filming due to start in the spring, but unfortunately Dai Hard, the actor who was due to star in the film, was arrested during the festive season. Apparently he was acting as Santa Claus at the Christmas fair where he lives. His version of events was that when a little girl who was sat on his knee asked him to empty his sack for her, he misunderstood her request. The girl's parents were not impressed when they entered the grotto to see why the girl was taking so long in there. As Dai had only been released from prison last year on licence, he ended up straight back inside. Old habits Dai Hard.

A man dressed as Santa Claus being bundled into the back of a police van

Dai Hard being arrested

With their main star now back in prison for the forseeable future, Murray's Video Productions have had to put their plans for Live Free or Dai Hard on hold. Mr Murray (no relation) told me about another film that is in the very early planning stages: a pornographic take on a classic tale of Tolkien's, provisionally titled Lord of the Ringpieces. Mr Murray did say that he thought I'd be perfect for the role of Legoverlass the elf, but after considering the offer, I had to turn him down: upon reflection, I think I really ought to put my parliamentary work before cinematic fame.

With somewhat mixed feelings, I can announce that the tenth and final episode of the Gypping in the Marsh Podcast is now available on the Gypping in the Marsh village website. In this episode, Dean and Laura reflect upon everything they have learned about our village, and ask themselves: 'Would we actually want to live in Gypping in the Marsh?'

I have to say, after everything they have broadcast about us in the course of the past few months, I am not sure they would be very welcome if they did want to live here.

I thought the first few episodes of this series were very well-produced, but after the complete hatchet job they did on me in episode 5, my feelings changed somewhat. On top of that, I have heard that Welsby is considering suing the producers over their coverage of his legal career in episode 8. If I were the producers, I would be very concerned.

Despite my misgivings, click here if you want to listen to the podcast.

Gilbert Murray MP

The Gypping in the Marsh Podcast

9th January 2025 - A new leader needed for Deform UK? Look no further

Well, well, well. What a difference a week makes. I said only last week that no good would come of Fromage brown-nosing Musk, and now look: the Fromage-Musk bromance is well and truly over. I suppose Deform UK can now wave goodbye to the prospect of a massive donation from Musk... not that I think that's a bad thing, as it happens. The less Musk interferes in British politics, the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Nigel Fromage crying while clutching a teddy bear

Nigel reacting to being ditched by Musk

It is worth saying that if the party did ever decide that a change of leader would be beneficial, I would be happy to throw my balaclava in the ring. I really do think that the party would benefit from a leader with a tad more experience, common sense and gravitas. You wouldn't find me being filmed living in a jungle eating koala testicles with a rag-tag bunch of D-list celebrities. You know where I am, people. All you need to do is call.

Anyway, on to matters concerning Gypping in the Marsh. Beaker finally seems to be getting to grips with my constituency correspondence, and having wrestled some of your letters back from his errant pet apes, he tells me that one of the main issues you people are raising is concerns about over-development in and around Gypping in the Marsh. It seems as if Angela Rayner has stoked a lot of fears around the village: many people are worried that the countryside around Gypping will be designated 'grey belt' and built on.

I'd like to reassure you all that I will do everything in my power to prevent this from happening. As it happens, I don't think we have anything to worry about as far as over-development is concerned here in Gypping in the Marsh; the land around here is inherently unsuitable for pretty much anything other than agriculture and wild swimming. We all know what happened to the last housing development that popped up on the edge of the village, a few years ago - on the watch of my useless predecessor, Boothby-Smythe, I'd like to point out. I don't think the residents of Waterside Close expected their front doors to be quite so close to the waterside when they moved in.

Still, looking on the bright side, that housing development has resulted in a significant boost in business for the boating and canoeing supplies shop in the village; and I made a pretty packet when I sold the field to the property developer. Every cloud, and all that.

People canoeing around a flooded housing development

Locals making their way around the Waterside Close housing development

Talking of Gypping in the Marsh, I spent last weekend in the village on my own, as my significant other, Ivanya, was busy with work. I was very surprised when I answered a knock on my door to find the former barmaid at the Cock and Bull, Kylie, standing there in tears. If you remember, she was behind an anti-Russian protest in the Cock and Bull that seriously upset Ivanya, and which resulted in Kylie losing her job.

Angry with the woman as I was, I couldn't leave her wailing on my doorstep, so I invited her in. To cut a long story short, she was full of apologies for the upset she'd caused, and she wanted me to see if I could help get her old job back, behind the bar at the Cock and Bull. I attempted to calm her down with a few restorative double brandies. And then, when that didn't work, I gave her a few more. When she eventually stopped crying, she explained that she had only done what she did that night out of jealousy: a bit of a thing happened between us last year, on the night that Gypping Ales launched their new 'Monkey Come' ale, and she said that she had been extremely upset that Ivanya had subsequently 'stolen me' from her.

Displeased as I was at the hurt she had caused my beloved Ivanya, I am not a heartless man. What could I do, faced with a woman in tears, asking for my help and professing strong feelings for me? I did what any other decent fellow would have done in my situation: I whipped her straight upstairs and let her demonstrate the strength of her feelings towards me. And, unlike the last time we ended up in bed together, I am actually able to remember most of what happened this time.

That done, I had a word with the landlord of the Cock and Bull that night and managed to get Kylie reinstated. All's well that ends well. Kylie has got her job back; I'll have a bit of company from now on if I need to spend time in the village without Ivanya; and what Ivanya doesn't know won't hurt her. I would say that counts as a win-win situation.

Now, to Westminster politics. Ed Miliband has finally got back to me regarding the Fockett & Burnett-Hall PLC proposals for a new opencast coalmine and coal-fired power station in Cambridgeshire that I was backing. I'm sorry to report that it's not looking good. To give Miliband his due, I didn't have to chase him down the corridors of Westminster and corner him in a toilet cubicle to get to speak to him this time. No; this time, he actually sought me out and came to speak to me. The man seems to have grown a pair over the Noelmas break.

Sadly, Miliband made it abundently clear that he is not in favour of the proposals. Now he did come to see me after lunch, which is never a time at which I'm at my best, so I can't claim to remember everything he said to me. But I do recall him using phrases like "a backwards step in our march towards net zero"; "a mere front for a Russian-backed fossil fuel company"; "an attempt by Russia to evade sanctions and take control of our energy supplies"; and "acting as an unknowing shill for Putin". These are the phrases I can remember. I'm sure there was a lot more in the same vein.

Ed Miliband throwing some papers while laughing in the House of Commons

Ed Miliband returning my proposals to me

Miliband has obviously got hold of the wrong end of the stick. Had he caught up with me before lunch, I may have been able to make a somewhat more spirited and cogent argument in favour of these proposals. As you know, I'm backing these proposals as an alternative to plastering the Lincolnshire fens with solar panels and electricity pylons. Having my constituents' best interests at heart as ever (and having a significant interest in Focket & Burnett Hall), I will explore alternative channels and see what I can do to move these proposals forward. I will keep you posted.

I am happy to report that I accompanied my old friend Georgy to the Russian Embassy last week, and they have arranged a visa for me to visit Russia in a few weeks' time. Georgy, bless him, has offered to arrange the flights for me, to ensure that we can travel there and back together. I'm very much looking forward to meeting his family, to doing a spot of sight-seeing, and to doing my little bit to promote Anglo-Russian relations.

Before I sign off, it's worth noting that as a personal protest against Musk attempting to interfere in British politics, I have now stopped posting on Twitter/X/whatever Musk decides to call it this week. I can't say that I'll miss it: it seems to be increasingly dominated by crazy right-wing extremists. Now obviously, as a former member of the Conservative and Unionist party, and as a current member of Deform UK, I'd like to make it clear that I've nothing against crazy right-wing extremists; but I do like to expose myself to a range of different political viewpoints, and I'm no longer able to do that using X.

You can now catch up with me and the latest goings-on in Gypping in the Marsh using Bluesky. Just search for 'Gilbert Murray MP' in Bluesky and you will find me.

Gilbert Murray MP

The sun rising over a cold, frosty fenland landscape, with a wrecked car in the foreground

Sunrise over a cold and frosty Gypping Marsh this week

16th January 2025 - The whims of a multi-billionnaire have serious repercussions in Gypping in the Marsh

It's been an unnecessarily turbulent week here in Gypping in the Marsh, and it's all thanks to that arrogant bounder Musk. I've said before that I don't think his meddling in British politics is a good thing, and the regrettable goings-on in Gypping in the Marsh last week prove my point.

Last Saturday started off well enough, with the villagers going about their daily business as usual. Ivanya was spending the weekend with me in Gypping in the Marsh. Having kick-started the day with a swift mid-afternoon hair of the dog and a few strong coffees, we were enjoying an early evening stroll through the village when we noticed a large number of cars arriving and parking up. We don't get a lot of visitors here in Gypping in the Marsh, so having that many cars arrive all at once made me take notice.

As the cars' occupants started to gather together on the village green, it was clear to me that something was up. With Ivanya's safety in mind, I ensured that we held back, and we watched from a distance as events unfolded.

In no time at all, the new arrivals had transformed themselves from a group of people into a mob. Placards and signs appeared as if from nowhere and the mass of people started to march down Scrote Street, chanting slogans like 'Down with the grooming gangs', 'Musk says careful now' and 'Down with that sort of thing'. As the mob marched past us, I noted that I didn't recognise a single one of the people: they were all definitely from outside the village.

A mob of angry protesters holding home-made placards, in a village street

The mob descends upon Gypping in the Marsh

After they had passed us, we followed at a safe distance to find out where they were headed. It didn't take long to find out, as they stopped outside the local dog-grooming salon, Mo's Grooming Services, at the junction of Scrote Street and Flange Lane. Ivanya and I watched in horror as their chanting grew louder and the mood quickly turned ugly.

We watched helplessly as the shouting protestors started attacking the shop, pulling down the shop sign and smashing the windows. I tried to intervene and stop the destruction, but I was merely pushed to the side by the mob of people. They were obviously not interested in talking or listening; they were hell-bent on violence. Within a matter of minutes, Mo's Grooming Services was completely wrecked. Thankfully, the shop was closed at the time. Noel only knows what would have happened to poor Mohammed, the owner of the place, if it had been open.

A group of angry men standing outside a shop called Mo's Grooming Services

The mood turns ugly outside Mo's Grooming Services

As the mob started to disperse, I asked one of the protestors what on earth they had been doing. The man said that they were on a mission to save the young people of the country against the grooming gangs that Elon Musk had been posting about. When I tried to explain what a terrible mistake they had made, he just laughed, pushed me aside and went on his way.

I had called the police, and so had a number of other locals. Unfortunately, by the time the police arrived, the mob had moved on. A number of us had taken photographs of the mob, and of as many of their cars as possible. Hopefully this will help the police to find the perpetrators.

I have to say, this kind of thing makes me extremely angry. It astounds me how the ignorant whims of a multi-billionnaire on the other side of the world can have serious repercussions in our little village. Poor Mo - a lovely man - has had his business wrecked for nothing. And where are the dog owners of Gypping in the Marsh going to go to get their dogs groomed now?

Still on the subject of Musk, his recent unceremonious dumping of the current Deform UK party leader seems to have lit a fire up Fromage's backside: I received an email from party HQ this week, informing me of a new initiative that Fromage is taking in an attempt to boost his popularity with the younger generation - the much younger generation. I can scarcely believe it, but apparently Deform UK is launching a Nigel Fromage action figure, tying in with the Barbie universe.

A Nigel Fromage action figure in a pink box, next to a Barbie doll

'Nitro Nige', with his best friend Barbie

'Nitro Nige', as the doll is to be called, apparently comes dressed in a natty pink jacket, with detatchable flat cap, pint of beer and cigarette accessories. The doll is fully poseable and is therefore able to take any position... provided it's a reactionary one. Apparently there'a a companion toy which is still in development and due for release at some point in the next few months: a bright pink bandwagon for Nitro Nige to jump on.

I really don't know what to say about this at all. I know the man wants to shake up the dusty world of politics and to appeal to people who usually find politics a bit of a turn-off, but is a gimmick like this that's only going to appeal to pre-teenage girls really going to help? I can only suppose he's acting on the old adage to 'catch them young'. Who was it who said that? Was it Jimmy Savile? Anyway, I'm not convinced. I certainly shall not be buying one of these dolls for my nieces this year... although when I showed a picture of the doll to Ivanya, she said she thought it was quite charming. Oh well. It takes all sorts.

I am getting more and more excited at the prospect of my trip to Moscow in a couple of weeks' time. Georgy has promised to show me the sights. I look forward to sharing my holiday snaps with you when I get back.

I shall finish with a little teaser about next week's blogpost. I am hoping to be able to share details of an exciting new archaeological find here in Gypping in the Marsh - one that will help to put our little village firmly on the tourist map. I have only just heard about the find and will be going to see it myself in the next few days. I will tell all next week.

Gilbert Murray MP

The sun setting over a flooded fenland landscape, with a sign reading Gypping in the Marsh sticking up through the floodwaters

The ice having melted, the sun sets over a flooded Gypping Marsh this week

Gilbert's next blogpost will be published on 23rd January. Don't miss it!

Previous month

Read more about the goings-on in Gypping in the Marsh in 'The Retired Wing Commander, in which Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) attempts to help an Iraqi get his fortune out of the country, and in which he discovers that his ludicrous campaign for English independence attracts very little support in the Ivory Coast.