In which Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.) responds to the Manager of a Taiwanese bank who is attempting to liberate the funds of an extremely rich (and unfortunately dead) customer. Will Wing Commander Murray be able to drum up any support for his ludicrous England for the English campaign in Taiwan? Or should that be Thailand? He does get rather confused about that sort of thing, bless him.

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray - Wing Commander, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.).
Chan Fung - allegedly the Manager of a Taiwanese bank.
Pamela Gore - allegedly an employee in the Customer Services department of a Dutch bank.
Peter Van Baker - allegedly the Dutch bank's Director of Payment.

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent From Taiwan

Sent: Wed, 07 Apr 2004 05:29:21 -0700

Mr Chan Fung,
Manager of Land Bank,
Kincheng Branch,
6, Min Shen Road, Kicheng Chen,
Kinmen Hsien, Fukien, Taiwan,
Republic of China

I am Mr Chan Fung, Bank Manager of Land Bank, Kincheng branch, Fukien, Taiwan. I have an urgent and very confidential business proposition for you.

On June 6, 1999, a British oil consultant/contractor with the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation, Mr Smith Lawrence, made a numbered time (fixed) deposit for twelve calendar months, valued at $30,000,000.00 (thirty million dollars) in my branch. Upon maturity, I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Chinese Solid Minerals Corporation, that Mr Smith Lawrence died from an automobile accident. On further investigation, I found out that he died without making a will, and all attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless.

I therefore made further investigations and discovered that Mr Smith Lawrence did not declare any kin or relations in all his official documents, including his bank deposit paperwork in my bank. This sum of $30,000,000.00 is still sitting in my bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. No one will ever come forward to claim it. According to the laws of the Republic of China, at the expiration of 5 (five) years, the money will revert to the ownership of the Chinese government if nobody applies to claim the fund.

Consequently, my proposal is that I would like you as a foreigner to stand in as the next of kin to Mr Smith Lawrence so that the fruits of this old man's labour will not get into the hands of some corrupt government officials. This is simple, I would like you to provide immediately your full name and address so that the attorney will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits that will put you in place as the next of kin. We shall employ the services of an attorney for drafting and notarisation of the will and to obtain the necessary documents and letter of probate/administration in your favour for the transfer. A bank account in any part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary/next of kin. The money will be paid into your account for us to share in the ratio of 90% for me and 10% for you.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. If you are interested, please reply immediately via this email address. Upon your response, I shall then provide you with more details and relevant documents that will help you understand the transaction. Please send me your confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy communication.

Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country. Awaiting your urgent reply.

Thanks and regards,

Mr Chan Fung

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Re: Urgent From Taiwan

Sent: Fri, 16 Apr 2004 09:43:26

Fung,

I do not know how you obtained my personal email address, or what made you write to me on this matter. However, you may just have contacted the right man. I've never been one to turn down the chance to make a bit of money, and this caper sounds right up my street. I could be in a position to help you.

Apologies for the delay in getting back to you. Been away with the wife in Eastbourne and only just got around to checking my emails. Dreadful place if you ask me, but it keeps her quiet and that's the main thing.

Anyway, I trust I've not missed the boat. If you require my assistance, email me back with further details.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Details from Chan

Sent: Sun, 18 Apr 2004 15:10:42 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

I wish to thank you so much for your response to my proposal which I feel you must have read through and understood. I want you to know that this transaction is 100% risk free. However, I shall call you to discuss this mutual benefitting transaction with you.

I shall need your contact address, confidential telephone number and account details which I will forward to my lawyer for the processing of the documentation, but you see this transaction involves a lot of money as you can understand. As such I will want you to have every picture regarding the project as it will only take a very short period of time to complete. I request your contact address which I shall hand over to the attorney I have appointed over here to commence with the paperwork that will present you as the beneficiary to these funds.

I will like to have a little profile of you. I mean the kind of business you do, if you are married and other things you feel I should know to make me more comfortable in this transaction with you. I shall provide you with the full details of this transaction once I have your positive response and the telephone number you can reach me on. Please understand that I am only being careful as I do not want to lose these funds and I also do not want to be betrayed.

I have perfected all modalities about this transaction as long as you keep to the confidentiality and follow the instructions I shall hand over to you from time to time. If you have any question at this time, please ask now as it is good for us to have a better understanding of each other at the beginning of this transaction.

All I request from you is your contact address for the documentation and your account details where you want these funds to be transferred to. Even a zero balance account will be okay. But I need a little profile like I said before we commence this project.

Thank you so much as I look forward to a successful transaction with you.

Sincerely,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: The details you requested

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 12:25:37

Fung,

Thank you for your email.

Before we go any further, I think there's one thing we need to clear up: kindly address me properly, as "Wing Commander Murray". Only my closest friends call me "Gilbert", and I don't have many of those. Of course, Mrs Murray calls me "Gilbert" too, but that's neither here nor there.

Now then, you asked for some details about my good self. Fair enough. I can see where you're coming from. Better to be safe than sorry. No point getting involved with a fella then finding out they're as reliable as a Welshman. Better to get all this out in the open at the start, then we both know where we stand.

Well, here's my life in brief. Born 1937. Educated at Eton. Left school with no formal qualifications, but with a good appreciation of the values of decency, discipline, honesty and teamwork.

After school, followed in the footsteps of my father and joined the Royal Air Force. Flew Vulcans and did my bit to try and keep the remnants of the Empire together. Bit of a lost cause as it turned out: the only Empire we've got now seems to be a useless rock on the edge of Spain, a penguin colony in the South Atlantic, and the Isle of Wight. Flew around the world and managed to gain an appreciation of a wide range of cultures, before bombing the living daylights out of them. Moved up the ranks quickly and decorated with more medals than you could shake a stick at.

Retired two years ago. Now living in quiet retirement with the wife in remote Lincolnshire village. Financially sound. Excellent health and sound mind. Keep myself busy managing my many investments - I've been quite lucky on the stock market - and acting as Secretary for the England for the English campaign. There's my background in a nutshell.

Now then, you wanted my contact details. Not a problem. Here they are:

Full Name: Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

Address: Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK

Telephone: 01927 58367

You also asked for my bank account details. Well, I'm sure you'll understand if I hold back that information until I know a little more about your good self. I've given you my background, now let's hear a bit about you. Once I know a bit more about you, we'll be ready to move ahead with the speed of a Vulcan bomber.

Looking forward to a prompt response. Let's start as we mean to go on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: TREAT AS VERY URGENT

Sent: Mon, 19 Apr 2004 16:08:20 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Murray,

I am very happy that I am dealing with a responsible and matured man which makes very comfortable and happy. Look partner, I will let you know that all modalities to the success of this transaction have been put in place, as I am going to forward your details to a reputable lawyer here in Taiwan to handle all the documentation and legal procedures. I am going to pay him a huge amount of money to follow up the legal procedures.

Partner, I am a married man with three children and they are all doing real fine, apart from my wife who is a diabetic patient and I intend taking her to America soon for an operation. As the fund is a very huge amount of money I cannot afford it for now, but I am hoping when we share this fund. I will send to you a copy of my international passport as soon as possible for identity and trust as I will like you to know who you are dealing with.

Please, your account details are needed urgently. Even a zero account will be OK for this transaction as my lawyer wants to start with the processing of the documentation and the follow up of the legal procedures. I will like you to follow instructions given to you from time to time to make sure we attain success.

Treat this as very urgent as I want to round up this transaction as soon as possible.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Hold fire on the lawyer: I may be able to help

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 12:10:26

Fung,

Thank you for your email and for providing me with some more information about yourself. Sorry to hear about your wife. Apologies and all that. Three children, eh? Hope they're all fit and healthy. Don't spare the rod, that's my advice.

I fully understand the need for a bank account. As it happens, I have to go into town later today to take the wife shopping, so I will pop into the bank while Mrs Murray is trying on shoes and set up a new account specifically for the purposes of this transaction. I think that's best, don't you? I'll send you details of the bank account tomorrow.

Now then, this lawyer chappie you're on about. You say you're going to pay him "a huge amount of money". Well I think I can help you out here and save us both a bit of cash. I have used the same lawyer for over ten years - Welsby of the firm Elton & Welsby - and trust the man to the hilt. He is thoroughly decent and honest, and also charges a very fair fee. The man's got a mind as sharp as a rapier. He was invaluable last year following an unfortunate misunderstanding during bob-a-job week, when a boy scout I'd paid to buff up my brogues got his woggle caught in my belt buckle. The poor lad was down on his knees and was completely stuck. I had to take my trousers off to free him before he choked, at which point the boy's mother walked in. She got completely the wrong idea. Anyway, Welsby managed to ensure that all charges were dropped.

What do you reckon? Just give me the nod and I shall pop my head round Welsby's door and get him to shoot into action on our behalf.

I have to say, I have some very fond memories of your country. I was stationed there for some time as a young bomber pilot. Aah, Bangkok... now there's an aptly-named place. The bars, the late-night gambling dens, the women... mind you, bit of a confusing place too, if I remember rightly. Women that looked like men, boys that looked like girls... dashed difficult to tell the difference a lot of the time. Mind you, after a few pints of the local brew, none of us minded much either way. You can usually fit a square peg into a round hole if you bang away at it hard enough, if you get my meaning. Not the sort of thing you tell the wife though, of course. Tell me, does that sort of thing still go on?

Anyway, back to business. Let me know if I should get onto Welsby, and I'll send you details of my bank account as soon as I have them.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THANK YOU, PLEASE TRY TO TREAT AS VERY URGENT

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 09:21:36 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

I hope you and your family are all in good health. Look, this transaction is a very confidential transaction. I don't want you to disclose it to anybody. Look partner, I told you that all modalities have been put in place for the success of this transaction. Look, I don't want you to disclose this transaction to anybody till when the fund leaves Taiwan as I don't want anybody to look over their shoulder as that fund is a very huge amount of money I don't want to joke with. Please, you don't have to worry about that as my lawyer will handle all the legal procedures as he is a very reputable lawyer here in Taiwan. Please, I don't want anybody to know of this transaction as I expect you to keep utmost confidentiality till when I make the transfer out of Taiwan.

Please try to send your account details urgently as my lawyer wants to start with the processing of documentation.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: No need to contact Welsby, then?

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 18:22:22

Fung,

I am in receipt of your email. No need to contact Welsby, you say? Fair enough. I'm sure you know what you're doing. I just hope this lawyer of yours is up to scratch. We'll soon see.

Important point: kindly remember to address me properly. As I have already told you, almost nobody calls me "Gilbert". It's "Wing Commander Murray" to you, if you'll be so kind my good man.

Now then, I've set up a new account with my bank. Here's the details you need:

Bank Account Name: Gilbert Arnold Murray

Bank Account Number: 74053275

Sort Code: 21-38-19

Account Holding Bank: Bartletts Bank PLC, 14 Slocombe Street, Lincoln, Lincolnshire, UK

The account is currently empty and ready for us to use for the purposes of this transaction. I trust that this meets with your approval.

Now then, where do we go from here?

Have to tell you, afraid I won't be available tomorrow. Annual General Meeting of the England for the English campaign I told you about. Very important. Can't be helped.

No matter, I will return to this business with gusto on Thursday. Then we'll power ahead, you mark my words.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: WE HAVE COMMERCE TRANSACTION MY PARTNER

Sent: Tue, 20 Apr 2004 15:34:14 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I have received your details. Now I am certain that you are willing to give the required assistance and I must maintain that we shall succeed as we are about to commence this deal. I want to say that I am happy with your response to my emails and I also want to let you know that I need your continuous commitment and seriousness to instructions I shall hand over to you as this transaction progresses. Let me reiterate here that I seek assistance from you that will benefit us immensely. I believe in the principle of look before you leap, that is why I am sending you more information to enable you have an in-depth and total understanding of this transaction before we commence.

I feel safer now communicating with you, bringing you into the full picture of this deal with your apparent understanding of the need for utmost confidentiality and secrecy about every detail of this transaction till such a time when it is safe to do otherwise.

What must be done:

First thing this morning, I will take the information you have provided to the attorney who will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits which will put you in place as the next of kin. The attorney will draft a will which will name you as the beneficiary/sole executor of the will. This will will be backdated to purport that it had been written and signed by the depositor himself. The attorney will file in the high court with an appropriate affidavit in order to empowering you as the next of kin/sole beneficiary and trustee/sole executor of the estate of depositor, which includes the sum of $30 million lying in the account number which I shall give you. All these processes will be accomplished within seven working days and money will be transferred to your account immediately. The very good thing about this transaction is that it will be done in a very proper and legal manner.

Upon preparation of these documents and approvals from the relevant authorities, then our correspondent bank in Europe will transfer the money to your nominated account. The attorney will handle all the processes of obtaining the approvals on your behalf and therefore I hope that you be very certain of the bank information you have provided. On completion of this transaction, you will be required to hold this fund in your account until I come over to your country for the sharing of the money.

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this transaction will be done by the attorney and my position as the Branch Manager guarantees the successful execution of this transaction. Please observe utmost confidentiality, and rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us. I hope this will be an enduring partnership, because I will need your help to do a research into viable and feasible investment options for me. I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country, as any attempt for me to invest my share of the money in my country will only trigger off attention to me and a chain of investigation will ensue. I am taking more time to explain to you the details of this transaction, some of which I might have written to you in my previous email containing more informations. This is because I want to be sure that you understand this transaction deeply in as much as I would continuously need your seriousness and commitment, so that together we shall successfully bring this transaction to completion.

It is of utmost importance that you communicate only with the provided email address. Correspond to smooth out entangled issues that you do not understand or send me an email. I will also call you as I have earlier told you, as I need to also speak with you in person. I will update you with progress on the transaction shortly. I await response via email while anticipating your full co-operation. I also assure you that you will definitely smile forever after the transaction has been completed.

Sincerely yours,

Mr Chan Fung

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Message understood

Sent: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 05:55:37

Fung,

Just checking my emails before leaving this morning for the England for the English AGM I told you about. Just wanted to let you know that your message got through and although I found your email rather complicated, I think I understand everything. All seems present and correct.

Well done on managing to address me correctly, by the way. Good show. Keep it up.

I am sure you're right: I have a feeling that I certainly will "smile forever after the transaction has been completed".

One thing: are you sure this whole affair is strictly legal and above board? Sounds like we could be sailing a bit close to the wind, if you catch my drift. Do you see? Please reassure me on this matter.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE TREAT AS VERY URGENT

Sent: Wed, 21 Apr 2004 17:51:50 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I thank you for your response as my lawyer has notified me today that all documents will be ready soon and I will make a transfer to a correspondent bank to my bank in Europe and I will send to your bank a contact to secure the account and instruct the bank to make a transfer to your local account, as all documents will be bearing your names as the beneficiary of the fund.

Immediately the legal department of my bank approves all documents, I will immediately make a transfer to a correspondent bank in Europe, which you shall instruct to make a direct transfer to your account in your country and I will send to you contact details of the bank in Europe, as all documents will be bearing your name as the next of kin to the late Smith Lawrence and as the beneficiary of the fund.

You don't have to worry as we are going to succeed in this transaction, as I will make the transfer as soon as possible to the offshore bank and you will instruct the bank as the beneficiary of the fund and you will be in control of the fund till when I join. I will like you to provide me with a copy of your international passport or picture for identity and trust as I don't want anything to happen to that fund, as I don't want to joke the fund, as the fund is a very huge amount of money. I am going to use my share to settle many bills and commitments. Please, it is not as if I don't trust you, but I am just being careful and watchful as I don't want anything to happen to the fund when it gets to your country.

Partner, I will like you to advise me of an area of investment in your country, as I will like to invest a part of my share in your country as I don't want to bring back all my share back to Taiwan because I don't want anybody to look over their shoulder and I will like you to confirm that the fund will be very safe in your care till when I join you for the sharing, because I am battling to make sure everything goes successfully and I don't want anything to happen to this fund. It is not as if I don't trust you, but I have to be careful and watchful.

I await your response and look forward to a successful transaction with you.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: You've confused me now

Sent: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 12:03:44

Fung,

Glad to say that the England for the English AGM went marvellously well yesterday. Bit of a long day - I had to get the train all the way to Llangollen where it was being held - but it was a top-notch meeting. Our Chairman, Seamus O'Grady, gave a rousing keynote speech and set the tone for the rest of the day.

Now then Fung. Sorry to say that you've managed to confuse me somewhat with your last email. All this talk of your bank and my bank and a correspondent bank and a European bank how many blessed banks do we need to deal with here? All a bit much for me to take in at once, to tell the truth. Let's have it explained again, and in plain English this time. Might help if you used a bit of punctuation here and there, do you see?

Thought it might be a good idea if I printed off your email and asked Welsby for his advice. He's always good at explaining complex things in words of one syllable. What do you think? I'm sure he wouldn't mind.

Now, you say you want some sound investment advice. Well, you've come to the right chap. I think I mentioned I've done quite well out of the stock market over the years. Good eye for a company on the up, that's the secret. Buy at the bottom and sell at the top. Finger to the ground, eyes in the air, nose peeled and all that. Just what the doctor ordered.

Well, right now I'd recommend putting your money into Arkwright's Stores. I read in the Financial Times the other day that they've just got rid of their old cash registers, which were proving damn troublesome, and invested in new ones. The pundits reckon this'll improve the customer throughput no end. Ronnie Barker, their Chairman, was quoted as saying they'll be open all hours too, which has got to be good for the share price.

Barker was my rear gunner years ago in the RAF, and he's a man to be trusted. Saved my life on one occasion. Plane came down in the desert and Johnny Enemy was on us at once. One of them crept up behind me and nearly managed to impale me with his sword. He had his weapon in his hands and was about to slip it into me from behind, when Barker saw what was going on. He jumped up, shouted out a warning and pulled the chap off with his bare hands. Top fella, Barker, do you see?

Another tip. I reckon Cambridge Boat Builders are on the up and up. They hit some choppy waters recently, but I'd say they're definitely worth a punt now.

Anyway, I'll keep my eyes open for more good investment opportunities and keep you informed.

Now then Fung, seeing as I'm helping you out with this transaction, I trust you'll be able to see your way to helping me out with something too. Something close to my heart. It's a petition for the England for the English campaign. I've attached one to this email. Be a good chap: print it out, fill it in, scan it back in and send it back to me as soon as you can. If you could get anyone else at your bank to sign it too, that'd be magnificent. Don't take your time over it, now. I'll expect it back from you in the next day or so. Splendid.

Oh, you wanted a photo of me. One attached. Taken from the last England for the English newsletter, in which I wrote a stirring article on the need to repatriate all Cornish people who've crossed the border into England. Send em back, that's what I say. Handsome chap, given my age, wouldn't you agree? Fresh air, regular exercise and prunes every day for breakfast, that's the ticket.

Right. Get back to me with a simple explanation of what's what, and we're in business.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

A petition to remove Cornwall from England

Gilbert's petition

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY, MY PARTNER

Sent: Thu, 22 Apr 2004 15:12:22 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I got your mail and I thank you for your response, and hope you and your family are all doing well. Look partner, I got your form which I will do as soon as possible.

Partner, I don't want you to disclose this transaction to anybody till when I make the transfer out of Taiwan as I don't want anybody to look over their shoulder, I told you before to keep utmost confidentiality.

I will explain to you now so that you can understand better.

Look partner, immediately the legal department of my bank approves all the documents, they will initiate a transfer of funds to a correspondent bank in Europe (Holland), where you shall instruct the bank to directly make a transfer to your account in the UK, as I will send to you the bank contact details as soon as possible. I am doing this because if I make a direct transfer to your account in the UK, tax will take a very big share of our fund and I don't want the fund to be scrutinised and questioned by anybody or agencies as the fund is a very huge amount of money. I don't want to joke with it as the bank in Holland will transfer the fund to your account in the UK bit by bit. You don't have to disclose this transaction to anybody, as the bank in Holland will directly make a transfer to your account you have provided. All you have to do is to contact the bank when I make the transfer out of Taiwan as I will send to you the bank contact details.

Partner, you don't have to worry as I told you that I know all strategies to make transfers outside to other countries without the fund being hooked, or tax claiming a big share of the fund. Please, you have to follow all instructions given to you from time to time to make sure we attain success, as I think all documents will be out today and I will make the transfer immediately and send contact details of the correspondent bank where I will make the transfer to as soon as possible.

I will get to you as soon as possible as I am very busy trying to perfect everything to initiate the transfer out of Taiwan as I don't want to waste any time as the fund is a very huge amount of money that I don't want to joke with.

You don't have to disclose this transaction to anybody as I expect you to keep utmost confidentiality till when the fund leaves Taiwan, as I will get to you as soon as possible.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Message received and understood

Sent: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 08:02:12

Fung,

Thank you for your email. Message received and understood. Slightly perplexed to see that you explained everything at least twice, but maybe that's the way things are done in the Thai banking world.

So, you're going to transfer the fund from your bank to a bank in Holland to avoid Johnny Taxman getting his hands on any of it, are you? Marvellous. Good show. Well done. Like your style. Shows initiative. Then I contact the bank in Holland, they transfer the fund over to my bank account and we're all home and dry and safely back in time for tea. Excellent plan. I like it.

Read the FT yesterday and found another good investment opportunity you might like to consider. Trotter's Independent Trading. They've got offices worldwide, in New York, Paris and Peckham, and although the Vice-Chairman, Rodney, can be a bit of a plonker, that's not stopped them from posting some damn decent results in the first quarter. Well worth a look I think. A cushty little number, I'd say. I'll keep my eye on them over the next few weeks and see how they perform.

You're very keen on confidentiality. No need to worry there, Fung. I'm a man who knows how to keep his mouth shut, and I'm known in the village as a safe pair of hands with a secret. Only last week the local butcher confided in me that he'd got into a feud with a local farmer and had slaughtered all his cattle. Made me promise not to breathe a word of it to anyone. So there you go.

Doing this bit of business with you has brought back all sorts of memories of my time in your country. Damn fine place you live in, I have to say. Tell me, are you based in Bangkok itself, or somewhere out in the sticks?

What's our next move, my good man?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Appreciate you promising to fill in my petition. Good man. Get it back to me as soon as you can, there's a good chap.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Murray calling Fung. Please respond

Sent: Sat, 24 Apr 2004 08:01:52

Fung,

Disappointed to not have had a reply from you yet regarding our next step. Appreciate you're a busy man and all that, but this is a serious business we're engaged in, and this is no time to be letting your mind wander.

Perhaps you're taking time to make sure you get my petition completely filled in. Good thinking. Well done. However, don't let this distract you completely from our transaction.

I'd appreciate it if you could clear your mind of thoughts of pretty girls or whatever, and address yourself to this transaction with some urgency. I'm sitting here like a prize greyhound, straining at the leash to get my teeth around the rabbit of this transaction, and delays are not what we need right now.

Expect to hear from you by return. Good man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GOOD NEWS MY PARTNER. PLEASE TREAT AS VERY URGENT

Sent: Sat, 24 Apr 2004 06:34:26 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I told you that all modalities have been put in place for the successful completion of this transaction once you follow instructions given to you from time to time. All I need from you is total commitment and time.

I am happy to inform you that I have just finally been able to initiate the transfer today. I expect that the money should be confirmed with the correspondent bank within 72 hours. The money will be paid through a correspondent bank because a direct transfer cannot be made from my branch here in Taiwan, it has to be via a correspondent bank as I told you about. I did inform you of the apparent dangers of making this direct transfer into your local account and I also want you to know that we shall be losing as much as 40% to your IRS as inheritance taxes if I make a direct wire transfer.

To avoid this, as I said earlier, I am sending you the contact details of the correspondent bank to my bank in Taiwan. All I need from you is to secure an account with this bank and this correspondent bank will directly transfer money to your account in your country. It will be transferred bit by bit or the way you feel it will be comfortable for you, so that anybody cannot look over their shoulder as you don't have to worry over the fund as you will instruct the bank in Europe to transfer this fund to any account you want to and it will be done bit by bit so that you will not be questioned.

I advise you like I said earlier that you open an account via online with the bank, so that the funds will be moved straight into your account and the transfer will not attract the monetary bodies, as the transfer will be seen as in-house (same telex type as my bank). You can then transfer the funds in safe bits to your main account for both of us.

Please find below the bank's website:

Europoint Offshore Security Finance: http://www.epsfin.com

Browse it and make enquiries on offshore/online account opening.

Please secure an account and instruct the bank to transfer the fund immediately. Immediately you secure an account, make sure you get back to me and try to update me with all correspondence with the bank in Europe as we have succeeded in this transaction.

I await your fast response and correspondence with the bank in Europe.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Sorry, but you've confused me again

Sent: Sat, 24 Apr 2004 21:53:19

Fung,

Thank you for your email. We seem to be making some progress at last. Good show. Well done.

Afraid to say that you've managed to confuse me once again. I've already opened one bank account for the purposes of this transaction. Am I right in thinking that you now want me to open another one? Will the one I opened the other day not do? Should I open another bank account at Bartletts, my own bank? Please advise. Sorry about the confusion, but all this stuff about bank accounts and transfers is a lot for me to cope with. Would appreciate your help in explaining all this to me.

Pleased to say that I came across another sound investment opportunity in the FT today: Good Life Organic Foods. This operation apparently started off as a small family concern in the 1970s, but the proprietors, Tom and Barbara Good, hit the big time when Margo and Jerry Leadbetter joined the company, giving some much needed financial know-how. The organic market is growing strongly, and I reckon the shares in this company are a good buy at the moment. What do you reckon?

Look forward to hearing from you by return with a bit of an explanation for me.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. No sign of my petition. Send it back, there's a good chap. I need it pretty sharpish.

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE, FUND IS IN HOLLAND, PLEASE CONTACT BANK IMMEDIATELY AND UPDATE ME IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Sun, 25 Apr 2004 11:59:34 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I hope you and your family are all in good health. Look partner, I told you before now that I am going to use a correspondent bank in Europe which you shall instruct to transfer the fund to your account in your country because of tax claiming a big share of our fund, as I don't want anything to happen to our fund as I am battling to make sure we are successful in this transaction.

Look partner, the fund is with this bank in Europe as I made a transfer to the offshore bank in Europe. All you have to do is to contact the bank and let them know your fund from Taiwan is with the bank and you want the fund to be transferred to your country bit by bit. I expect you to treat this as very urgent as you are the beneficiary of the fund and all documents are all bearing your names. Partner, let the bank know you want the fund to be transferred bit by bit to avoid any scrutiny and being questioned by anybody or agencies, as the fund is a very huge amount of money with the bank.

Partner, the fund has been transferred out of Taiwan and the fund is with the correspondent bank in Holland. I expect you to contact the bank immediately and make arrangements with the bank to make a transfer immediately to your account you have secured in your country. I expect you to secure an account with this bank as this bank is a offshore bank for transfer and a correspondent bank to my bank.

I think you understand everything perfectly as I don't want you to waste any time. Please, contact the bank with the contact I have sent to you and make arrangements with the bank contact I sent to you, as I expect you to treat this as very urgent as the fund with the bank is a very huge amount of money I don't want to joke with.

All you have to do immediately is to contact the bank and let them know you need your fund from Taiwan immediately, and make arrangements with the bank to start making arrangements to transfer the fund to your account in your country bit by bit as I don't want you to waste any time.

Please contact the bank and make arrangements with the bank in Holland immediately and instruct the bank to transfer the fund as soon as possible to your account, as all documents are all bearing your names, and I expect you to treat this as very urgent as we have a lot to gain, as the fund with the bank is a very huge amount of money I don't want to joke with as I have many bills and commitments to settle with my share, as I am still holding my lawyer some balance money to pay to him and I intend taking my wife out for treatment, as I will like to round up this transaction soon as possible.

Contact the bank immediately and let them know you need your fund from Taiwan as you are the beneficiary of the fund and the next of kin to the late Smith Lawrence, and all documents are bearing your names and you want them to start making arrangements to transfer the fund to the UK without any delays, as I expect you to make arrangements with the bank immediately and update me as soon as possible when the fund is set to leave Holland.

I await your fast response and hope you understand every procedure as we have succeeded in this transaction.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Let me get this straight

Sent: Sun, 25 Apr 2004 22:51:09

Fung,

Thank you for your email. I'm sorry, my dear chap, but I'm still confused.

You say that you've transferred this money from Thailand to Holland. Fine. I understand this bit. But then things get a bit hazy.

In your email you told me to contact the bank in Holland and make arrangements for them to transfer the fund to my account here in the UK. But you also told me to set up a new account with the bank in Holland. Why the blazes do I have to set up a new account with this Dutch bank when they can transfer the money straight to my account with Bartletts?

I just don't understand. Do I have to set up a new account with these Dutch johnnies or not? You're not making things clear.

I'm sorry to keep on like this, but I simply don't understand what the hell is going on, or what the hell I need to do to bring this transaction to a successful conclusion. Please, tell me simply exactly what I have to do, and stop complicating matters.

Here's a tip. Try using less words next time. It would help.

I look forward to hearing from you by return. As soon as I understand what I have to do, I will move with the speed of a ferret up a trouserleg.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Where's the damn petition? How long does it take to sign your name? Send it back by return.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Get back to me, for god's sake

Sent: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 13:32:48

Fung,

Very disappointed to see that you've not yet got back to my last email. What are you doing over there, for god's sake? We have a transaction to conclude here, and this needs commitment from both of us. At the moment it seems to me like I'm having to pilot the plane all by myself while my co-pilot's snoozing in the rear of the cockpit. Well this just won't do, do you hear?

As I have already told you, I'm a bit in the dark, having read your emails. Not the best at explaining things simply, are you? Makes my damn head hurt, reading some of the stuff you've sent me, I have to say. Too many words and not enough sense if you ask me.

I think what I'll do is get in touch with the Dutch johnnies at this bank and see what they have to say for themselves. Think that's probably best, don't you? I'll copy you in on the email I send to them.

Incidentally, I've come across what looks like a cast iron investment opportunity in the FT today. Grace Brothers, a long-established London department store, is about to float on the stock exchange. The FT interviewed some of the key players. Apparently Mr Humphries has completely revamped their menswear collection, bringing in a new summer range called "I'm Free", and Mrs Slocombe has introduced a radical new range of lingerie called "Pussy", which has been getting rave reviews in womens' magazines. She wouldn't stop talking about her "Pussy" in the interview the FT did with her, which amused me greatly. But in all seriousness, Fung, Grace Brothers has to be a strong contender for our investment portfolio.

Had a call earlier today from an old RAF chum, Paddy "Hopalong" O'Halloran, Campaign Treasurer of the England for the English campaign. Damn decent chap. You'd like him, Fung. We were chatting away about the good old days, back when we were a couple of young upstarts in the RAF, and it brought to mind the episode that earned "Hopalong" his nickname.

We were both based in your country at the time, and after a heavy night out in the bars of Phuket (another appropriately-named place, as it happens), we ended up sitting on Patong beach drinking Singha beer as the moon rose. Anyway, this local girl approached us and asked if we were interested in any action. I was far too past it to be interested, but O'Halloran was just sober enough to be up for it. Anyway, off they went behind a canoe, and O'Halloran bent her over the canoe and managed to have his way with her. Well, it was only after he'd finished and was pulling up his trousers that he found out she was one of those damn ladyboys!

Well, O'Halloran was livid, I can tell you! He got out his service revolver and was about to shoot the ladyboy, but he was so drunk that he tripped over a piece of driftwood and shot himself in the left foot, blasting off two of his toes! Hence the nickname. I still rib him about that episode nowadays.

Aah, I've so many memories of your country. Marvellous place. Ever been to Phuket yourself, Fung?

Right, back to business. I'll get right onto the bank and let you know what happens.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Send me the petition back immediately. It's getting urgent now.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance; Cc: Chan Fung

Subject: Enquiry

Sent: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 13:42:42

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,

Guten tag (as I believe you say in Holland).

I am writing to you to arrange the transfer of funds from one of your bank accounts into one of my own bank accounts. I've been corresponding with a Thai chappie called Fung - I imagine he's been in touch with you - on this matter, and Fung has asked me to contact you. To tell the truth, Fung's confused me somewhat and I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm hoping you can enlighten me.

Basically, Fung tells me that he's transferred a heap of money from an account in Thailand to an account in your bank. The money once belonged to some fella called Smith Lawrence, but he's dead now, so I'm claiming it as mine. I'm his next of kin, do you see? Fung tells me he has documents to back this up if you don't believe me.

Now then, Fung was talking about me opening an account with your bank, but I wasn't quite sure what he was getting at, to be honest. I've had a quick look at your website, but it was all double-dutch to me. No offence. Do I need to open an account with your bank, or can you transfer the money directly into my own bank account, which is with Bartletts of Lincoln? Fine bank, long-established. Expect you've dealt with them before.

Oh, Fung tells me I should ask you to transfer the fund bit by bit, to prevent anyone from looking over their shoulders. He's very keen that nobody should look over their shoulders. Not sure why, but there you go.

Right. I look forward to a prompt response, with instructions on what I need to do to get my hands on this money of mine that you're holding.

Auf wiedersehen (as I believe you also say in Holland).

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: What the hell is going on?

Sent: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 13:44:27

Fung,

I've just emailed the bank, as you'll have seen.

My email's been returned to me as undeliverable: it looks like the bank's email isn't working.

What the hell is going on? What sort of bank gives an unusable email address on its website? What kind of buffoons are these people?

Send me the bank's correct email address immediately and I'll get back to them.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE CONTACT THE BANK IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Mon, 26 Apr 2004 20:03:01 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I am very disappointed in your correspondence. Look partner, you are making things very difficult for me. I told you that the fund is with the bank and that you should contact the bank immediately and let them know you want your fund from Taiwan, while you are telling me you don't understand. Look, you don't have to tell the bank in Holland that I am your close friend, as I expect you to contact the bank as the beneficiary of the fund as they have all the documents for the transfer and your names are all bearing the documents and you are supposed to let the bank know that you are a close friend to the late Smith Lawrence, not telling them that you don't know Smith Lawrence.

Please, $30,000,000.00 is with the bank in Holland. Please contact the bank immediately and let them know you want your fund. I told you before to follow all instructions that are given to you from time to time.

Reach the bank with this email address and update me soon as possible as I don't want you to disclose anything to the bank, please just let the bank know you need your fund from Taiwan: customerservice@epsfin.com.

All you have to do is to contact the bank to receive your fund from Taiwan, that is all.

I await your fast response as I expect you to treat this as very urgent.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: No need to be rude, Fung

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 07:19:21

Fung,

I am in receipt of your email. Found it rude, to be perfectly honest. I'm the one who's been breaking my back here trying to get this transaction off the ground, and all I get from you is insults. Well it just won't do, Fung. An apology is in order, do you hear?

Despite your truculence, I will make another attempt to contact this so-called bank today. I only hope that the email address you have provided me with works, unlike the one I tried yesterday.

I will keep you updated.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Where's that damned petition? How many times do I have to ask you this?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Enquiry

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 09:18:31

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,

Guten tag (as I believe you say in Holland).

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.).

I believe that you are currently holding a sum of $30 million that has recently been transferred from an account in Thailand. This money once belonged to a fella called Smith Lawrence, who most carelessly died in a car crash. As it happens, I'm Smith Lawrence's next of kin, so I'm claiming this money as my own.

Now then, can you transfer the money directly into my own bank account, which I hold with Bartletts of Lincoln? Let me know if you can, and I'll send you my account details by return.

I'd like the fund transferred bit by bit rather than in one single transaction, to prevent Johnny Taxman from getting suspicious. Sure you understand.

Get back to me as soon as you can with instructions on what I have to do to get my hands on this money of mine.

Auf wiedersehen (as I believe you also say in Holland).

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Tried to contact you yesterday, using an email address you listed on your website, but the damn thing didn't work. My email was bounced straight back to me as undeliverable. Damn shoddy, if you ask me, putting an email address that doesn't work on your website. I'd sort it out if I were you: you'll be losing custom, you mark my words.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: I have contacted the bank

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 10:14:03

Fung,

A quick note to let you know that I've sent the bank another email, and that this one looks like it's got through to them. Must have used a dicky email address yesterday. Damn sloppy of them to put an invalid email address on their website.

Hopefully Johnny Van Dutchman will get back to me sometime today. I'll keep you informed of developments.

While you're waiting to hear from me, may I suggest you spend your time doing something productive: fill in that petition I sent you and get it back to me today. Good man.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Still no word from the bank

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 16:06:52

Fung,

Still no word from the bank, I'm afraid. Not very impressive, is it? I have to say, Nat West, my own Bank Manager, is always very prompt at responding to queries. I would have thought this Dutch outfit would have been a bit quicker off the mark, especially given the amount of money involved. After all, it's not like I'm some Dutch schoolboy with a few Guilders in his pocket who wants to open a new account.

Maybe it's a public holiday in Holland - that might explain it. These continental types tend to declare public holidays at the drop of a hat, from what I've heard. It could be National Clog Day, or Go Stick Your Finger In A Dyke Day, or something like that.

Go Stick Your Finger In A Dyke... actually, that reminds me of another experience I had with "Hopalong" O'Halloran in a Thai so-called massage parlour, back in the days when all his toes were still present and correct. No need to go into details here though. Enough said, do you see? Marvellous place, your country. Everything a young chappie could wish for, and all for less than the cost of a pint of beer and a bag of chips back home.

Anyway, I'm assuming you've dealt with these Dutch chappies before. You must have done, when you transferred the money to them from Thailand. Any chance you could give them a poke with a sharp stick and wake them up? Can't afford any delays when there's large amounts of money at stake.

On another matter, I read about another investment possibility in the FT today that's worth considering: Fletcher's Porridge Oats. I read that the Chairman, Norman Stanley Fletcher, recently got the better of his main rival in the business, Mr Mackay's Oats, and ended up buying them out. If you ask me, it looks like Fletcher's going straight to the top in the world of oat-based breakfast cereals.

Well Fung, get onto the bank and hurry them along, there's a good chap. I'm getting sick of these delays, to tell the truth.

Let me know how you get on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PARTNER, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY AS THEY WILL CONTACT YOU SOON AS POSSIBLE

Sent: Tue, 27 Apr 2004 15:33:20 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I was not happy with the way you responded to me as I am battling to make sure everything goes successfully. I am sorry if I have used some terms you don't appreciate, but I never insulted you and I will never do, as you are like a brother and a partner to me at this stage of transaction, because we are going to share this fund immediately the bank in Holland transfers the fund to your account, as I will join you as soon as possible for the sharing.

Partner, I am very happy that you have contacted the bank, and I hope they will get to you as soon as possible. You don't have to worry about anything as the bank is very busy with official duties.

Please, immediately you receive a contact from the bank, please respond and let them know they should transfer your fund from Taiwan. There is no way I can hasten the bank up because I am not the beneficiary of the fund and I have no say over that fund because the fund was not transferred with my names.

You are the beneficiary of the fund and you have say over that fund and you will instruct the bank to transfer the fund to your account in the UK bit by bit to avoid tax claiming a big share of the fund. I will send your filled-in form as soon as possible as I am very busy with official duties for now and I hope to do that and send it to you as soon as possible.

I thank you for your effort you are putting in and I assure you that we are going to smile as soon as possible as I love your investment ideas you are researching on and I hope we will sit down and conclude the one that will be best to start with as soon as possible.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: I hope to hear from the bank today

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 07:09:37

Fung,

Thank you for your email. Let's hope those fellas at the bank get back to me today then. You say they're probably busy with official duties, eh? Well, it's either that or they're lying flat on their backs in a hashish bar, stoned out of their minds on drugs. I've been to Holland, Fung. I know what these Dutch johnnies are like. Bit too free and easy with illegal substances, do you see? Wouldn't put up with that in this country, you mark my words.

Mind you, Holland does have its good points. As I remember, the ladies around the docks in Amsterdam were most accommodating, if you know what I mean. Enough said. No need to tell the wife and all that. Sure you get my drift. Still, wouldn't put up with goings-on like that here in Gypping in the Marsh. Alright over there, but it can stay over there.

Glad you like my investment ideas, by the way. Putting a lot of effort into finding decent companies on the up and up to invest our new-found wealth in. Johnny Postman should deliver the FT any time now, so I'll scour it with my usual intensity and see what drops out of the woodwork today. Will let you know.

Right, time for tea and crumpet. I'll get back to you as soon as I hear from these chappies at the bank.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Kindly respond to my enquiry

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 10:09:18

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,

Guten tag.

I contacted you yesterday regarding the transfer of a large sum of money of mine that you're currently holding. Disappointed not to have had a response from you. What with email addresses on your website that don't work and delays in responding to enquiries, customer service obviously isn't your strong point. Something you could work on, I'd suggest.

This is a sizeable amount of money we're talking about, so I'd appreciate it if you could treat this matter with a degree of urgency. Kindly get back to me by return with details of how we can go about transferring this money to my bank account.

Look forward to your prompt response.

Auf wiedersehen.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Still not a peep from the bank

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 12:14:29

Fung,

Still not a peep from the bank, despite a brief email from me this morning to chivvy them along. Damn shoddy. Have these people never heard of the concept of customer service?

Shame you couldn't have picked an English bank to work with, Fung. If you'd have picked Bartletts, for example, I'll bet we would have been home and dry by now. Bartletts may be a bit of a minnow in the banking ocean, but at least they respond to emails in good time.

It's the same with all these continental types, if you ask me. Foreigners. You just can't trust 'em. Present company excepted, of course: I know I can trust you, Fung. You seem to be on the straight and level. Why, you could almost be English.

Picked out another investment opportunity for us in the Financial Times this morning: Rigsby's Rising Damp Treatment Ltd. Apparently they're on the verge of perfecting an innovative new way of treating rising damp that should put them way ahead of their rivals. They're a national company, with plans to expand into Europe, so the potential for growth is enormous. Just as long as they can avoid falling into lackadaisical continental ways when they expand over the channel. One to watch, I'd say. What do you reckon, Fung?

Here's hoping the damn bank will get in touch this afternoon. I'll let you know as soon as they do.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance; Cc: Chan Fung

Subject: Respond to my emails, god damn it

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 15:43:09

Dear Sir/Madam/Other,

Guten tag.

I contacted you yesterday regarding the transfer of a fund that you are currently holding. I got no response.

I contacted you again this morning. Again, I got no response.

What the hell are you playing at?

Your corporate mission statement, as displayed prominently on your website, states that you aim "to provide first class service to our customers". I've seen precious little evidence of first class service from you. Or any service at all for that matter.

Your website also blathers on about "customer responsiveness and quality service delivery". There's been no sign of either of those so far.

Your website also states that you have "invested heavily in communications systems, software and hardware to gain competitive advantage". Well may I suggest that you start using some of your communications systems, and start responding to my emails?

I am not a patient man, and I will not put up with shoddy service like this. Get back to me at once, or I will take my business elsewhere, do you hear?

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Respond to my emails, god damn it

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 13:04:11 -0400

Dear Gilbert Murray,

This is to inform you that we are in receipt of your mails. Also note that your funds are presently here in our firm. You are required to contact the Director of Payment, Mr Peter Van Bakers, on +31-626-322-273. He is in the position to satisfy your needs.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Ah, so there is someone working at your bank then

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 19:55:25

Dear Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

Thank you for your email. Glad to see someone got back to me eventually. So I've got to contact this Van Bakers character, have I? I'll give him a bell tomorrow morning. Trust he's better at answering his phone than his so-called "Customer Service department" is at answering their emails.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. I'd appreciate it if you could address me properly, dear lady. It's "Wing Commander Murray" to you, if you don't mind.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: I've finally heard from the bank

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 19:57:25

Fung,

Just to keep you up to date, I've finally heard from this damn lazy Dutch bank. Apparently I've got to call a chappie called Van Baking or something, and he can sort me out.

I'll give him a bell tomorrow morning. I'll keep you informed as to what's going on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE TRY TO TREAT THIS URGENTLY MY PARTNER

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 14:35:55 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I hope all is well with you and your families. I am very happy with your correspondence as I was disturbed over our fund lying in the bank in Holland and no response from the bank. Now I am comfortable that they have finally responded to you. Please give the official a call first thing tomorrow morning as I will like you to make arrangements with the bank immediately to start transferring the fund out of Holland to your account in the UK.

Please get to the bank and make all arrangements as I look forward to a successful transaction with you as I thank you for the effort you are putting in to make sure we are successful in this transaction.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Leave everything to me, Fung

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 22:39:45

Fung,

No need to worry. Leave everything to me. I'll sort things out with the bank in no time.

Now. While I'm busy dealing with the bank, why don't you spend your time wisely: get busy completing my petition and get it back to me as soon as possible.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU ARE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME MY PARTNER

Sent: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 14:54:36 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I thank you for your fast response. Look partner, I will do that as soon as possible. I want you to finish the arrangement with the bank as soon as possible as I will send to you your form as I have a problem with my printer but will fix it up as soon as possible or get another one.

Please do this and update me when the bank will start making the transfer.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: FAO Peter Van Baking, Director of Payment

Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 10:06:31

Van Baking,

Guten tag.

I've been corresponding with a charming woman at your bank, Pamela Gore, regarding the transfer of funds from an account in your bank to my own bank account.

To give you some background, this money originally belonged to a chappie called Smith Lawrence, but he's dead now, so I'm claiming it as mine. Next of kin, do you see? The fund, $30 million, was transferred to you from an account in Thailand, and I now want to arrange its transfer to my bank account here in England. Ms Gore has confirmed that the funds are currently with your bank, and advised me to contact you to arrange the transfer.

Now then, I've tried calling you on the number Ms Gore gave me, but we're having a few problems with the damn telephone service round here at the moment. The telephone company is currently in the middle of replacing a load of telegraph poles, and our phone service is at best intermittent. Damn inconvenient, I can tell you.

With this in mind, I think it would be easier if we communicated by email: I get my email via satellite, so it's not affected. Probably be easier to make ourselves understood by email too, especially as English isn't your first language and I know as much Swahili as I know Dutch. Let me have your own email address, so I can email you directly, there's a good man.

So, what I want to know from you is how we go about transferring this fund to my bank account here in England. I'd like it transferred bit by bit, to avoid Johnny Taxman getting interested. I'm sure you understand.

Interesting to be dealing with a Dutchman, by the way. The area of Lincolnshire I live in has had links with your country for centuries. It's even called "South Holland". Many similarities between the two places, do you know? Flat landscape, much of it reclaimed from the sea, drained by large dykes, many of which I hear were originally constructed by Dutchmen. Well done. Good show. We even grow tulips around here, just like you do. It's just like your country, really, only without the hard drugs, the legalised brothels and the sex shops on every corner. Wouldn't put up with those kinds of goings-on around here. Not when there are kiddies about.

Anyway, get back to me by return and let me know what our next step is. Look forward to doing business with you.

Auf wiedersehen.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Thought I'd better tell you that your so-called "Customer Service department" isn't too hot at answering emails. Probably worth looking into. I think someone's slacking there. Eye off the ball and all that. Worth nipping in the bud before mountains turn into molehills, do you see?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Another potential investment opportunity

Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 12:04:12

Fung,

Contacted this Van Baking fella this morning. Waiting for a response. Hopefully he's a bit more on the ball than his Customer Service department, who I wouldn't mind betting are too busy painting their nails and talking about shoes and things to answer urgent emails.

Anyway, I came across a cracking investment opportunity in the FT this morning. Last of the Summer Wine Ltd. They're a Yorkshire-based firm. Specialise in importing fine wines from around the world into the country. They've been through a bit of a foggy patch recently profits-wise, but a management buyout has resulted in the previous MD, Mr Compo, being ousted and replaced by Mr Clegg, who's supposed to be a much safer pair of hands. I think we'd be batty not to consider investing some money into this company.

Let's hope Van Baking gets back to me quickly. I'm getting damn irritated at the way these Dutch johnnies are delaying things.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: I have had enough of this damn bank's inaction

Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 17:04:59

Fung,

This damn Dutch bank still hasn't got back to me. One email in four days, that's all I've managed to get out of them. And this Van Baking chappie hasn't responded to me at all. Infuriating, that's what it is. Infuriating.

I despair. I just don't know what to do to rouse these torpid tinkers. They simply don't respond to my emails. I've seen more action out of my labrador Moseley, and he's been dead and stuffed in the corner of my study for four bloody years.

Do these people have any idea of the importance of this transaction, Fung? What on earth made you transfer the fund to such a bone-idle bunch of crepuscular kinkajous? Could you not have chosen a bank that wasn't entirely staffed by such a lallygagging lot of lethargic lemurs?

I have tried my best to keep my temper, but I am near the end of my tether. I am not a patient man, and I am simply not prepared to put up with such a lamentably poor standard of service. We knew how to deal with people like that in the RAF, I can tell you.

I know how important this transaction is to you, Fung, and I was looking forward to working closely with you to invest our new-found wealth in a range of English businesses. As you know, I've already put a good deal of work into identifying potential investment opportunities. But thanks to the interminable foot dragging of these Dutch duffers, I have very nearly had enough.

I have to tell you, I received a business proposal from an African chappie called Abacha the other day, which I'm seriously considering following up. This Abacha sounds like a decent cove, and although it looks like I'll have to put up a considerable amount of money up front, his proposal sounds extremely lucrative - almost as lucrative as yours.

Now obviously, I got into bed with you first, as it were, and I'm loathe to turn my back on you and start working with this Abacha chappie. But unless these slothful simians at the bank get their bloody act together, I don't see that I have much choice.

If there is anything you can do to rouse these indolent imbeciles into action? You're obviously au fait with the world of international banking. Surely you can pull a few strings and get things moving? If you can't, is there any way you can transfer the money back out of the hands of these Dutch dossers to your own bank? Then we could transfer the money to my account some other way.

You're going to have to come up with something Fung. If I don't hear anything positive by tomorrow, I'm afraid I'm going to have to drop you like a ten-ton bomb and move forward with this Abacha fella. And I'd hate to do that after all the time I've put into this business.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: FAO Peter Van Baking, Director of Payment

Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 13:44:00 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This is to inform you that an appointment has been scheduled for you to be present here in our office to sign the release order document. View the attached page for more information regarding this.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

A document from the bank

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Hold fire, Fung!

Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 19:13:31

Fung,

Hold fire my dear chap, and disregard my last email: I've just heard back from this Van Baking fella, and it looks like it's all systems go!

About time too, if you ask me.

I'll keep you informed of developments.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE MAKE ARRANGEMENTS WITH THE BANK IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 17:22:38 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I thank you for your response. Look partner, please you have to make arrangements with the bank to release our fund as I expect you to make all arrangements with the bank to make the transfer to your country. Look partner, our $30,000,000 is with this bank and I told you that I use this bank because I don't want tax to claim a very big share of our fund and I don't want our fund to get hooked somewhere.

Please, the fund is a very huge amount of money with the bank in Holland. Please make arrangements with the bank to start making the transfer bit by bit as I expect you to treat this as very urgent because I don't want the bank to return our fund back to Taiwan which will be very bad for me and my families.

Please, immediately the bank is set to make the transfer, try to update me as I am making arrangements to join you up for the sharing of this fund.

Regards,

Chan

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: MAKE ARRANGEMENTS WITH THE BANK IMMEDIATELY

Sent: Thu, 29 Apr 2004 18:43:54 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I hope all is well with you my partner. Please make arrangements to make the transfer immediately as I don't want the fund to remain in the bank in Holland. Immediately you receive contact from the official in charge of our fund, please respond and make arrangements as soon as possible as I want the bank to transfer the fund immediately without any delays as we have a lot to gain when we share this fund.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: In response to your email

Sent: Fri, 30 Apr 2004 10:42:07

Dear Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

I am in receipt of your email. My heart leaped when I received it. At last, I thought, you'd got your house in order and we were starting to make some progress. Then I read the document you attached to the email, and my heart sank again. I don't quite know where to begin.

Firstly, you say that you've made an appointment for me to visit your offices on "Wednesday, the 3rd day of May 2004". May I point out, dear lady, that the 3rd day of May is actually a Monday, not a Wednesday. I knew there was a time difference between England and Holland, but I had no idea that there was a date difference as well. Do you have more days in April than we have over here or something?

Anyway, regardless of whether this appointment has been made for next Monday or next Wednesday, I cannot make either day. I may be retired, but I am a busy man. Monday is a bank holiday over here and I am away for a long weekend with Mrs Murray, and on Wednesday I have an appointment with my tailor to be fitted up for a new pair of plus fours. What on earth were you thinking of, making an appointment without consulting me first to see if I would be available?

If I do indeed need to visit your offices in person, I will be available on Thursday 6th May. Kindly let me know if this is suitable for you as well.

Secondly, the matter of these damn charges. How the devil can you justify charging eighteen thousand, eight hundred and eighteen Euros for the simple transfer of money from one account to another? I thought transferring money between accounts nowadays was a simple matter of pushing a few buttons. It costs nothing when I use my own bank to transfer money between accounts. So how the blazes can this cost EIGHTEEN THOUSAND, EIGHT HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN EUROS? Are you paying someone to transfer the money physically, coin by coin, or something?

These charges are clearly ludicrous and inflated. I demand that you provide me with a detailed breakdown of how these preposterous charges have been dreamed up. Send me this BY RETURN, or you won't get a damn penny out of me, do you hear?

Now. I must inform you that I will not be available this weekend. As I said, I am going away for a long weekend with the wife. I will possibly be able to check my emails up until early tomorrow morning, but after that I will be out of the loop until Monday evening. So get back to me today.

Today is the 30th April, by the way.

Auf wiedersehen.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. May I suggest you also nip out of the office during your lunch break and buy a damn calendar?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: I don't know what this damn fool bank is playing at

Sent: Fri, 30 Apr 2004 11:34:16

Fung,

Bad news, I'm afraid. I don't know what these gormless goons at the bank are playing at. I got an email from Van Baking's Secretary, a Ms Gore, late yesterday. Marvellous, I thought. And then I read her email.

This Gore woman told me that she had made an appointment for me on "Wednesday, the 3rd day of May 2004". Despite the fact that "Wednesday, the 3rd day of May 2004" doesn't bloody exist, what the damn woman was doing making an appointment without consulting me first, I don't know. I have got back to Ms Gore and told her that if I need to visit Holland, I can do so on Thursday 6th of May, and asked her to confirm if this is suitable.

What sort of bank employs people who don't even know what bloody day it is? That'll be a brain numbed by years of hard drug abuse, you mark my words, Fung. I know what these Dutch blighters get up to behind closed doors. And in front of them too, by all accounts.

But worse than this, Ms Gore had the temerity to tell me that I had to pay them 18,818 Euros for the privilege of them transferring the money from one account to another. That's nearly 13,000, Fung! Or to put it in language you'll understand, that's nearly 900,000 Thai bahts!

These absurd charges are obviously inflated. If you ask me, this bloody Dutch bank is trying to con us out of our hard-earned money, Fung. Probably all got industrial-scale drug habits to maintain. Well don't you worry, Fung. I'm not having it. I've got straight back to the bank and demanded that they justify these outrageous charges. I'll make sure they don't get a penny of our money until I know exactly what's what. You can rely on me, Fung.

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

Now, one more thing. I'm off tomorrow morning for a long weekend with Mrs Murray. We're visiting Newquay with a couple of chums from the England for the English campaign, Dai Jones and Jock McGovern, and their wives. Good couple of lads. Your sort of people, I've no doubt. With this in mind, I won't be available from tomorrow morning until Monday evening. However, you mark my words, I'll be back to this business like a greyhound after a rabbit as soon as the long weekend's over. And I'll sort out those Dutch johnnies, don't you worry.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. I expect to get that petition back from you by Monday evening. You've had it for over a week now and I need it back now. Chop chop, there's a good man.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance; Cc: Chan Fung

Subject: URGENT EMAIL, FAO Peter Van Baking, Director of Payment

Sent: Sat, 01 May 2004 08:25:42

Van Baking,

Guten tag.

I have been corresponding with your Secretary, Ms Gore, trying to arrange the transfer of funds from one of your accounts into my own bank account. Sorry to have to say this, but this Gore woman has shown nothing but rank incompetence in this matter so far. Despite the urgency of this matter, she seems to answer emails as and when it suits her. In other words, practically never. On top of this, she arranged a meeting for me on a day that doesn't even bloody exist: "Wednesday, the 3rd day of May 2004". Can you believe it?

I emailed the damn woman early yesterday, pointing out her mistake and asking her whether Thursday would be suitable. I also asked her to clarify precisely what charges I would have to pay to transfer the fund. I was astounded to see that she did not see fit to send me a reply.

I have mentioned the incompetence of your so-called "Customer Service department" in an earlier email to you. Well I can tell you now that the situation is becoming intolerable. I have never dealt with such a cack-handed "Customer Service department" in my life.

This matter is important, sir. A large amount of money is at stake here, but up to now your bank has treated me like a small boy who wishes to purchase a gobstopper from a sweet shop. This simply will not do, do you hear?

May I suggest, Van Baking, that you take charge of this matter yourself from now on, and push Ms Gore out of the loop? She is clearly as much use as a chocolate cheque book.

I am away for a short break until Monday night, but I expect to hear from you by the time I return. I am extremely keen to get this damn fund transferred as early as possible next week.

Respond to me at once, sir. At once, do you hear? Let's have some bloody action from you.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: The bank is delaying matters

Sent: Sat, 01 May 2004 08:36:29

Fung,

You'll have seen the email I sent to this Van Baking character at the bank. Don't know what they're playing at. They're delaying our damn transaction. Simply won't do. Never come across such rank incompetence in my life, I can tell you, Fung. Have you used these jokers before? They're acting more like a bunch of kiddies in a sandpit than a professional bank.

Is there no way you can get the fund back out of the hands of these Dutch dimwits, Fung? Could we not transfer the fund out of Thailand some other way? These duffers at the bank simply don't seem interested in processing this transaction. Can't understand it.

Get back to me, Fung. We need action, now. Otherwise I will be tempted to move forward with this Abacha chappie I was telling you about. He's extremely keen, and seems a damn sight more competent than these Amsterdam asses.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: URGENT EMAIL, FAO Peter Van Baking, Director of Payment

Sent: Sat, 01 May 2004 05:53:45 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This is to inform you that we are in receipt of your mail, also note that Friday was a Queen's day here in the Netherlands so we were having a holiday.

After going through your mail I want to apologise for the tipple graphical error regarding the date. I have informed my Director about the date you said you will be available and that date is OK by us. An appointment will be fixed for you on that date for you to be present here in our office.

Also be informed that the fee required is for the Netherlands governmental tax, customs clearance and handily charges etc. This fee is required because your funds of $30 million were brought via a diplomatic means. This fee must be paid before you can be allowed to sign the final release order document.

If this is not suitable to you, please let us know so that your funds can be returned back to the bank in Taiwan.

We want to also let you know that if you don't stop sending mails without insulting staff, we will stop attending to you and you funds will be returned back. We have dealt with clients like the Queen of your country, the President of Libya and the Queen of the Netherlands. You are not our first client. You must know that. Because you always send mails like if you send to your kids. Do send us your direct phone number as my Director, Mr Peter Van Baker, wants to speak with you on the phone. We have been trying the one with us but it is not going through.

We assure you of our professional assistance always.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: That's more like it

Sent: Sat, 01 May 2004 11:52:16

Dear Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

Thank you for your email. Just time to respond before I go away for a long weekend. That's more like it. Starting to make sense now. Holiday yesterday, was is? Well, that would explain things. Would have helped if you'd told me about it beforehand. Would have prevented my blood pressure from rising, do you see?

Anyway, thank you for explaining the charges to me. Government tax, customs clearance and handily charges, is it? Still seems rather steep to me, but I suppose that's the government's fault, not yours.

Glad to hear that Thursday is good for you. Glad to see you know how to use a calendar too. Tipple graphical errors the problem, was it? More care required on the keyboard, don't you think?

I'll look into flights to Holland when I get back from my weekend away. Will try to get a flight that gets into Amsterdam min-morning if that suits. Will you be meeting me at the airport, or will it be Van Baking himself? I'll send you my flight itinerary when I've got something booked.

Now then, I need to bring my passport for identification, and the fee. I assume cash will be acceptable? You'll want it in Euros, I assume. Shouldn't be a problem. Do I need to bring anything else? Please advise.

Now then. My phone number. You already have it. As I explained in an earlier email, the telephone company are doing some work in the area and as a result, my phone only works intermittently. Not a problem this weekend, as I won't be here anyway, but they tell us it should be sorted next week.

I will get back to you on Tuesday with my flight details. Have a pleasant weekend, my dear lady.

Auf wiedersehen.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Don't panic, Fung

Sent: Sat, 01 May 2004 11:58:36

Fung,

No need to panic, Fung. The bank's got back to me and everything is in hand. Thought I'd better let you know.

I'll be visiting the bank next Thursday to sort matters out. Should be a doddle.

Looking forward to it, actually. Might make a mini break of it. See the sights of Amsterdam. It's a while since I've been there. Definitely a city best enjoyed without the wife in tow, do you see?

Have a marvellous weekend. I'll get back to you on Monday night or Tuesday. By which time no doubt you'll have sent back my petition.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: PLEASE FINISH ALL ARRANGEMENTS WITH THE BANK IMMEDIATELY PARTNER

Sent: Sun, 02 May 2004 19:16:31 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I hope you and your families are all in good health. Partner, I have filled in your form and I gave it to my lawyer for advice. I will get it back and send it to you soon as possible. Look partner, the main thing is for you to get our fund from Holland as that is what is disturbing me for now as that fund is a very huge amount of money. I don't want to joke as I have battled to make sure we get to this final stage.

I am very happy that you will be receiving the fund this week as I was disturbed over the fund lying in the bank in Holland and you not getting a response from the officials, but now I am comfortable and relaxed as you will be receiving the fund this week. Partner, please immediately you arrive in Holland, I will like you to be very polite to the officials in charge as our fund is with them and the fund is a very huge amount of money you know.

Please at this crucial stage, please make sure you keep utmost confidentiality because you will be in possession of a very huge amount of money. As I don't want anything to happen to our fund, I don't want you to disclose your trip to anybody, because of betrayers and the safety of our fund.

Partner, make arrangements with the bank immediately and update me when you receive the fund as I will be joining you as soon as possible.

I thank you for your efforts so far which shows that you are a very reliable person and a capable man to deal with as I am sure and not disturbed over the safety of our fund as you have proved that you are a very trustworthy and serious man. Please partner, when you receive the fund, please place it safely and make sure all the investment research will be done well as I will make a good choice when I come.

I await your fast response and will like you to keep utmost confidentiality as I look forward to a successful transaction.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Everything is in hand

Sent: Mon, 03 May 2004 20:47:28

Fung,

Thank you for your email. Trust you had a good weekend. I certainly did. Fine weekend in Newquay with my England for the English chums. Marvellous time had by all. Few too many Cornish types around for my liking, but what can you do?

Like I said before, no need to worry your Thai head about anything, Fung. Everything is in hand with the bank. And don't worry about me being polite with the bank officials. As I'm sure you'll have noticed from our business dealings, I'm as polite as they come. I shall ensure I maintain my usual level of politeness in my dealings with the Dutch chappies.

Now, you say you've filled in my petition. Good show. Well done there. But why the blazes have you passed it on to your lawyer? Does he want to sign it too? If so, fair enough, but tell the Thai blighter that I need it back by Wednesday at the latest. Got it?

Will keep you in touch with developments.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: I have booked my flight

Sent: Mon, 03 May 2004 20:59:02

Dear Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

Just to let you know that I have booked my flight to Amsterdam. I will be travelling from Heathrow to Amsterdam on Thursday 6th May on flight BA0430, which arrives in Amsterdam at 10:50am. I think this is local time. Not sure to be honest though. Now, how will I recognise you or whoever else will be picking me up at the airport? Send me a picture of the chappie by return, my dear lady.

You'll be pleased to hear that I've had a capital idea regarding the fee I have to pay. Rather than travel over to Amsterdam with a suitcase full of cash, I've decided to withdraw the money from the fund when I reach your bank. Trust this is satisfactory. Far less fuss in my opinion, and far safer. What do you say?

Get back to me tomorrow. Looking forward to meeting you and Van Baking. Am going to be staying in Amsterdam for the night. Combine a bit of business and a bit of pleasure. No need to go into details, seeing as you're of the female persuasion. Sure you understand.

Auf wiedersehen.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: THANK YOU FOR THE UPDATE

Sent: Mon, 03 May 2004 18:51:34 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I thank you for the update as I am very happy with the situation of things. I will be coming to your UK next week as I expect you to receive the fund this week.

Please, immediately you receive the fund, please try to update me as I will send your form to you very soon.

Regards,

Chan

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I have booked my flight

Sent: Tue, 04 May 2004 01:08:36 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

Do note that the cost of governmental tax, customs clearance and handling charges of this payment must be paid and an official receipt obtained, before you will be allowed to endorse/sign the vital funds release document that will enable this office to transfer your inheritance claims to your nominated bank account.

That is why it very important that you come with the required amount in cash.

Also note that our Protocol Officer will meet with you at the airport and bring you to the venue for the clearance of the funds and also to enable the needful to be put together for a hitch-free delivery of your funds.

Also mail us to confirm the receipt of this mail.

Warmest regards,

Mrs Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Are you sure about this?

Sent: Tue, 04 May 2004 07:26:21

Dear Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

Are you sure about me having to take all that money along with me in cash on Thursday, when I've got $30 million sitting in your bank? Doesn't make sense to me, dear lady.

Getting my hands on the money is no problem; my RAF pension is generous, and my investments have performed well. But you know what it's like nowadays. Carrying large amounts of money around unnecessarily is a dangerous business, do you see? Who knows what could happen to me on Thursday on my way to visit you? I could bump into all sorts of nasty criminal types, eager to relieve me of my hard-earned cash. After all, you know what these foreigners are like. No offence. And I'm not getting any younger, you know. Whereas years ago I would have happily beat men off with my bare hands, I'm not as strong in the arm as I used to be, so it's not that simple.

I'm sure you can see my point of view. With that in mind, I'll do as I suggested before and withdraw the money from my fund when I get to you unless I hear otherwise.

Auf wiedersehen.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Are you sure about this? Yes

Sent: Tue, 04 May 2004 04:23:55 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This is to let you know that it is not possible for you to withdraw the required amount. It is the rules and regulations governing this office. You will be required to pay the charge before you can get the full legal right to your inheritance funds.

If you cannot come with the required amount, you can transfer the fee to their agent account before your arrival. That is the only way you can be allowed to sign the release order document.

If it cannot be done this way, I am afraid that you will not be allowed to sign the vital release document, do let this be clear to you.

Please be informed that your funds of $30 million has been insured to the real value and as such cannot be deducted, this is in accordance to the European Union monetary/financial regulations.

Be also informed that article 44, subsection 147 of Europoint Offshore Security & Finance policy does not permit deduction.

Also confirm the receipt of this mail.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Message understood, dear lady

Sent: Tue, 04 May 2004 12:04:31

Dear Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

Thank you for your email. Dashed shame that I won't be able to withdraw the fee from the fund you're holding. Makes things damn inconvenient, if you ask me.

Never mind. Needs must. I shall withdraw the fee from my savings accounts on Wednesday, ready to take to Amsterdam with me on Thursday. Had a couple of ISAs, TOSSAs and PEPs mature recently, so shouldn't be a problem. Will get myself a good, strong briefcase to hold all the money, and keep it close to my side at all times.

You say your Protocol Officer will be meeting me at the airport. Fair enough. Tell me, what's the chappie's name? And it'd help enormously if you could send me a photo of the fella, so I'll be able to recognise him in the crowd. Does he have any distinguishing features I should look out for? Eyes too close together, unusually short, that sort of thing?

Now then, what's the plan for Thursday? I'd like to get our business concluded by mid-afternoon if it all possible, giving me ample time to enjoy the delights of your marvellous city. I'm not flying back till the Friday, so can you recommend any decent hotels? Preferably something not too far away from the docks, but with a decent standard of accommodation. I'll not stay just anywhere, do you see?

Looking forward tremendously to concluding our business on Thursday. If all goes well, there may well be a drink in it for you, my dear lady.

Auf wiedersehen.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Offer of accommodation

Sent: Tue, 04 May 2004 12:05:58

Fung,

Thank you for your email. You say you're coming over to England next week to get hold of your share of the fund and discuss how best to invest it, eh? Marvellous. Good show. Looking forward to meeting you immensely, my dear chap.

We ought to start thinking about arrangements. Can't have you flying over all the way from Thailand, only to find that I'm away with the wife on an England for the English rally somewhere or other. That simply wouldn't do at all. What day are you planning to arrive, Fung?

Now you may have other plans, but I'd like to show my appreciation to you for getting me involved in this whole thing. Thanks to you, I'm going to be a very rich man by the end of the week. Got to show my gratitude in some way. With this in mind, I'd be honoured if you would stay with Mrs Murray and I while you're over in this country. I'd like to show you the finest of Lincolnshire hospitality, Fung.

Hemlock Cottage itself is only small, but we have a 10 foot caravan at the end of the garden that we could make ready for you in no time. Give it a bit of an airing, shoo out the dog, shake out the bedclothes and it'll be as good as new. Of course, you'll be able to join Mrs Murray and I for meals in the cottage. She's a fine cook, my wife, I can tell you, Fung. She does things with giblets that'll make your head spin.

What do you say, Fung? Let me know your itinerary and I'll pick you up from the airport too if you like. I'm sure we'll get on famously, you and I. You sound like my kind of chap.

Now then. Investments. I picked a cracking little company out of the FT this morning. One to watch, if you ask me. It's called Yes Minister. They produce clothing for the clergy. Our local vicar at Saint Bodkin's orders all of his cassocks from them. The FT interviewed Humphrey Appleby, the head of the company, and he reckons they're on the verge of signing a major new contract with the Church of England to provide clothing for all its vicars. Bit of a wordy chap, Appleby, if you ask me, but he knows what he's doing. Another one for our portfolio, eh, Fung?

Got to go. Get that petition back to me pronto, do you hear? I need it tomorrow at the latest.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: YOU ARE LIKE A BROTHER AND A FRIEND TO ME NOW

Sent: Tue, 04 May 2004 15:17:38 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

I thank you for your mail and hope you and your families are all in good health. Please partner, I will like you to finalise all arrangements with the bank as soon as possible as I expect you to receive the fund this week. Please, immediately you receive the fund, try to update me immediately so that I can perfect all arrangements to come to the UK.

Please, you must promise to be very polite when you arrive in Holland and try to be friendly with the officials because our fund is with this bank and it is a very huge amount of money. I don't want to joke, as I told you I have many commitments to settle with my share and I want to invest part as I told you before, as all my hope lies in that fund.

I will send your petition to you as I want you to finish all arrangements with the bank as soon as possible and update me when you come back from Holland.

I thank you for your offer of accommodation which shows that you are a nice and accommodative man. I am very happy that I am dealing with a reliable and trustworthy man, as that is the best thing that I have come across.

I await your response and update when you receive the fund.

Regards,

Chan

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Message understood, dear lady

Sent: Wed, 05 May 2004 04:48:32 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This to inform you that the Protocol Officer will meet with you at the airport in the arrivals hall. You can identify him by the card with your name written on it. You will find him in the arrivals hall.

Also note that you must come with the required fee in cash or else they will not attend to you because it is the law here.

Do confirm the receipt of this mail, by replying to this mail.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Arrangements for tomorrow

Sent: Wed, 05 May 2004 12:11:58

Dear Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

Thank you for your email. I'm writing to you now to confirm our arrangements for tomorrow.

I've withdrawn the money I need from the bank, and I've bought a sturdy briefcase to carry it in, so that's all sorted. I'll be arriving in Amsterdam tomorrow on flight BA0430 at 10:50am. I'll look out for your man in Arrivals. Shame you haven't sent me his photo like I asked you to. Makes things slightly more difficult tomorrow, but never mind. We'll just have to cope.

Have your man stand there holding his placard high over his head with "Wing Commander Gilbert Murray" written on it. Make sure it's written in large, clear type so I can see it, do you hear? The old eyes aren't quite what they used to be, more's the pity. I don't want to have to run around all the johnnies in Arrivals squinting at their poorly-scrawled cards. For ease of identification, I shall be wearing a dark business suit with highly-polished black shoes, a white shirt and a dark tie. Your man will also be able to pick me out of the crowd by my military bearing. Shoulders back, chest out, that's the ticket.

I trust your man has a good grasp of English? Is this the same man that you sent to collect the Queen and the President of Libya from the airport when you did business with them? If so, he should be quite suitable.

Kindly confirm that you've received this email and that my understanding of arrangements is correct.

I look forward to meeting you and Van Baking tomorrow, my dear lady.

Auf wiedersehen.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: I shall have Mrs Murray prepare the caravan

Sent: Wed, 05 May 2004 12:14:04

Fung,

Glad to hear you'll be accepting my offer of accommodation when you come over to England next week. I shall get Mrs Murray to prepare the caravan in readiness for your arrival. Bit of bleach and some good old elbow grease and it'll be a caravan fit for a king, you'll see. Take it you'll be alright with the chemical toilet, Fung? I can show you how to empty it when you get here. Plenty of disinfectant and the thing hardly smells at all. Expect you'll be used to substandard lavatorial arrangements, though. From what I can remember, most of the toilets I came across in Thailand were in a dreadful state.

Nipped into town this morning and withdrew the money I need for the Dutch bank's fees. Bought myself a good strong lockable briefcase too, so I'm all prepared for tomorrow. I've emailed the bank and finalised our arrangements. Apparently they're sending some Johnny to meet me at the airport. Damn decent of them. Good show.

Now then, you want me to be polite to these Dutch chappies tomorrow. Not a problem. One of the few things I learned during my time at Eton was how to treat my subordinates properly. I'm sure we'll get on like a house on fire, so long as they show me the right amount of respect. Don't suffer fools gladly, do you see? Never have done, never will do. Thought these Dutch bankers were a bunch of fools at first, but I'm pleased to say that they've upped their game and proved me wrong.

I'll have to take you along to the golf club when you're over here next week, Fung. Introduce you to the chaps. Can't wait to tell them about my stroke of luck. They'll be fascinated to meet you. There's good old CJ, Reggie Perrin, Terry and June Medford and Frank Spencer. Marvellous bunch of people. Must arrange to get together for a round or two of golf. I'm sure you'll make a decent enough caddy, Fung.

Now then, must go. I'll keep you abreast of the situation tomorrow.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Where's that damn petition? All very well calling me a brother and all that, but one thing brothers do for each other is send back each others' petitions when they're asked. Get it back to me at once, do you hear?

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Arrangements for tomorrow

Sent: Wed, 05 May 2004 13:28:42 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This is to confirm to you that we are in receipt of your mail. Also note that you have nothing to worry about, the Protocol Officer can locate you easily, and you don't have to worry about that.

We look forward to meeting with you tomorrow.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Where the hell is your man?

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 10:55:52

Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

I am writing this email using some new-fangled multimedia telephone device in Schiphol airport. It took me an age to work out how to use the damn thing, so I hope this gets to you.

Where the hell is your man? My flight landed roughly fifteen minutes late, but I passed straight through Customs without any delays and I expected to find your Protocol Officer waiting for me in Arrivals. But the damn fella was nowhere to be seen. I had a good look round, but I could see nobody holding up a placard with my name on it. What on earth is going on? I can only assume that the fella has been held up for some reason. Perhaps his car has broken down? Or maybe he just couldn't be bothered to get out of bed in time to meet me. Whatever the reason, this simply won't do. I can't abide lateness.

I am about to get myself a taxi and make my way to a suitable hotel in town. I'm sure Johnny Taxi Driver will be able to recommend somewhere suitable. I'll contact you when I've checked in and let you know where I am staying. Once I've done this, I suggest you send a man to collect me from the hotel, so that we can still conduct our business today.

I am not accustomed to being messed around like this, my dear lady. Kindly get your house in order so that we may conclude our business this afternoon without any more cock-ups.

This is most shoddy, do you hear? It just won't do. Reply to this email at once.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: I have booked myself into a hotel

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 12:06:49

Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

After this morning's debacle at Schiphol airport, I have now booked myself into the NH Schiller hotel on Rembrandtplein. Looks like a decent enough hotel, with a respectable clientele, which is more than you can say for a lot of so-called "hotels" in this damn city, most of which seem to let out rooms by the hour with maid service thrown in, from what I can see.

Send your man to pick me up at once, so that we can still conclude our business today. I feel damn uncomfortable, sitting around here with such a large amount of money in my briefcase, and am keen to get it off my hands and into your safekeeping as soon as possible.

Respond at once and let me know what time I can expect the fella. If you let me know what time he'll be arriving, I'll make sure I'm waiting in the hotel lounge ready for him.

All this carry on is doing nothing for my blood pressure, I can tell you.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: This damn Dutch bank is messing me about

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 12:08:36

Fung,

Sorry to say that this damn Dutch bank is messing me about. I turned up at the airport in good time, only to find that they hadn't sent anybody to meet me!

I don't know what kind of damn fool game they're playing, but it's making my blood boil, do you hear? I've put a lot of time and effort into this damn business and now I'm being messed around by a bunch of Dutch dimwits. It won't do, Fung, it simply won't do.

I've booked myself into the NH Schiller hotel on Rembrandtplein and am now waiting for the bloody bank to send someone to pick me up from there. I'm waiting for an email back from this Gore woman to confirm what time their goon will show up.

This is most distressing. Wouldn't have put up with goings-on like this in the RAF, I can tell you.

Hopefully this Gore female will get back to me pronto and we can get this business over and done with today. I'll let you know Fung.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Where the hell is your man?

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 07:10:10 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This is to let you that the Protocol Officer was there late. Do let us know the hotel you check into so that they can come there to pick you up and bring you directly to the office, so that we can get this concluded today.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I have booked myself into a hotel

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 07:18:01 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

Please send us the room number and your telephone number so that they can pick you up in time.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: So, he was late, was he?

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 12:20:10

Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

Our emails seem to have crossed in the post, as it were.

Late, was he, eh? Sloppy, damn sloppy, if you ask me. You've some ground to make up now in my book.

Cleanliness is next to godliness, I'm sure you know that. Well punctuality is next on the list as far as I'm concerned.

Well, presuming you've received my last email, you know the name of the hotel I've booked myself into. Trust you don't need me to draw you a damn map to find the place. I'm just about to avail myself of a spot of lunch at the Brasserie Schiller. Looks rather good. What time can I expect your man? I'll be waiting in the lobby in one hour's time.

Make sure he wears a damn watch this time, dear lady.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: So, he was late, was he?

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 08:12:35 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

Do furnish us with the room number and the hotel number so that they can pick you up in time, because we have scheduled again for today to get everything concluded.

Do reply immediately.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: I am waiting, for God's sake

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 13:51:41

Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

I have now finished my lunch and have just received your email.

For God's sake, woman, I told you before, I'm not waiting in my room; I am waiting in the hotel lounge for your man.

Send him to pick me up immediately. Immediately, do you hear?

This is ridiculous. I've not come across such a display of incompetence since Tufty Bufton ordered his men to bomb their own runway by mistake.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I am waiting, for God's sake

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 09:54:32 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This to inform you that the Protocol Officer was there to pick you up, but the hotel secretary was not able to find you in any of the rooms. They told the officer that there is nobody like that in any of the rooms, so we urge you as a matter of urgency to send us your mobile number or the hotel number.

If you cannot do that in a few minutes, your appointment will be terminated for today until next week.

The only way to pick you up now is to send us your hotel room number and hotel telephone number, so that we can pick you up as soon as possible.

We wait your immediate response.

Please note that if we cannot get the required information from you, I am afraid that your appointment will be terminated and extended till next week, or two weeks' time.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Send the hotel number and room number as soon as possible

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 09:58:00 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

Also note that the Director and Order Officer are waiting at the office to attend to you.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: What the blazes are you on about, woman?

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 15:16:02

Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

What the blazes are you on about woman? What do you mean, telling me that the Protocol Officer was there to pick me up, but the hotel secretary couldn't find me?

Goats and monkeys, woman, how difficult can it possibly be to collect a man from a hotel lounge? What kind of incompetent imbeciles do you employ at your so-called "bank"? Has this so-called "Protocol Officer" turned his brain on today? Eh? Did he even go to the correct hotel? This is beyond belief.

You ask for my telephone number. I do not own a mobile telephone. As for the hotel telephone number, do I have to do everything for you? Pick up a bloody telephone book and look it up yourself, for God's sake. Are you helpless or something?

When you get through to the hotel, ask the charming young lady on reception to fetch me from the hotel lounge, where I will be sitting reading the Financial Times, trying to calm down after the runaround you have given me today.

I have never dealt with such a bunch of incompetent buffoons in all my life. I have come across more intelligent forms of life when studying my handkerchief after blowing my nose.

I am giving you one last chance, Ms Gore. Get your act together and contact me at the hotel, or you can forget this entire business. I have better things to do with my time than play games with you people.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: What the blazes are you on about, woman?

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 10:44:06 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

This is to let you know that my Director is waiting at the office for you. You can call him from your hotel to know that the Protocol Officer was there. Mr Peter Van Baker's telephone number is +31-626-322-273.

We await your response.

Best regards,

Pamela Gore

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: Come and collect me from the hotel IMMEDIATELY or wave goodbye to me and my money

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 15:53:38

Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

I have had enough of your pathetic excuses. This is now beyond a joke. I have been sitting in this bloody hotel lounge for hours now, waiting for you to telephone me or for your goon to show up. I thought I saw him a short while ago, when a short, scruffy, sweaty fella dressed in a cheap nylon suit shambled into the lounge, but he turned out to be a passing vagrant, and the hotel staff kicked him out onto the street.

I have had enough of your so-called "bank" and its incompetent bungling. There is only so much a man can take. I have always had a short fuse and I am now coming close to the end of my tether. I've taken part in more professional business transactions with the men on the street selling newspapers.

I have to tell you, I have been chatting to a damn interesting fella while I've been waiting for your stumblebum to show up, name of Philip Adaba. He tells me he's the lawyer of the wife of the ex-President of Liberia or somewhere like that. Anyway, he's looking for help getting some of her husband's millions out of the country. Sounds like it could be a profitable wheeze, and I'm seriously interested. I've got all the money I would need for his proposition right here in my briefcase, thanks to your interminable cock-ups.

Right, I'll lay it on the line for you. Either you send your so-called "Protocol Officer" back to the hotel immediately to pick me up, so that we can conclude our business today, or I am going to forget this entire business and accept Adaba's more than generous offer.

It is up to you, Ms Gore. Either send your man back to get me IMMEDIATELY, or you can wave goodbye to me and my money.

Get back to me by return and let me have your answer. I am waiting.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Come and collect me from the hotel IMMEDIATELY or wave goodbye to me and my money

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 11:30:08 -0400

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray,

You must be a liar.

We have just spoken with the hotel authority. After checking all their rooms, we finally found out that you are a liar. This is the number of the hotel: 020-5540800. The officer who was to pick you up is now there. There is nobody like you, liar.

For that we wish to inform you that your appointment has been terminated.

Truly yours,

Pamela

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Europoint Offshore Security Finance

Subject: You leave me with no alternative

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 16:44:47

Ms Gore,

Guten tag.

I have just received your astonishingly rude email. Your half-witted "Protocol Officer" must have gone to the wrong hotel. And how dare you call me a liar? I've never been so insulted in my life. Have you no manners, Ms Gore?

You have now left me with no choice but to move forward with this Adaba chappie's proposal.

You should be ashamed of yourself, Madam. You have done nothing but waste my time over the past few weeks. I've never come across such a bunch of idiots in all my life.

I am now going to place my briefcase in the hotel safe, and make the most of this abortive trip to Amsterdam by enjoying a night out on the town. I am sure I will be able to find a pliant young lady or two to help take my mind off the bumbling stupidity of you and your colleagues that has caused me so much grief today.

May I suggest to you, dear lady, that running a "bank" may be too mentally taxing an occupation for you, Van Baking and the other dullards in your office? I would suggest you find yourselves a profession more suited to your obviously limited mental capacities. Sweeping the streets. Selling matches. That sort of thing.

Auf wiedersehen.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Sorry Fung, but these Dutch duffers have fouled everything up

Sent: Thu, 06 May 2004 16:46:09

Fung,

I have had the most unbelievable day. Those Netherland nincompoops have done nothing but give me the runaround all day. First off all they tell me they'll pick me up at the airport, and they don't show. Then they tell me they'll pick me up at the hotel, and they don't show. And all the while I've been left sitting here like a bloody lemon, waiting for their damn fool of a so-called "Protocol Officer" to show up. And then they send him to the wrong bloody hotel, and blame me for not bloody being there. Unbelievable.

I've never been treated so shamefully in my bloody life, Fung. I travel all the way to bloody Amsterdam to meet up with these people and they show all the intelligence and initiative of a damp sponge.

Well, I'm afraid they've left me with no choice. I've been chatting to a damn decent fella called Adaba while waiting here in my hotel. He's told me about some marvellous wheeze involving getting a heap of money out of Liberia. Sounds damn profitable. Well, I warned them, Fung. I warned them that if they didn't show their miserable faces and pick me up today I would have to forget this entire business and move forward with this Adaba chappie's proposal.

Since the bank has shown no inclination whatsoever to co-operate, that's precisely what I'm going to do, Fung. Sorry to leave you in the lurch, Fung, but the damn bank has left me with no choice. I've had enough of this wild goose chase. I'm going to contact this Adaba first thing tomorrow morning and give him the go-ahead.

For now, I'm going to try and salvage what I can out of this disastrous trip to Amsterdam. I'm off out for a night on the town, with all that entails. Sure you get my drift, Fung. Should help me take my mind off things.

Foreigners, Fung. Never trust 'em. There's a tip for you.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: Where's that damn petition?

Sent: Fri, 07 May 2004 07:01:30

Fung,

Where's that damn petition? Send it back immediately, do you hear?

Even though the damn bank has messed up our transaction, I thought we were brothers and all that.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Will you still be requiring the caravan next week? Let me know, old chap. I'll have to dig the chemical toilet out of the loft if you're still intending to visit.

From: Chan Fung

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOUR CORRESPONDENCE

Sent: Fri, 07 May 2004 04:12:12 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert,

I am talking about $30,000,000.00, and you are telling me about your petition. Look, I am very disappointed in your correspondence and your activities. I told you to finalise arrangements with the bank before you travelled. Why didn't you finalise all arrangements, and why didn't you call the bank? I thought you were capable of handling this transaction. Now I don't understand what is happening.

When you got to your hotel, why didn't you call the bank to come and pick you up at the hotel?

I don't understand what is happening, but I think you sound not straightforward which is very bad, and I don't like dealing with unstraightforward people.

You were supposed to call the bank when you got to Holland and tell them to pick you up. Please, if you cannot do this, please tell the bank to return the fund back to Taiwan as I don't want anything to slow me down as time is of a great essence to this transaction.

Regards,

Chan

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: What happened yesterday

Sent: Fri, 07 May 2004 17:18:42

Fung,

I have just returned from Amsterdam and I am in receipt of your rather over-familiar email. Don't forget to address me properly, there's a good chap. Now then, you seem to be in some confusion over what happened yesterday. Well let me put you straight.

I arrived in Amsterdam as planned, having arranged with the so-called "bank" that their so-called "Protocol Officer" would meet me in Arrivals. The useless idiot never showed up! I contacted the bank and informed them that I was going straight to a hotel, and that they should send their goon to pick me up from there. They got back to me with some damn fool excuse about the Johnny being late or something. Pathetic.

Well, I sat in the hotel lounge, as arranged, and waited for this Dutch dimwit to show up. And he didn't turn up! I contacted the bank on numerous occasions, telling them to get their act together and send their man to get me, but all I got back from them was bloody smoke and mirrors. I reckon they sent the imbecile to the wrong hotel. He certainly didn't show up here.

In the end, having sat on my backside all afternoon in the damn hotel, there was nothing for it but to cut my losses. The bank then got in touch, blamed me for their bungling, and bloody well insulted me! Can you believe it? Damn poor show, Fung. Damn poor. I mean, how difficult can it be to pick up a man from a hotel, Fung?

Well, after that, I headed off for a night on the town, and by god Fung, it was a hell of a night. Met a woman who did things with ping-pong balls that'd make your eyes pop out. Actually, that's precisely what the ping-pong balls did. Haven't mentioned any of this to the wife, needless to say. This morning, I got up, made my way back to the airport, and headed back to Blighty.

Well, Fung, what do we do now? Where do we go from here? Is there any way we can get that fund out of Thailand without involving this useless bank? As far as I can see, they've done nothing but foul things up from start to finish. And they've wasted a serious amount of my time in the process.

Incidentally, Fung, I'm as straightforward as they come. If you ask me, it's this damn bank that's been messing us around, and I can't think why the hell they'd want to do that. Something dodgy about them if you ask me, Fung.

Get back to me if you can think of another way for us to do this, Fung. I don't want to give up on this transaction if I can possibly help it. I've invested too much of my damn time in it to pull out now.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Chan Fung

Subject: That's it, Fung. I've had enough

Sent: Sun, 09 May 2004 12:06:21

Fung,

That's it, Fung. I've had enough of that so-called "bank" and of your failure to respond to emails. I have no choice but to move forward with the alternative proposal that was put forward by that nice Mr Adaba I met in the hotel lounge in Amsterdam.

I'm sure there was something deeply dodgy about that bank, Fung. Nobody in the banking world can be that incompetent. Wouldn't be surprised if they turned out to be a bunch of fraudsters, trying to take us both for all they could get.

Take some advice from me, Fung. Choose your business partners more carefully. Could turn out to be deeply embarrassing for you otherwise.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. You never did send back that petition. Damn shoddy of you.