Thought we were making some progress yesterday when Ding sent me a power of attorney. However, on closer inspection, the damn document's invalid. It's got two dates on it, and there's no way the thing would stand up in a court of law. There's no way that Basil fella over in Spain will accept that document as proof of anything, so I've instructed Ding to get me another power of attorney. And a valid one this time. Not heard anything back from him yet. Damn shoddy if you ask me.

What the hell is the man playing at? I've seen clowns at the bloody circus who would make better lawyers than Ding. The man's a fool if you ask me. Can't understand how he ever got his bloody law degree.

Be a love. See if you can get Ding to hurry up with getting me another power of attorney. The more we put pressure on the man, the more likely he is to do his damn job properly for once.

Get back to me and let me know how you get on, there's a dear.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Where the hell's this bloody document, eh?

Sent: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 08:29:37

Ding,

Where the hell's this bloody document, eh? Wake up and start doing your damn job properly for once man. I've never come across such damn shoddy service in all my life. This isn't what I'm paying you for, for God's sake.

Get back to me immediately and let me know when you'll be sending me a valid power of attorney. I won't stand for your unprofessional attitude, do you hear me? You're trying my damn patience to the limit, man.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Expect the document on Monday

Sent: Fri, 01 Apr 2005 15:15:06 -0500

Attn: Mr Gilbert Murray,

Sir,

We regret the mistake. It was an error of oversight. The secretary had adopted a standard format, which was presented to the HIGH COURT. The urgency and instruction that I had left must have been the reason for this mistake.

We are happy that you noticed this mistake and called our attention to it, otherwise it would have been damaging to the transaction.

We presented the matter to the HIGH COURT registrar today this afternoon, and he has promised to attend to the case first thing by Monday. Which means that as early as 8am Nigerian time the corrected copy of the POWER OF ATTORNEY will be sent to you, and hopefully you can then forward the same to Spain.

We sincerely apologise for any inconveniences this impetuous mistake would have caused your humble person. It will never happen again.

Yours faithfully,

Abdulkarim Dieng (Esq)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: That bloody document had better be in my hands on Monday

Sent: Sat, 02 Apr 2005 08:43:41

Ding,

I'll bet you're happy I noticed that damn mistake and called your attention to it. What's worrying me is why the hell you didn't notice it yourself. This whole transaction could have gone to hell in a handcart if it wasn't for my sharp eyes. But it shouldn't be up to me to notice things like that; you're supposed to be the bloody lawyer, not me.

Now make sure there are no further mistakes in this damn business. I want you to check the next document thoroughly before you send it to me. There must be no errors of any kind whatsoever, do you hear? After all, we don't want that Basil chappie thinking we're a bunch of rank amateurs, do we?

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Mariam Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Dieng told me

Sent: Sat, 02 Apr 2005 05:41:11 -0800 (PST)

Dearest Gilbert,

How are you doing today? I am glad to hear from you. I feel so much ashamed when I got the news of the unreasonable mistake in the document he sent to you. Although it was not his fault, but that of the court clerk/secretary, but he should have found out the mistake before sending it out.

Anyway, I have told him and he said it will be sorted on Monday. The court has been notified of the mistake. Please bear with us.

I will pressurise him to make sure it is sent on Monday.

Lots of love,

Mimi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Mariam Wada Nas

Subject: I hope Ding manages to get his damn act together for once

Sent: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 08:44:04

Dear lady,

Good to hear from you after all this time. I hope Ding manages to get his damn act together for once. This bloody transaction is taking far too long for my liking. I can tell you now, if we'd have had Welsby dealing with the legal side of things instead of that cretin Ding, you would have been snugly tucked up in my damn caravan on the other side of the village by now. Ding has a lot to answer for, do you hear?

This transaction's threatening to interfere with the preparations I'm making for the annual England for the English conference which takes place next week. Lots for me to do, I can tell you. We're holding it in Merthyr Tydfil this year, and it promises to be a damn fine event, I can tell you. Seamus McFadden, our Events Secretary, has arranged for some bloody good entertainment to keep us amused in the evenings. We've got performances by Frank Carson, Billy Connolly, Max Boyce and some fella called Jethro to look forward to. Bloody marvellous.

I'll be putting forward a motion at the conference proposing a ban on the sale of Cornish pasties from all shops in England. Sets a bad example, having all this foreign food taking up space on the shelves, do you see? Less space for good old English foods like pork pies and stilton bloody cheese. Anyway, I'll be suggesting that we start a new petition. Should be able to get quite a bit of support for the idea, I think. I've managed to persuade the Secretary of our Redruth branch, Richard Trevithick, to second the motion.

Anyway, must get back to it. Let's hope Ding gets this damn document to be today. And let's hope there are no bloody mistakes in it this time.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Has Dieng resent the damn document?

Sent: Mon, 04 Apr 2005 15:59:55 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

How are you doing today? I write to verify if Dieng has sorted out the mistake with the court. I mean if he has resent the document to you.

I am back to the campus as the Easter break is over.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: No, he hasn't sent me the bloody document

Sent: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 08:19:25

Wada Nas,

In answer to your question, no, Ding hasn't sent me the bloody document. What the hell is wrong with that man? Has he got a damn sponge for a brain or something?

First of all he sends me a power of attorney with two bloody dates on it, which looked as if it had been knocked up by a damn two year old playing about on their parents' computer. Then he promises to get a revised document to me by yesterday, and nothing happens.

This won't do, Wada Nas, do you hear? It just won't bloody do.

I'll tell you what to do. You get on the phone, call Ding and give him a piece of your bloody mind. Tell him to buck his ideas up, pull his socks up, and start acting like a bloody lawyer for once. Tell him to get the document to me today, or else.

Your mother won't be pleased at all these damn delays, I can tell you now.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Where's that bloody document?

Sent: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 08:25:58

Ding,

Where's that bloody document, man? You promised to get it to me yesterday, but I didn't hear a word from you.

I'm warning you. I'm not prepared to tolerate this slapdash behaviour of yours any longer. Get a grip on yourself, for God's sake, and get me the document today without fail.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Abdulakarime Dieng

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The power of attorney

Sent: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 01:33:19 -0700

The second power of attorney
(Click to enlarge)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: He told me he has

Sent: Tue, 05 Apr 2005 13:19:03 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

I called Dieng on the phone and he told me that the document has been sent to you.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Abdulakarime Dieng

Subject: Better late than never

Sent: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 08:43:09

Ding,

At last! You've managed to get a decent document to me! Well done, man. Better late than never. I expect you got someone else to check it over for you before you sent it.

I must say, it does seem a bit damn sloppy when it comes to the capitalisation of letters, but that's obviously not your strong point. Do you have a strong point, by the way? If so, you must let me know what it is. I'm curious.

Anyway, I'll get the document straight on to this Basil chappie in Spain and see what can be done.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: I've just received the document

Sent: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 08:52:38

Wada Nas,

You're right. I've just received the document from Ding, and although it's far from perfect, it should at least stand up in a court of law, and that's the main thing.

I'm going to send it on to that Basil fella in Spain so we can make some progress. Won't be able to do that till tomorrow though; I'm just about to head off into town. The England for the English campaign are holding a demonstration outside the local branch of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill. We're trying to get it shut down. Can't have the damn Celts coming down here and diluting our essential Englishness with their Arran sweaters, their tartan scarves and their all-butter bloody shortbread.

Anyway, I'll get this document to Basil as soon as I can. It looks like we're finally making some progress, little fella! Do pass the good news onto your mother, won't you?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks

Sent: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 06:02:56 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

I am very glad you finally received it. I believe we are making progress. The ball is now in your court and I really trust your capability of leading us to the promised land.

My mummy sends her regards.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: I'll lead you to the promised land alright

Sent: Wed, 06 Apr 2005 17:28:12

Wada Nas,

You're damn right when you say that the ball's now in my court. I share your confidence that we're now making some progress. Now that we've got that cretin Ding out of the way, this whole bloody affair should run much more smoothly.

And don't worry, Wada Nas. I'll lead you to the promised land alright. The promised land being, of course, a ten foot caravan parked up in a field at the other end of the village. I can tell you, it'll make a perfectly serviceable lovenest for me and your mother. You and her might get mistaken for gypsies every now and again, but I shouldn't worry about that. It's many a long year since the locals burned out those travellers' caravans that were parked up on the bank of the River Scrote. Doubt the same thing would happen again.

You'll be pleased to hear that today's demonstration went damn well. A good number of us from the England for the English campaign turned up outside the Edinburgh Woollen Mill, and we successfully prevented any customers from entering the damn place for almost an hour, until the police arrived. Anyway, we made our point peacefully - only a couple of windows got smashed, and a mere six people were taken to hospital - so that's the main thing. No doubt the owners of the shop will think twice now before defiling our fine English soil with their Scottish rubbish.

Talking of the campaign, your mother might have told you that it's the annual England for the English conference next week. It'll take up all my time next week unfortunately. Can't be helped. Busy man, do you see?

Anyway, I'll see what I can do about getting this document to that Basil chappie before I head off for the conference. Then hopefully I'll be able to travel to Spain when I get back and get everything nicely tied up.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Power of attorney attached

Sent: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 09:12:37

Basil,

Ciao.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here again. I'm pleased to say that my useless Nigerian lawyer has finally managed to get his hands on a power of attorney for me which proves that I'm the bonafide beneficiary of this damn consignment you're holding. I've attached it to this email.

So Basil, where do we go from here? I assume you'll be wanting me to make arrangements to travel over to Spain to pick it up. Good show. Let me know.

Now then, there's one thing I must tell you. I'll not be available next week. Got some conference or other to go to. All very important. Can't be helped, do you see? So as from tomorrow afternoon I won't be contactable for a week. Never mind. You tell me what our next step is, and as soon as I get back from the damn conference I'll be back in touch and we can touch base and make the necessary arrangements.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

The second power of attorney
(Click to enlarge)

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 06:22:56 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

I have taken note of your mail. I shall await your return from your trip before we proceed. Just email me confirming your return.

Have a nice and safe trip.

Thanks,

John Basil

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Updates appreciated

Sent: Thu, 07 Apr 2005 16:01:58 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

Thank you so very much for the update. I will await your response on the next step as soon as Mr Basil details you on the arrangements. I can't wait to see this transaction completed.

I know that very soon, I will wave goodbye to this horrible environment and its wicked rulers. My confidence in you is strong and I know God has destined it to be so.

Please, take your time and represent your people well in the forthcoming conference.

Thank you.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: How are you sir?

Sent: Sun, 10 Apr 2005 09:32:35 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

How are you doing today and how is the conference going? Hope it was successful so far. Anyway, I hope to join the England for the English campaign as soon as I arrive in England. I hope I will be welcomed. Do take care of yourself.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Update

Sent: Fri, 15 Apr 2005 12:40:31 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

How are you doing today? Have not heard from you for while now, hope all is well. Anyway, I write to know what is happening with the transaction. Are you through with the England for the English conference? Get back to me soon.

Ahmed

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: What is happening sir!

Sent: Mon, 18 Apr 2005 03:47:52 -0700 (PDT)

Sir,

What is really happening? You hardly return my email this time around. Hope all is well with you. Please get back to me immediately.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Good God, man, get a bloody grip on yourself!

Sent: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 10:26:27

Wada Nas,

Good God, man, get a bloody grip on yourself! I haven't answered your increasingly frantic series of emails because I've been busy at my damn conference. I told you I wouldn't be back until today, for God's sake. Now calm down little man. Everything's going to be alright, do you hear?

Damn good conference it was too, I can tell you. The conference passed my motion proposing a bad on the sale of cornish pasties unanimously. Damn good show! There'll be another petition coming your way in the next couple of days: we're getting them printed up right now by the printer we always use: some outfit called the Polperro Press. I'll send one onto you as soon as I get my hands on one. Trust you and your little friends will fill it in for me like you did the last one, eh?

You mentioned that you wanted to join the England for the English campaign when you move over here. Not sure what the membership committee would make of your application to tell the truth, given that you weren't born in the country, but I could always put in a good word for you. That might do the trick, as long as we can prove that you've got no damn Celtic blood in you, do you see? I for one would be glad to have you on board. Useful to have someone around to lick stamps and stuff envelopes, do you see?

Anyway, I've got some things to get in order now that I'm back from the conference. I'll get in touch with that Basil chappie as soon as I can and see if I can arrange a visit to Spain to finish off this damn transaction. I'll let you know how I get on.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: It will be my utmost pleasure joining the campaign

Sent: Tue, 19 Apr 2005 10:38:11 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

I am glad to hear from you today. Also, I must say that I am overwhelmed by your comment on me joining the England for the English campaign when I finally arrive in the United Kingdom. It will be my pleasure to join the campaign. I called my mother on the phone today and informed her that you are back from the conference and she was so happy.

I am seriously looking forward to the conclusion of this transaction soon so that we could come over to England before the UK election.

Thank you sir for being there for us.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Wing Commander Murray reporting for duty

Sent: Wed, 20 Apr 2005 10:12:37

Basil,

Ciao.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray here again, back from my conference and reporting for duty.

If you remember, I've got to travel over to Spain to finalise things regarding this damn consignment that you're holding, and to pick it up.

So Basil, let me know what days would be good for you, and I'll see what I can do about arranging a flight over to Spain as soon as I can.

Looking forward to meeting you.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: That damn petition I was telling you about

Sent: Wed, 20 Apr 2005 11:21:41

Wada Nas,

Here's that damn petition I was telling you about. Just got a load of 'em from the damn postman, fresh from the printers.

Be a good lad. Do the same with this one as you did with the last one. Fill it in, get as many of your little chums to fill it in too, and get it back to me as quick as you can, do you hear? I'll expect to get it back from you by the end of the week.

Give my regards to your mother. How's her interior decorating going, by the way?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

Gilbert's second petition
(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Kindly attend to the business at hand

Sent: Thu, 21 Apr 2005 14:26:41

Basil,

Ciao.

Disappointed not to have had a reply to the email I sent you yesterday regarding this damn consignment of mine that you're holding.

Now that my useless Nigerian lawyer is out of the picture, I'm keen to get things moving, do you see? He managed to delay this whole damn thing for far too long. No time to waste now. Time and tide wait for no man, do you hear? Even in Spain.

Be a good man. Put down your castanets and attend to the business at hand. We have plans to make. Let's have no shilly-shallying.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Info

Sent: Thu, 21 Apr 2005 11:34:46 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Murray,

Thanks for your mail. You are very much welcome to Spain at your own time but one thing should be noted. We cannot attend to you without compliance to the accrued fees on the consignment. This is in line with our monetary policy. So be prepared while coming and never you forget to give us your flight schedule to enable us to book you for an immediate appointment on arrival.

Good luck,

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: Whereabouts in Spain are you?

Sent: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 09:19:25

Basil,

Ciao.

Glad to have got a response out of you. Pleased to hear that you're all prepared for me to travel to Spain to pick up this damn consignment.

Now then. Don't worry your head about any fees. Ding, that useless Nigerian lawyer I was telling you about, told me there'd be something to pay when I got to Spain. Not a problem. Just let me know how much I need to bring along with me and I'll sort it out.

I don't suppose you accept good old English Pounds Sterling do you? Dislike changing money into that damn Euro nonsense if I can possibly avoid it. Nothing but bloody monopoly money if you ask me. Lacks a certain something, not having the Queen's head on the notes, do you see? Still, you European types seem to get along alright with them. Probably don't know any better. Well, let me know.

One more thing. How do you expect me to book a flight to Spain when you haven't even told me whereabouts in Spain you're based? Spain's a big country, you know. Can't just book a flight anywhere, do you see? Don't want to end up in some back of beyond hellhole like Zaragoza only to find that you're actually based in bloody Benidorm or somewhere. Send me your address by return and I'll look into flights.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Where's that damn petition?

Sent: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 09:21:53

Wada Nas,

Where's that damn petition I sent you, eh? Get it back to me on the double, there's a good boy.

Quick update on this Spanish affair. That Basil chappie finally got back to me and we're now in the process of arranging for me to travel over to Spain to sort things out. You pass that onto your mother, will you?

So, little fella, nothing to worry about. Everything's in hand. All you need to do is to get that damn petition back to me immediately, do you hear? If you're wanting to join the England for the English campaign, now's your chance to show us what you're made of.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Info

Sent: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 02:48:02 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Commander Gilbert Murray,

Thanks for your mail. I will be in contact with our administrative department for the accurate fees and I will notify you.

Meanwhile, we are located at B WING CARGO UNIT SUITE 222 AROPOTO BHARAJAS MADRID.

In case you did not locate us, kindly check into your hotel and call me so we can detail our officers to come and meet with you.

Thank you,

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: Any chance you could meet me at the airport?

Sent: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 11:23:46

Basil,

Ciao.

Thanks for sending me the address. Afraid my geographical knowledge of the Iberian peninsula starts and ends at Gibraltar, and from what I hear, your Spanish bloody taxi drivers don't speak very good English on the whole, so I'm none too confident of being able to locate you. If I book a flight, is there any chance one of your men could meet me at the airport? Much easier all round that way: then he can escort me to your HQ and we can carry out our business without any fuss or bother. What do you reckon?

How would Thursday next week be for you? Let me know if that floats your boat and I'll look into flights over the weekend and see what's available.

As I'll be flying all the way to Spain to conclude this business, I've been thinking that I may as well make a little holiday of it and spend a few days over in your no doubt charming little country. With this in mind, could you recommend any hotels, Basil? Nothing seedy, do you hear? I'll only stay in four star establishments or above, and they must offer a full English breakfast in the morning. Something close to the centre would suit me down to the ground. Let me know what you think.

Get back to me with answers to these questions, and let me know how much your damn fees are, and we're in business.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The petition

Sent: Fri, 22 Apr 2005 09:55:34 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

Attached is the petition. It was delayed because I was trying to get as many people as I could to sign it. I tried my best. Has Mr Basil given you an appointment? When will you be travelling to Spain to get our fund from them? Let me know please.

Ahmed

Gilbert's second completed petition
(Click to enlarge)

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Sun, 24 Apr 2005 22:30:13 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

You are most welcomed from Thursday to Saturday. As for the centre thing, I like it just as you appreciate anything from the centre and you do not have problem concerning that as I will supply that to you.

You are expected to arrive with the sum of 8,125 Euros to take care of the clearance. We cannot meet at the airport. Rather when you check into your hotel, you ring me.

Thanks,

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: This won't do at all

Sent: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 09:01:23

Basil,

Ciao.

I am in receipt of your last email. Frankly sir, I found it rude.

Firstly, what the hell are you on about when you talk about this blasted "centre thing"? I have no idea what the blazes you're on about, man. Don't talk in damn riddles to me, for God's sake. Explain yourself.

Secondly, I am flying all the way to bloody Spain to complete a very important transaction in a foreign city I've never set foot in before in my entire life, yet you tell me that you can't send a man to meet me at the airport. I would have thought that would be the least you could do, Basil. I've told you before, I don't speak the lingo, so I'll be all at sea without some damn assistance. I insist that you send one of your men to meet my flight and escort me to my hotel.

Thirdly, on the subject of hotels, I asked if you could recommend one to me, and you haven't done so.

Fourthly, you say your fees are for "the clearance". What the hell does this mean? I demand a full detailed breakdown of the figure before I pay you a damn cent. After all, I'll have to get this past my accountant at the end of the damn financial year, do you see?

Fifthly, kindly address me correctly: as "Wing Commander Murray". Let's have less of your damn impertinence.

This is not the way in which an Englishman conducts business, Basil, do you hear? I suggest you reconsider your approach to this whole shebang pretty damn quick, or this Wing Commander won't be clearing this damn business for take-off, do you hear?

Get back to me immediately.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Thanks for the petition, little man

Sent: Mon, 25 Apr 2005 09:04:28

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. Thanks for the petition. Much appreciated. That'll stand you in good stead for membership of the England for the English campaign, you mark my words.

About this damn transaction. I'm still in the process of arranging things with Basil. The damn fella seems a bit unco-operative if you ask me, but that's typical of these European types. Don't you worry though, Wada Nas; I'll soon whip his Iberian arse into shape.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Get back to me at once

Sent: Tue, 26 Apr 2005 10:11:21

Basil,

Ciao.

Why have you not yet responded to the email I sent you yesterday? This is important business, for God's sake, and it seems to me that we're not getting anywhere at the moment thanks to your attitude.

I am not a patient man, Basil, and I will not stand for being messed around in this way. This kind of lackadaisical approach to business be perfectly acceptable in the back streets of Madrid, but it simply won't do here in England, do you hear?

If I am to travel all the way to bloody Spain to sort out this business, at great personal expense, the least you can do is to send one of your goons to meet my flight at the airport. That kind of thing counts as common courtesy over here.

I have also asked you for a breakdown of your fees and you still have not provided me with one. Only a bloody fool would pay a bill of that magnitude without knowing exactly how the damn total has been arrived at, and I, Basil, am no fool. Send me a breakdown of the figure immediately.

Finally, as I know slightly less than bugger all about Madrid, I have asked you for your advice on hotels. I would greatly appreciate it if you could recommend a good one to me. I don't think that's too much to ask, do you?

If you'd have got back to me yesterday, I could have booked a flight and everything would be all sorted. However, given your delay in getting back to me, it's now looking more and more unlikely that I'm going to be able to travel over to Spain this week. The sooner you get back to me, the sooner I can travel over to see you and conclude this damn business.

The ball is in your court, Basil. I suggest you take a firm hold of your damn racket and hit it back to me right this minute.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: This man Basil is causing problems

Sent: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 10:33:47

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. How are you, eh? And how's your mother getting on? Do let me know.

Sorry to have to say that this damn Basil chappie is causing problems. I've asked the cove to send someone to meet me at the airport - I don't know my way around Madrid, and I don't speak the bloody lingo either - but the damn fella's refusing to do so.

This just won't do, do you hear? I refuse to do business with someone who doesn't even have the common decency to show me a bit of damn courtesy. Sure you can appreciate my situation.

So, little man, we're at a bit of a standstill. Basil won't send someone to meet me at the damn airport - in fact he's even stopped responding to my damn emails now - and I won't travel to Spain unless I know I'm going to be treated with the respect I deserve. So, right now we're at an impasse.

Is there anything you can do to prompt this Iberian idiot into action, Wada Nas? Maybe a word from you or your mother would do the trick. Let me know. My patience is fast running out, I can tell you that for nothing, so if we don't make any progress pretty damn quick, I might have to call a halt to this whole damn transaction, do you see?

Get back to me as soon as you've spoken to Basil, will you? It's up to you now, little fella.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Let me talk to Dieng

Sent: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 06:04:01 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

Thank you so much for the update. I honestly believe that this should not be a problem. They must have to send someone to pick you from the airport. You deserve a high class treatment and Dieng will let them know that. He might be busy with other office works, but let me talk to our lawyer Dieng, because I do not know who that Basil is. All I know is that everything will be alright but I have to talk to our lawyer first and persuade him to talk to the Basil of a man.

I will get back to you as soon as I can.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 07:17:22 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

Thanks for your mail. The fees shall cover the cost of our handling charges as well as clearance charges of the customs. That is what the fees stand for my good friend.

As for your arrival, we shall designate our protocol officers to come and pick you up at the airport on arrival. Just let me have your flight arrangements to enable me to inform the officers.

Thanking you in advance,

I remain,

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Are you sure that getting Ding involved is a good idea?

Sent: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 17:04:47

Wada Nas,

Hello little chap. Are you sure that getting Ding involved is a good idea? He was nothing but a bloody hindrance to this damn transaction before, and if you ask me, we're better off without him. Ding's not a patch on the eminent Welsby, do you see? He's not cut from the same damn cloth at all. Probably cut from a piece of old hessian sacking if you want my opinion, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, it looks like the panic's over. I've heard back from Basil and he's agreed to send some johnny over to the airport to meet my flight, so that's all well and good. Now that we've had all these damn delays, it's too late for me to travel over there this week, but I can start looking into flights to Madrid for early next week.

So don't you worry your little head, Wada Nas. We'll have everything sorted out before you know it, you mark my words.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: That's more like it

Sent: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 17:11:41

Basil,

Ciao.

Thanks for the email. Glad to see you seem to have sharpened your ideas up.

I have to say, your breakdown of the fees isn't nearly as detailed as I'd have liked, but going by what I've heard, that's probably just the way you Southern European types do things. We'll let that pass for now, but I'll expect a detailed breakdown of the fees when I meet up with you, do you hear?

On top of this, you still haven't recommended any hotels to me, but as I'm feeling in a generous mood, we'll let that pass too.

On a more positive note, good to hear that you'll be sending some chappie to meet me at the old airport. Believe me, it's for the best. We want to get this business over and done with as quickly and smoothly as possible when I'm over in Madrid. Don't want me getting myself lost in a strange city now, do we? Make sure you send a good man, mind. One with a good head on his shoulders, do you hear?

Since you've delayed things over the past couple of days, it's too late now for me to get over to Spain this week. But never mind. I'll look into flights for next week. Tell me, Basil, what days would be good for you early next week? How does Monday sound?

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thanks

Sent: Wed, 27 Apr 2005 11:34:07 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Murray,

Thanks for your mail. I will make a hotel reservation for you in one of the best hotels in town. Hope you appreciate that arrangement.

You can come in any time of the week provided you inform me of your flight arrangements as failure to do so may delay our appointment with you on arrival.

Thanks,

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: I've booked myself onto a flight for Monday

Sent: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 09:56:19

Basil,

Ciao.

I've just been down to the travel agent in the village and booked myself a flight to Madrid for Monday morning. I'll be travelling with British Airways on flight BA2464 which gets into Madrid at 12:25.

I'm assuming that's 12:25 Spanish time, not 12:25 English time. Why the hell you have to insist on using a different bloody time to Greenwich Mean Time is beyond me. If Greenwich Mean Time is good enough for us English, it should be good enough for the rest of you, that's what I say.

I'll tell you one thing, Basil. If all you foreign types used GMT like any normal person, it'd save all that bloody nonsense about having to change your damn watch every time you step out of the country. Granted, it might mean the bloody Chinese taking tea in the dead of night and going to bed in the middle of the morning, but it'd be worth it, don't you think? Might even do away with jetlag. Bloody good idea, if you ask me.

Anyway, back to business. Kindly arrange for one of your fellas to come and meet me in Arrivals, or whatever that's called in Spanish. You'd better let me know what this chappie looks like so I don't miss him in the airport.

I suggest we get our business over and done with as soon as possible on the Monday. What do you say? Maybe if your man could take me directly to your damn offices, we could do the necessary and get everything done and dusted on Monday afternoon. I'll be staying in Madrid until Wednesday - thought I may as well make a damn holiday out of it - so if we can be sorted out on Monday, that'll give me the rest of the time to do some bloody sightseeing. That's presuming there are some damn sights to see, of course.

Now then, this hotel you're on about. What's it called and where's it located? Appreciate your offer to reserve me a room. Good man. See that you book me a no-smoking, ensuite room with a decent view, do you hear? And make sure there's a full English breakfast available in the morning will you? I won't have any of this damn continental rubbish.

Oh, and your fee. Will English Pounds Sterling be alright for you, or must you have it in those damn Euro notes? Let me know.

Get back to me with details of the hotel and this chappie you'll be sending to collect me, won't you? I look forward to meeting you on Monday.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Dieng is still our lawyer

Sent: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 02:40:51 -0700 (PDT)

Sir,

I am glad Mr Basil has finally responded to you. Dieng told me he called him on the phone and requested him to get back to you immediately. Although Basil told him that he had a lot of files on his table to attend to but he persuaded him to. Anyway, I still believe that all is well. Hope to hear that this transaction is over by next week. I do trust you sir.

My only fear now is that the government of your country has banned Nigerians between the age of 18 to 30 from applying for UK visas. How possible is it for them to grant me one? I am really afraid they may refuse me a visa, but I believe with you over there, that will not be a problem. Anyway, let us hope that next week will be a successful one for us in regards to this transaction.

Finally, I want you to have in mind that Dieng is still our lawyer. Irrespective of his previous behaviours, we might still need his help and it would not be wise for us to start looking for another attorney in case the need arises. But I hope there will never be need for it again.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: We're all set for next Monday

Sent: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 11:52:02

Wada Nas,

Hello, little fella. Thanks for the email. Glad to be able to tell you that everything's set for next Monday. Now that Basil has started playing ball, I've booked myself a flight that gets into Madrid at around lunchtime, and I'm just waiting for Basil to get back to me to let me know what the damn arrangements will be for the day.

Decided to make a little holiday of it. Planning to spend a few days in Madrid. Be good to get away from the wife for a few days to tell you the truth, especially after this weekend. Going away with her for a couple of days, do you see? Visiting her sister and all that. It'll be a weekend full of talk about knitting and flower arranging, you mark my words, Wada Nas. Nothing to keep a man amused at all, but what can you do? You have to keep the old bird happy, don't you?

Tell you what, little fella, things'll be very different when you and your mother move over here and get settled in that damn caravan. Then the wife can go and visit her sister on her own and I can look forward to a weekend of no holds barred, good old rumpy-pumpy with Mrs Wada Nas.

But of course, she's your mother, so we'll say no more about that. Probably best to draw a veil over it, eh?

Now then, all this talk about visas. I shouldn't worry too much about that if I were you, little man. I'm a man with contacts, do you see? It's not what you know, it's who you know, that's what I've always said. One of my old RAF comrades, Flight Lieutenant Powell, has a son who's quite a high-flyer in the civil service, and as it happens, he deals with visa applications and that sort of thing. Enoch, I think the lad's name is. I could have a word with his father if you liked. I'm sure we could get you a visa sorted out if I put in a good word for you. After all, rules are made to be broken, eh?

So, there's no need for you to worry your little head about anything at all, do you hear?

Now then, you give my regards to your mother, won't you? And get back to those damn studies, eh? Education. Damn important, you know.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: Please confirm your man will be at the airport

Sent: Fri, 29 Apr 2005 10:31:37

Basil,

Ciao.

A quick note to let you know that I'm going to be away for the weekend, so I need you to get back to me today and confirm the following things:

Confirm that your man will be at the airport to meet me at 12:25 on Monday. Have him stand in Arrivals with a large sign with "Wing Commander Murray" written on it so I don't miss him. Make sure the writing's nice and large, mind. The old eyesight isn't what it used to be, do you hear?
Tell me what the hell this damn fella looks like. You know the sort of thing: height, weight, clothing, any distinguising features or disfigurements. For example, does the fella stoop? Does he have an unusually low forehead? Are his eyes set too close together? Anything that'll help me pick him out in the crowd. If you could send me a picture of the chappie, that'd be even better.
Do you want your money in Euros or Pounds Sterling, or doesn't it matter? I need to know today so I can change it into that damn Monopoly money if I need to.

I repeat Basil, I'm away this weekend, so you need to get back to me with these details today, do you hear? Otherwise I won't be able to pick up my damn emails and it'll be too late, and that wouldn't do at all.

Looking forward to meeting you next week. Maybe after we've concluded our business we could go out for a celebratory drink or two? It'd be my damn treat. Two men about town. Who knows what we might get up to? Don't know if you're a married fella, but what the wife doesn't know won't hurt her, eh? What do you say?

Get back to me before the end of the day, there's a good chap.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thank you

Sent: Sat, 30 Apr 2005 04:35:40 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

I am also glad to hear that everything is set for next Monday. We really appreciate your efforts and kindness towards us and this transaction. The almighty God will surely reward your kindness.

My mother extends her sincere regards to you. She said her inability to write you has been as a result of disconnection by our internet provider as they are going through a kind of reformation in their system, but they will soon reconnect. She asked me to specially give to you her warm greetings. We really appreciate and do hope that the transaction will be a success. We trust you and in your ability towards giving us a new life after this transaction.

I also want to use this opportunity to make a request. I would want you to commence with the arrangement of getting us out of this country immediately you are back from Spain.

I await your kind response.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Urgent

Sent: Mon, 02 May 2005 04:09:29 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Commander Murray,

Thanks for your mail. I was away and could not access my mails. Below is the details of the hotel you are going to stay. Do call them on arrival and they will come and pick you up.

TRYP BARAJAS HOTELS

ADDRESS: AVDA LOGRO O, 305 - 28042, MADRID, SPAIN

TELEPHONE: +34-917 477 700

FAX: +34-917 478 717

EMAIL: tryp.barajas@solmelia.com

As for the fees, Euros is better but if there is no alternative, you may come with Pounds.

Have a good flight.

John Basil

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: How are you sir?

Sent: Mon, 02 May 2005 14:17:53 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

How are you doing today? I write to know if you still travelled to Spain for the consummation of our transaction. Please, let me the position of things.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Where the blazes was your man at the bloody airport yesterday?

Sent: Tue, 03 May 2005 09:31:37

Basil,

Ciao.

What the bloody hell is going on? Where the blazes was your man at the bloody airport yesterday? I sent you my flight number and arrival time last week, so why in God's name didn't you send someone to meet me like you said you would?

I am not a happy man. First of all there were the delays at the damn airport. I got held up a Customs for some time when some Spanish johnny demanded to look through my baggage. I can tell you now, Basil, I'm none too keen on people going through my personal belongings. Especially not these foreign types, do you see? No telling what they might find.

Anyway, this Spanish Customs fella came across all the money I had in my briefcase. This is your damn fee we're talking about here, Basil, do you hear? He wanted to know why the hell I was bringing so much damn money into the country. Well, it took a hell of a time to make the jumped-up little man understand me. I tell you, Basil, his English was simply appalling. I spoke slower and slower, and louder and louder, but it didn't seem to make the slightest bit of difference to the man's lack of comprehension. Things were getting quite heated, and I was bloody tempted to punch the chappie on the nose, when one of his colleagues who had a slightly better grasp of English intervened and sorted it all out. Lucky for that Customs fella that the other chappie stepped in: I may be getting on a bit, but I can still give a man a damn good blow if the need arises.

Anyway, I eventually made it out into Arrivals expecting to see one of your henchmen out there waiting for me, but he was nowhere to be seen! I did spot one shifty looking cove in a cheap nylon jacket with a leer and a bit of a sloping gait who I thought might have been your man, but I realised he was nothing but a passing vagrant when the Spanish airport johnnies kicked him out onto the damn street.

This left me in a hell of a pickle, Basil. Seeing as you didn't even have the courtesy to get back to me last week and let me know which hotel you'd booked me into - what the hell was the point of sending me that email on Monday, man? That was too bloody late - I had to take matters into my own hands. Using a mixture of hand signals and very loud, very slow English, I managed to persuade some local damn taxi driver to take me to a decent hotel. And that's where I am now, having spent a sleepless night in a hot and sticky bloody hotel room, worrying myself half to death over this damn transaction.

I can tell you now Basil, I'm beside myself with rage at the shoddy damn way you and your bloody henchmen have treated me. I travel all the way over to a bloody foreign country where I don't speak the lingo, and you don't even have the decency to send anyone to meet me. What sort of man are you, eh? And what way is this to run a bloody business?

If I didn't have this damn transaction to think about, I don't mind telling you that I wouldn't have anything more to do with you, Basil, do you hear? Not after the shabby damn way you've treated me.

But unfortunately, I do have this transaction to complete. So, Basil, now's your chance to redeem yourself to some small degree in my eyes. Put down your pecker and get back to me immediately with details of how we can go about finalising this bloody affair. I'm in Madrid until late tomorrow, so ideally we need to get something sorted out today, or tomorrow morning at the latest. I presume you can send someone to meet me at my damn hotel? The blighter had better bloody turn up this time, that's all I'll say.

Get back to me at once, do you hear? At once, I say.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Get back to me at once, man

Sent: Tue, 03 May 2005 14:56:58

Basil,

Ciao.

Kindly explain why you have not yet responded to the email I sent you this morning. Time is of the essence here, man. I am keen to get this bloody transaction completed as soon as possible, do you hear?

For God's sake man, do you mean to keep me waiting here in the lounge of my damn hotel all day? This is not the sort of treatment an Englishman should expect to receive while abroad, do you hear? Although to be perfectly honest with you Basil, given your blundering performance in this damn business up to now, I'm not exactly surprised.

I have your money here in my bloody briefcase. What the hell is the hold-up? Wake up from your damn siesta immediately and respond to my email at once so that we can get things sorted.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Is there anything you can do here, little fella?

Sent: Tue, 03 May 2005 14:58:22

Wada Nas,

This joker Basil has messed me around once too often, do you hear me, little man? First of all he fails to send anyone to meet me at the damn airport, and now he's keeping me waiting all day in the lounge of my bloody hotel.

This isn't good enough, Wada Nas. It just won't do. I've half a mind to give up on this damn transaction here and now, do you see? If it wasn't for the depth of my feelings for your mother, I would have given up on this whole shebang a long time ago.

I've travelled all the way to bloody Iberia for the purposes of this transaction, little fella, yet this Basil cove is treating me like dirt. Well I won't put up with it for much longer, do you hear me? I won't put up with it, I say.

Is there anything you can do here, little fella? Be a good lad. Get in touch with Basil and tell him that if he doesn't shake his lazy arse into action pronto, he can wave goodbye to me and my money.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: I am sorry

Sent: Tue, 03 May 2005 07:43:57 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Sorry for what happened as I was attending an official assignment. Please send the name of the hotel you are currently now at as well as the contact number so we can come and meet you.

You can call me now on my number, 34-650-288556, for details.

Happy arrival to Madrid.

Thanks,

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: Send a man to pick me up tomorrow morning

Sent: Tue, 03 May 2005 16:25:49

Basil,

Ciao.

At last! A response from you! Better late than never, I suppose. I have to tell you Basil, you've gone down a long way in my estimation over the past couple of days. A hell of a long way. So you've got a lot of ground to make up, do you hear?

I've never been so bored in all my life, do you hear? Never in my life. Been sitting here on my damn backside all bloody day waiting for you to get in touch with me. It won't do, do you hear me Basil? It just won't do. Been sitting here all day with nothing better to do than knock back one gin after another, and I don't mind telling you that I've just about had as much as I can take. In more ways than one, do you see?

Anyway, now you've got in touch, we can move forward and get this damn transaction completed. You can send a man to pick me up tomorrow morning. I'm staying in the Hotel Villa Magna, and I'll be waiting for your man in the hotel lounge at 9am sharp. Presumably your man can take me to your offices and it won't take us too long to get this damn thing all sorted out.

Mind you, things haven't been all bad today. Bumped into a damn nice fella in the hotel lounge this afternoon, name of Morra. Says he's got this once in a lifetime business opportunity, and he's offered to take me out for a meal tonight to tell me all about it. Damn generous fella, this Morra: he's the chappie that's been buying me all these bloody gin and tonics this afternoon. I'm a bit confused about the whole affair at the moment - something to do with a dead bank customer and a fortune in cocoa beans or something like that - but Morra seems like he's on the level and he's assured me it'll all become clear once he's explained it to me properly tonight.

Anyway, that's what I'll be doing tonight. Going off up to the old hotel room right now to get myself ready. Cold shower and all that. Does wonders for the old constitution. Hopefully the old head will have cleared up a bit by the morning in time to meet your man.

Now then Basil, get back to me at once and let me know what this fella you're sending is called, and tell me how I'll be able to recognise the chap. We don't want another cock-up now, do we?

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Tell your man not to be late.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

"Mr Morra" was the manager of a bogus security company in Madrid who Gilbert tangled with in The Poultry Magnate.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Basil should be sending someone to meet me in the morning

Sent: Tue, 03 May 2005 17:17:43

Wada Nas,

Panic over, little fella. Basil got in touch with me at long last, having kept me hanging around in the lounge of my bloody hotel for the best part of the day. Anyway, I've told him to send one of his henchmen to pick me up at 9am sharp in the morning. As long as Basil's man shows up, I can't see that we'll have any further problems.

Tell you what, little man, I had a stroke of luck this afternoon and no mistake. Bumped into one of your countrymen in the hotel lounge. Some chappie named Morra. Damn nice fella. You'd like him.

Anyway, this Morra chap's got this once in a lifetime business opportunity. He tried to explain it all to me this afternoon, but to be perfectly honest I'd had a few too many damn gins and I couldn't quite get the hang of it all. Something about a dead cocoa farmer and a fortune in bloody cocoa beans. Apparently the Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria - some fella called Zanussi - is tied up in it all, so it sounds like it's on the level.

Well, this Morra fella's taking me out for dinner tonight to explain it to me all over again. Sounds like it could be damn profitable, do you see, little fella? Morra's ears certainly seemed to prick up when I told him all about this damn business I'm conducting with you, your mother and Basil. He was especially interested when I told him I'd flown all the way to Spain with a briefcase full of cash.

Well, little man, keep your fingers crossed for tomorrow. As long as Basil does what he's supposed to, everything should run like damn clockwork.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Send me your hotel phone number

Sent: Tue, 03 May 2005 13:09:46 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

Thanks so much for the update. I am so sorry about your ordeals at the airport. I simply do not know what to say about it but sorry. It's unfortunate Mr Basil behaved the way he did, but the most important thing is the success of the transaction. I hope everything will be alright so that you will have nothing more to do with Basil of a man.

Also, I wish to advise that you do not get yourself involved into any other business until this transaction is completed. I am afraid it would not be good for us because you will get things complicated if you do. Please avoid it in God's name.

I would want you to send me the telephone number of your hotel as soon as possible so that I can call you immediately. At least to hear your voice for once. I will be glad if you do.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Where the hell is your man?

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 09:27:32

Basil,

Ciao.

Where the hell is this man you're supposed to be sending to pick me up? Here I am once again, sitting on my damn backside in the lounge of the Hotel Villa Magna waiting in vain for your henchman to show up.

I am not a happy man, Basil, I'll tell you that for nothing. I have had it up to here with the way you've messed me about. I won't stand for it, do you hear? Things like that might be perfectly acceptable to you Spanish types, but they simply don't pass muster where an Englishman is concerned.

I am giving you an ultimatum, Basil. If your man doesn't show up here at the hotel by lunchtime, I'm calling a halt to this whole damn business, and you can wave goodbye to me and my money. This Nigerian fella I met yesterday has put forward an alternative business proposal which sounds damn lucrative. If you man's not here to pick me up by twelve o'clock on the dot, I'm going to get in touch with this Nigerian chappie and use the money I brought along to pay your fee to finance his proposal.

You have been warned, Basil. Nobody keeps Wing Commander Murray waiting, do you see? Now buck your damn ideas up, get off your sweaty arse, and attend to the business in hand.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Basil has let me down yet again

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 09:30:06

Wada Nas,

That damn fool Basil has let me down yet again, little fella. You'll have read the email I just sent him. Well, if his man isn't here to pick me up by noon, I've made up my mind to drop this damn business and move forward with Morra's alternative proposal.

Tell you what, little man, Morra treated me to a fine meal last night. Granted, the food had a bit of a foreign influence, but then we are in Spain, so I suppose that can't be helped. Anyway, I've always counted myself to be a fine judge of character, and this Morra fella seems like a damn fine chap if you ask me. Given the atrocious way Basil has treated me over the past few days, it'd be a breath of fresh air to do business with someone like Morra for a change. He's a credit to your country, if you ask me. A bloody credit.

I could make millions out of Morra's proposal, little man, and all he needs from me is a few thousand so we can get our hands on some damn legal documents. Sounds like a winner to me. A sound investment, that's what I say.

It's not all bad, little fella. If the worst comes to the worst and Basil's man doesn't show up here at my damn hotel, I'll move forward with Morra, and use the money I make with him to get you and your mother out of the country and installed in my damn caravan. How does that sound to you, eh?

I'll let you know what happens with Basil. The man only has a few hours left to pull his finger out. After that, I'll be giving up on the fella and accepting Morra's proposal.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Wait

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 01:39:19 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Commander Murray,

Thanks for your mail. Do not accept anything gift from strange fellows and that Morra of a man should be disassociated from forthwith.

Could you please furnish me with your hotel number so I can call you and send someone immediately? Send me the hotel phone number right away.

You should either send it via email or give me a call ASAP.

Thanks,

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: This is the address of my damn hotel

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 12:02:54

Basil,

Ciao.

For God's sake man, I don't want you to call me. I want you to send a man to pick me up at the double so that we can meet up in person and conclude our damn business.

Despite the fact that your man has still not shown up, I have decided to give you the benefit of the doubt, and a little more time in which to prove yourself. I am currently sitting in the lounge of the Hotel Villa Magna. The address is Paseo de la Castellana 22, 28046 Madrid, Spain. Your henchman will be able to recognise me in the lounge by my tweed suit, my highly-polished brogues and my finely-waxed moustache. I am carrying my laptop and a brown leather briefcase, containing your fee.

Now stop delaying things. Send your man to meet me at once, do you hear? At once, I say.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Are you really in Madrid, Spain?

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 05:56:34 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

I was made to understand by our lawyer (Dieng) that you are not in Madrid, Spain. He said you refused to disclose to Mr Basil and Co the name of the hotel you are staying in. Also, that they made a reservation for you and sent you the infos, and you went and lodged in another hotel as you said which you refused to disclose its name and telephone numbers to them.

Sir, if it is true that you are just playing on us, I must say that I am disappointed. I requested from you the telephone number of your hotel so that I can call you, but you never gave them to me. What on earth is the reason why you should not disclose your contact details to someone you claimed to be there in his invitation? I must say that something is wrong somewhere.

Also, why have you not given me your hotel telephone numbers as I requested yesterday? You must be letting Mr Basil down here, you know?

Get back to me with the telephone numbers if you are in Madrid, Spain.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: How dare you question my damn integrity?

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 14:18:52

Wada Nas,

I have just read the impudent email you sent me, and I can tell you now, little man, I am not a happy man.

How dare you question my damn integrity? Eh? How dare you? I've been like a father to you, little fella, and I'm looking forward to being like a husband to your mother, so how on earth you can question me like this is beyond me.

You and Ding ought to get your damn facts straight, do you hear?

Firstly, I have not "refused to disclose" the name of the damn hotel I'm staying in. In fact, I have told Ding on a number of occasions which damn hotel I'm staying in. I even sent him the bloody address so he'd know where to find me.

Secondly, although you're right that Basil made a reservation for me in another hotel, the bloody clot didn't send me details of this until after I'd arrived in Spain. Arriving in Spain with nobody to meet me, I had no damn choice but to take matters into my own hands and find myself a hotel, which I did.

Thirdly, what's the bloody point of sending you the telephone number of my damn hotel, when you don't even speak Spanish? How the hell do you expect to make yourself understood to Maria at the desk? I have enough trouble myself, and you can't make hand signals over the damn telephone, you know.

So, little man, before you go accusing me of crooked dealing, get your bloody facts straight, is that clear?

I am the injured party here. I am the one who's flown all the way to bloody Spain only to find that there's no bugger at the airport to meet me. I am the one who's had to find himself lodgings in a foreign country. And why am I doing all this, eh? I'll tell you why, Wada Nas. To help you and your mother out of a damn sticky situation, that's why.

I demand a bloody apology from you, Wada Nas, and I demand it right now. Otherwise I'm going to drop this whole damn caper like a hot bloody potato and take up your countryman Morra's impressive proposal.

I've never been so insulted in my life. It won't do. It just won't do, do you hear?

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 08:48:58 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Father,

I can never and will never insult you or allow anyone to do so. I was very much upset this afternoon with Dieng and Basil and I have to go to Dieng's office, so in the process of my discussion with Dieng, he asked me how do I expect Basil or his partner to meet you in the hotel without knowing the address, phone and room number of the hotel were you lodged in. You see, I was looking foolish when he asked me this question.

During this discussion with Dieng, I therefore told him that I will be communicating with you to find all these details so that I can forward it to him to send across to Basil. My reason for all this was due to the fact that I am feeling your situation and the time you have devoted to travel all the way down to Spain to get this transaction actualised, of which no one has shown up.

Father, I truly apologise if in any way you misunderstood my action or request. I never meant to hurt you or call you names.

However, I suggest that you furnish me with all these details so that I can go right now to Dieng's office and put him to shame. You see, I and my mother have suffered enough and there is no need taking all this easy while nothing reasonable is working out. It looks to me like all efforts so far have proved to no avail and this distracts me academically, mentally and otherwise.

Sir, I can't bear this any more. Now I want to ensure that your rules in this transaction is well played so that I will know how to talk to my mother for actions. I wish I had a gun. I would just work into Dieng's office and take his life. No problem. I know what to do.

Please, just give me the hotel details and I will give it to them.

Waiting for your response.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas; Cc: Dr John Basil

Subject: All this is too damn little, too damn late

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 17:28:41

Wada Nas,

My, what a lot of exclamation marks, little fella. Mind you don't wear out that key on your keyboard by pressing it too often, won't you?

All this is too damn little, too damn late if you ask me. I told this Basil fella yesterday precisely which hotel I'm staying in. If the man had a shred of decency about himself, he'd have sent one of his goons to pick me up by now.

For your information, I'm staying in the Hotel Villa Magna, Paseo de la Castellana 22, 28046 Madrid, Spain. Like I say, little man, I told Basil this yesterday. He hasn't acted on the information, and to be perfectly honest with you, I don't think he has any damn intention of doing so.

I feel as if I've been invited over to this damn country under false pretences, do you hear? This caper has cost me a lot of time and money, Wada Nas, and I'm sick of it. I've had enough of sitting around on my backside waiting for Basil or one of his henchmen to show up.

I'm off out again tonight with that nice Morra chappie I told you about. He's offered to buy me dinner again, and I think he's hoping we'll be able to firm up our ideas on his business proposal. Given the series of disappointments I've had at the hands of Basil and his cronies, I've got a good mind to go ahead with what Morra's suggesting. Sounds damn profitable.

With this in mind, I've contacted the airline and delayed my departure from Madrid. Feel like I need a bit more time to sort things out with Morra. Don't want to fly off and leave a job half-finished, do you see? I'll be staying in the Hotel Villa Magna for one more night. If Basil still wants to go ahead with this business, he can meet me there first thing tomorrow morning. If not, to be perfectly frank, he can shove this business where the sol doesn't shine.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: It is never late at all

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 12:03:54 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

Am so sorry about the mistakes in my previous email. I have contacted Dieng with the informations that you gave to me and he said that I should ask you to give me the hotel telephone numbers so that Basil's goons that speak Spanish will call and pick you up immediately. Please send me the telephone number of Hotel Villa Magna ASAP.

Sir, nobody has invited you to Spain under false pretences. You know what I mean. I beg you in the name of almighty God that created us, please do not go back to the UK tomorrow. Let this transaction be finalised before you go.

I have called the Hotel Villa Magna, Paseo de la Castellana 22, 28046 Madrid, Spain (tel: +34 91 587 1234) and they said no one came into that hotel with the name Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, so may I know the name you used in booking so that I can pass that over to Dieng for Basil to act immediately? I am getting tired of this whole thing.

Sir, if this transaction is not completed within this time that you are in Spain, I am afraid I am going to kill myself. What will be my benefit of living in this abject poverty and Godforsaken environment full of hatred and injustice? Absolutely no need of living.

I also want to ask for a favour. I do not know if it will be possible for you to send me some money down here so that I can be able to pay for my accommodation for this last semester and also to settle some bills that I am owing here in the school. Also, I need to buy some handouts (books) for my forthcoming exam.

I will really appreciate it if you can help me out this time. I really need money sir. Please help me out.

I await your response.

Ahmed

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Info

Sent: Wed, 04 May 2005 22:59:15 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.),

You are the one delaying this process. I asked you to furnish me with your hotel telephone number as well as your room number so we can call and meet you up for a possible appointment but you kept on commenting on what I do not know.

Mind you, better beware of people you do not know, and I will not be liable for any unnecessary payment or whatever you do with unknown fellows.

I am waiting for the hotel phone number, or you call me direct.

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil; Cc: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: You're useless. Bloody useless

Sent: Thu, 05 May 2005 09:45:38

Basil,

Ciao.

I have just read the email you sent me last night. In common with most of your other damn emails, it arrived too bloody late to be of any use.

I was out for dinner last night with this Nigerian chappie I was telling you about. We were talking business. To cut a long story short, after the damn shoddy way you've treated me over the past few days, I decided last night to give up on this bloody charade of a transaction, and to invest my money with this Nigerian fella instead.

You have only yourself to blame for this Basil, do you hear? I told you days ago where I was staying. All you had to do was to send one of your goons to pick me up, but you didn't. And all that damn nonsense over the phone number. Are you incapable of using a bloody telephone book and looking it up yourself, man?

You're pathetic, man. Absolutely bloody pathetic. A complete waste of damn space, do you hear? An absolute disgrace to your profession. Mind you, I suppose I shouldn't have expected anything else from you Southern European types. I blame the warm climate myself. That and the lack of a good public school education.

Anyway, I've a meeting with this Nigerian chappie just after lunch today. That's when I'm going to give him the money he needs to get his lawyer to draw up some documents that will have this damn cocoa fortune transferred over to me. Thanks to you and your complete bloody failure to arrange a meeting, I've got the money right here with me in cash, so that won't be a problem. After that, I'll be travelling to the airport and catching the next flight back to Blighty.

I've checked out of my hotel room now, but if you did want to call me and apologise for your appalling bloody behaviour (and I damn well think you owe me an apology), I'll be in the hotel lounge for the next hour or so, chatting to a damn pleasant Dutch fella I've met called Van Roentle. Call me on +34 91 587 1234. As I'm no longer a guest at the damn hotel, ask Maria at the desk to put you through to Hertz Van Roentle, and Van Roentle will put you through to me.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: I've given up on Basil

Sent: Thu, 05 May 2005 09:58:02

Wada Nas,

Hello, little fella. You'll have seen from the last email I sent Basil that I've given up on the man. He's messed me around too much, do you see? I'm not the most patient of men at the best of times, and this got beyond a bloody joke.

Anyway, as I told Basil, the good news is that I've decided to invest the money I brought over to Spain in that chappie Morra's business proposal, so it's not all been a waste of time. Damn lucky that I bumped into Morra when I did. All I've got to do is pay him a few thousand, and his lawyer - some cove called Adekunle - is going to draw up some documents and transfer this bloody cocoa fortune into my bank account.

I'll tell you what, little man, after the farcical time I've had over the past few days, I can't believe how my luck has turned around since meeting this Morra fella. Seems like the sort of man who keeps his word, unlike that bloody fool Basil. Basil could learn a thing or two from Morra, you mark my words.

I'm meeting Morra early this afternoon to hand over the money to him, and after that I'll be flying back over to England. Should get back home to Gypping in the Marsh late tonight.

Now then, you mentioned you were a bit short of money at the moment. Need it for schoolbooks and that kind of malarky, no doubt. Well, I'd be only too happy to help you out, little man. In some ways, I feel like you're the son I never had, do you see?

Nothing's too good for a son of mine, do you hear me lad? So just you let me know how much you need and I'll sort it out when I get back to Gypping in the Marsh, how does that sound?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

"Mr Adekunle" was the bogus lawyer who Gilbert tangled with in his very first scambust, The Inventor.

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I've given up on Basil

Sent: Thu, 05 May 2005 07:38:14 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

Thanks for your quick response. I will be using the money to pay up my accommodation fee, buy some text books and a few handouts for the preparation of my exam.

The accommodation is the costliest of it all. It is about $800, while the school fee, text books and handouts will not be less than $700. So, I will be needing an equivalent of $1,400 to sort my problems. I will be so glad if my problem will be solved as soon as possible.

As for the transaction, I earlier told you that the security company never wanted us to claim this fund. All they wanted is for the money to die the way my father died. They want the fund for themselves, but God will not let them.

I will be meeting with Dieng this afternoon to discuss if the consignment will be delivered there in the United Kingdom. Use my friend's name in sending the money.

I will get back to you soon.

Ahmed

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: The name

Sent: Thu, 05 May 2005 09:31:33 -0700 (PDT)

Sir,

Below is my friend's name that you are to use in sending me the money.

Name: Chinedu Anaukwu

Address: Lagos, Nigeria

He travelled to Lagos last Tuesday and I just called him on the phone and he asked me to use his name as he will still be in Lagos for the next two days. I think Western Union transfer will be better.

Thank you sir.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Dr John Basil

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: You are stupid enough

Sent: Thu, 05 May 2005 12:05:28 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Commander Murray,

What the hell are you doing? It took you longer than required to get me the hotel info I asked you for.

You must be telling lies. I called the line and asked for Maria and the other guy as you outlined but they told me that they do not have such a customer by the name Commander Gilbert Murray.

Where are you then, when the hotel can disclaim you?

Open up your tricks man.

John Basil

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: About this money you need

Sent: Fri, 06 May 2005 10:27:38

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. Pleased to say that I touched down back in Blighty last night with no major problems. Having said that, there was a fair bit of turbulence over the Bay of Biscay that any pilot worth his damn salt could have avoided. I didn't put up with that sort of flying when I was in the RAF, I can tell you. Made me spill my damn gin and tonic, do you see? Anyway, I decided I'd have a word with the damn pilot - give the chappie a bit of advice from one who knows best, do you see - but the bloody stewardesses kicked up a hell of a fuss when I tried to get into the damn cockpit. One of them threatened to arrest me! Would you believe it, little man? I was only trying to be helpful.

Anyway, I got back to Gypping in the Marsh late last night and I'm now refreshed after a damn good sleep. The wife was pleased to see me. Said she'd missed me while I was away. Well, I'm not surprised. She hasn't had anyone to moan at for the past few days, do you see? No doubt she won't stop talking all bloody day today. I won't be able to get a moment's peace, knowing what she's like. I trust your mother's not like that, Wada Nas? Can't be doing with it, do you hear?

Glad to be able to tell you that I handed over the money - a touch over 5,000 - to this Morra chappie yesterday afternoon as planned. He's going to get this lawyer of his to get moving right away, or so he tells me. Apparently I can expect this cocoa fortune to be transferred into my damn bank account by some time next week, so that's good news. I'll be able to use the money to move you and your mother over to England when it comes through. Morra's just got to get his lawyer to sort out some power of attorney or something like that. All a bit complicated for me to understand, to tell you the truth, but Morra seems like a decent chap, and I'm sure he'll come through for me.

Now then. About this money you're asking me for. You said you need $800 for your accommodation and $700 for your text books and all that malarky. Sounds like an awful lot of money to me, but then a good education isn't cheap, is it?

By the way, Wada Nas, I have to tell you that $700 plus $800 is $1,500, not $1,400 as you reckoned. Do you want me to add on a couple of dollars so you can go out and buy yourself a damn pocket calculator? Seems to me like you could use one. Let me know.

Anyway, all this shouldn't be a problem. The old savings are running a bit low after I handed over all that money to Morra yesterday, but I think Elizabeth's got a bit of money stashed away in the pantry for emergencies and suchlike. I'll break into that and send you the money you need. I'll be able to pay it back when this damn cocoa fortune comes through, so she'll be none the wiser.

So, you want me to send the money by Western Union, do you? Fair enough. Tell you what though, I'll send it to you direct rather than to this Chinnydu Anaku chappie. Be easier that way for all of us, don't you think?

I'll be busy this weekend - I'm off to see an old RAF chum for a couple of days - but I'll see if I can get the money to you first thing on Monday morning.

Have a good weekend, Wada Nas, and see if you can brush up on your damn mathematical skills. You'll find it pays to know how many beans make five.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Basil

Subject: Let's have less of your damn insolence

Sent: Fri, 06 May 2005 10:29:08

Basil,

Ciao.

I'm in receipt of your latest email. Let's have less of your damn impudence, man. That's no way to address your elders and betters. You obviously never bothered to learn any damn manners, and while I suppose you can blame some of that on not being English, a lot of it is down to you personally, do you hear?

What the hell is wrong with you, man? I told you right from the outset which damn hotel I was staying in. All you had to do was send one of your hapless henchmen to come and meet me. And if you wanted to call me, all you had to do was to pick up a bloody telephone book and look up the number of my damn hotel. I can't be expected to do everything for you. I'm not your mother, for God's sake.

I expect that given your overall lack of common sense, you must rely on your mother to do a lot of things for you, Basil. Wouldn't be surprised to hear that she still dressed you in the morning. You don't seem to me like the kind of chap who'd be able to cope with anything that complicated yourself.

And what are you blathering about, complaining that the hotel told you I wasn't staying there? Of course that's what they would bloody well tell you. I made it crystal clear to you that I'd already checked out of the damn hotel by then. Have you not been reading my emails properly, or are you just too damn soft in the head to process the bloody information? I tell you, I blame it on the heat.

You ask where I am now. Another bloody stupid question. I told you yesterday that I was going to fly back home, and that's exactly where I am now: back at home in Gypping in the Marsh.

I've been disgusted with the shabby way you've gone about this business over the past few days. I came to Spain to do business, and you wasted my valuable time, do you hear? I can only count myself lucky that I met up with that nice Nigerian fella with the lucrative business proposal. I handed over my money to him yesterday afternoon, and I'm anticipating that damn cocoa fortune will appear in my bank account midway through next week, so at least my trip wasn't a complete waste of time.

A complete waste of time, incidentally, is precisely what you appear to be, Basil. A waste of time and a waste of space. Given all that has happened, I think I can count myself lucky that I avoided doing business with you in the end.

Now go away, you detestable little man, and stop wasting my bloody time.

Arrivederci.

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: About this money you need

Sent: Fri, 06 May 2005 12:08:39 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

Thank you for your response. I am proud to tell that I am a good student in mathematics. I was only trying to explain to you that it will cost me about $700 (about $700 and not exactly $700). I hope you understand what I mean by that. So I was not specific with the figure. Of course I am damn good when it comes to calculation.

As for the money, I still feel it will be wise to send it with my friend's name. He has a driving licence and international passport to claim the money from the Western Union while I do not have any. So, do it with his name. I will still have to plead with him not to come back to school this weekend in order to be able to collect the money on Monday before coming back to the campus.

His name is CHINEDU ANAUKWU and not the way you wrote it. Meanwhile, I am yet to discuss with Dieng. I will keep you posted as soon as I do.

Thanks.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: I've transferred the money you wanted to your little friend

Sent: Mon, 09 May 2005 10:34:11

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. Hope you had a good weekend. I've just got back from town where I transferred that damn money you were after to your little friend, Anaanu or whatever his damn name is.

Tell you what, Wada Nas, I can't help but wish that you and your little friends had some good English names. Be a damn sight easier to spell and pronounce, do you see? Anyway, not your fault, I suppose. You can't help it if your mother decided to be a bit different when she had you christened. Damn vicars must be used to it out there, no doubt.

Anyway, I've attached the payment slip to this email (note that I converted the amount into good old English Pounds). Give me a shout when your little friend's picked up the money for you.

Tell you what, Wada Nas, the little lady at the Western Union office was a bit of a looker. If I was a younger man there'd have been no holding me back, do you hear? Mind you, I'm saving myself for your mother right now. Well, apart from the usual duties with the wife, if you see what I mean. Can't be helped. A man's got to do what a man's got to do and all that. Anyway, I trust you're not muddling up your little head with thoughts of women, Wada Nas. Keep your mind on your studies, there's my boy.

Incidentally, I've been sounding out a few of the locals to see if I can get you sorted out with a job when you move over here to Gypping in the Marsh. We can't have you moping away in that damn caravan all the time, can we? There's not much work going at the moment, but Farmer Gloucester did mention that he was after a hard-working sort to muck out his pigs. Would you be interested in that sort of thing, little fella? Bit of a dirty job and it doesn't pay very well, but it'd keep you out of mischief, and it'd also get you out of the damn caravan so that your mother and I could use it undisturbed, if you see what I mean.

What do you reckon? Shall I tell Gloucester that you're interested?

Must go now. Some work to do for the England for the English campaign. We're trying to drum up some interest in the national press for our new campaign to ban the sale of Cornish pasties, and we're considering picketing the Ginsters factory. That should get us noticed. Anyway, do get back to me when your little friend gets back from the Western Union office now, won't you?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Has your little friend picked up the damn money yet?

Sent: Mon, 09 May 2005 16:28:04

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. Tell me, has your little friend picked up the damn money yet? I was expecting you to have got back to me by now with the good news that the money I transferred to you is safe in your hands.

I can only assume that your little friend has indeed picked up the damn money. I imagine you're probably too bloody busy buying the schoolbooks you can now afford and suchlike to get back to me. Well, if that's the case, that's good news indeed. I can sleep easy in the knowledge that my kind-hearted benevolence is helping you on your way to gaining some damn qualifications.

All the same, Wada Nas, a little thank-you wouldn't go amiss, do you hear? Now that I've handed over all my savings to that Morra chappie, I had to raid Elizabeth's stash of emergency money to raise the cash I sent to you, so a little appreciation would go a long way. If she ever finds out, she'll never let me hear the end of it, you mark my words.

Talking of that Morra chappie, I'm starting to get a little concerned, to tell you the truth. The fella's proving to be damn hard to get hold of. The phone number he gave me doesn't seem to work (that's third-world infrastructure for you, if you ask me Wada Nas), and he isn't responding to my damn emails. I've not heard a peep from his lawyer, Adekunle, either.

Still, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Morra gave me his word that nothing could go wrong with this whole shebang, and from what I've heard, a Nigerian's word is his bond. Obviously, not as much of a bond as an Englishman's word, but that'd be damn impossible, eh, Wada Nas.

Looking forward to hearing back from you, little man. And do send me a list of what you've bought with the money I sent you. I want to be sure you haven't just pocketed the damn money and spent it all at the bloody sweet shop, do you see?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Western Union said no such money was transferred

Sent: Mon, 09 May 2005 10:22:13 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

My friend called me on the phone and told me that Western Union said no such money was transferred. I went further by trying to track the money through www.westernunion.com, but the money is not there. I do not understand it at all. This same thing happened with Dieng last time you sent them money for the documentation.

Please check with them and do track it on their website (Western Union) to be sure that the money is there because I feel they are playing a game.

I cannot imagine accepting such a job as you talked about. I will soon be a graduate and such a job will be an embarrassment to me. Anyway, thanks for caring.

I await your response.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: This is bloody infuriating

Sent: Tue, 10 May 2005 09:16:48

Wada Nas,

This is bloody infuriating, little fella. I don't think I've ever come across a more problematic method of transferring money from one person to another than this damn Western Union malarky. I had similar problems to this when I tried to transfer money to Ding's accomplices, Emma and Obadge. I thought the problems then were just down to Ding's two goons being too bloody dimwitted to work out how to pick up the money, but maybe there's more to it than that. After all, you say your little friend Chinnydu is a student like you, so presumably he'll have a few more brain cells to rub together than Emmet and Obodge had between them.

Tell you what, little man. I'll head off back into town and see what I can sort out at the Western Union agent. I'll get back to you as soon as I get back.

Don't worry, Wada Nas. I'm sure we'll get this sorted out. This'll be some sort of temporary glitch, you mark my words.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Damn sorry to hear you weren't too keen on the idea of that job at Gloucester's farm. I'll keep the old eyes peeled and let you know if I hear about any other positions that might suit you better. Do bear in mind though that this is a very rural area you'll be moving to, so most of the jobs around here will have some agricultural element. Probably best not to set your sights too high at first, little fella. Start small and work your way up the career ladder, that's my advice.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: I've sorted it all out

Sent: Tue, 10 May 2005 10:48:59

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. Just got back from the Western Union agent, where I've managed to sort everything out. So, your little friend Chinnydoo will be able to pick up the money now, no question about it.

Turns out Western Union are still having some "internet connectivity" problems in their damn network, whatever that means. It's all a bit too damn technical for me, but from what the Western Union johnnies said, they've introduced some new computer hardware throughout the network in the UK and it's been causing no end of problems like this for the past couple of months. "Teething problems". That's what they called it.

Anyway, the transfer I made yesterday is definitely in the system - the Western Union manager showed it to me on his computer - but it's not showing up on your own agent's computer system, or on the Western Union website, because of these damn network problems.

But don't you worry your little head about this, Wada Nas, because there's a way around the problem. The Western Union johnnies gave me the telephone number of the Chief Technician in their UK head office: a chappie called Tom Davis. Apparently he's some kind of a troubleshooter and a bit of a damn technical wizard. All your little friend Chinnydoo has to do is to go back to your Western Union agent and get them to call this fella Davis. If they explain the problem to Davis and tell him the MTCN, he'll apparently be able to sort things out there and then and make the money available to your local agent instantly.

Your Western Union agent can get hold of this Davis chappie on the following number: +44 (0) 7787910145.

So, Wada Nas, send your little friend Chinnydoo back to the Western Union agent as soon as you can so we can get everything sorted out. Let me know how you get on, won't you, little fella?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

"Tom Davis" is a 419 scammer based in London, who Gilbert has clashed with twice already: once in The Member of Parliament and once in The Poultry Magnate II. And yes, that is his real telephone number...

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: No money there

Sent: Tue, 10 May 2005 05:11:09 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

My friend just got back from Western Union and called me, saying that the Western Union agent in Lagos called Tom Davis with the telephone number that you sent, and unfortunately, it was picked up by another Nigerian and the guy said he does not have anything to do with what you said.

What is really going on? Could you please tell me what you are up to?

Tom Davis is a Nigerian that has nothing to do with Western Union, so what the hell is this all about? My friend has threatened to come back to school today as this whole thing sounds hoax.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: I am fed up to the back teeth of this Western Union malarky

Sent: Tue, 10 May 2005 13:49:22

Wada Nas,

I have just read your email, and I can tell you now little fella, that I am fed up to the back teeth of this Western Union malarky. Sending money to Emma and Obodge via Western Union turned out to be a complete farce, and now sending money to your little friend Chinnydu is turning out the same.

I haven't got a bloody clue what's going on. Are you sure your little friend got the Western Union people to call the right number? I was told that this Davis chappie was one of Western Union's technical experts and that he'd be able to sort everything out for us.

I can tell you one thing: I've had enough of Western Union. The whole thing is a complete bloody joke. Why you and Ding insist on using it is beyond me. There has to be an easier way of getting this damn money to you.

I'll tell you what, little fella. Send me details of your bank account and I'll cancel my Western Union transfer and move the money directly from my bank account into your bank account instead. How does that sound? That way, there's no bloody way things can go wrong.

Send me your bank account details by return, Wada Nas, and I'll go to the bank and transfer the money as soon as I receive them. Unless you have a better idea, little fella?

Get back to me as soon as you can, there's a good boy.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Do you want this damn money or not?

Sent: Wed, 11 May 2005 09:07:16

Wada Nas,

I'm rather surprised that you haven't sent me your damn bank account details, little fella. Do you want this damn money or not? If you do want the money - and I'd be bloody amazed if you didn't - then send me details of a bank account I can transfer it into pronto, do you hear me little man?

To tell the truth, I'm getting damn sick of this whole palaver. It's taking up far too much of my damn time. I was expecting to have your mother safely installed in my damn caravan by now, Wada Nas, but it seems as if we're no closer to that than we ever were. Well, much as I'd like to little fella, I can't spend all my time trying to help you out. I've important things to do for the England for the English campaign. So either you get back to me today, or I'm going to call a halt to this whole damn shebang, do you hear?

Bad news on the immigration front, by the way. My old RAF comrade, Flight Lieutenant Powell, had a word with his son Enoch the other day. You know, the chappie I told you about who deals with visa applications in the civil service. Well, apparently it looks as if Enoch won't be able to do much to help us out after all. According to Flight Lieutenant Powell, he started going on about "rivers of blood" or some such nonsense when he was asked if he could help to get you into the damn country. Still, never mind. At least we should be able to get your mother into the country without too many problems. Maybe she could smuggle you in inside a particularly large suitcase or something. Worth thinking about.

Good news on the job front though. I got talking to Farmer Merino last night down at the Cock and Bull, and he mentioned that he's on the lookout for a chap to artificially inseminate his herd of sheep. Apparently the last fella he got in to do the job was Welsh, and he had completely the wrong idea about what the job involved. Turns out he was caught artificially inseminating a sheep in his own rather unique way in a field that was overlooked by Saint Bunty's Home for Parentally-Challenged Children. Over fifty poor little orphans saw what was going on, by all accounts. Well, when the police arrived, the Welsh chappie explained that this was how they always inseminated sheep where he came from. Told the policeman that if you put the back legs of the sheep down the tops of your damn wellies, it makes it harder for the woolly blighters to escape. Anyway, he's due up in court next month for lewd behaviour in a public place, so Merino's after someone he can rely on to do the job properly now.

What do you reckon, little fella? Would you be interested? I told Merino that you don't come from Wales, so you've probably got a better idea of what's right and proper when it comes to sheep. The job pays fairly well, and there's a bit more responsibility than there was in that other job I told you about, mucking out Gloucester's pigs.

Well, let me know either way little man. But don't leave it too long: jobs like that don't hang around for ever, do you hear? And get back to me with these damn bank account details.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: No bank account

Sent: Wed, 11 May 2005 09:46:32 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

I never had any bank account. I also do not know anyone to use his/her bank account. I am tired. Think of any alternative way as I do not know any. I have never received money from outside Nigeria before, so this is my first experience. Let me know what you think.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: I'll see if my bank can suggest anything

Sent: Thu, 12 May 2005 09:36:37

Wada Nas,

What do you mean, you don't have a bank account, little fella? I thought everybody had a bank account. Take it from me, little man, you should open one up straight away. Start saving, do you hear? Look after the pennies, and the damn pounds will look after themselves, that's what they always say.

It's a damn shame Bartletts don't have any branches in Nigeria. Damn fine bank if you ask me. I've never had a problem with them. But there must be some local bank down your way you can open an account with, surely? I suggest you get down to your nearest bank pronto and see about opening an account right away. After all, what are you planning to do with this money I'm trying to send you? Keep it under your bloody mattress? That's no good, do you hear? You'll want to keep it somewhere safe and secure, you take my advice.

There must be some way I can get this bloody money to you, Wada Nas, but at the moment, short of tying it to the leg of a damn carrier pigeon, I can't think of one. Tell you what. I'll get down to the bank and see if they can think of any other way to transfer money to Nigeria. I'll head down there right away, and get back to you as soon as I get back.

Chin up, little man. We'll get this sorted sooner or later, you'll see.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. You didn't tell me what you thought of that job I told you about, inseminating Merino's sheep. What do you reckon? Are you studying anything biological? Do you have a particular affinity for horned animals? I think it could be an ideal starting job for you. Let me know what you think so I can get back to Merino.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Good news, little fella

Sent: Thu, 12 May 2005 11:04:21

Wada Nas,

Good news, little fella. I've just got back from the bank, and I've managed to transfer the money to your little friend Chinnydoo some other way.

I told my bank manager, Nat West, the problems we've been having with the bloody Western Union network, and he suggested we transfer the money using another damn system: the Federal United Consolidated Worldwide International Transfer Service. Nat West tells me he's used this service himself to transfer money to West Africa on a number of occasions without any problems, so I thought it sounded just the ticket.

So, the good news is that I've transferred the money to Chinnydoo. And even better, he should be able to pick up the money instantly. All he needs to do is to toddle off to a bank - any of the major Nigerian banks, according to Nat West, or any MoneyGram agent - present the attached receipt along with some valid ID, and he can pick up the money there and then.

There's one of those damn test questions for him to answer too, to prevent fraud. Here it is.

Test question: New job?

Answer: Inseminating sheep

I'm confident we'll have cracked this problem once and for all, little man. So, send your little chum Chinnydoo down to the bank right away and tell him to pick up the money at once. Then you'll be able to go out and buy as many damn schoolbooks as you like.

Get back to me when Chinnydoo gets back with the money, won't you?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

(Click to enlarge)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Has Chinnydoo picked up the damn money yet?

Sent: Thu, 12 May 2005 15:26:40

Wada Nas,

What's going on over there, little fella? Has your little friend Chinnydoo picked up the damn money yet?

You really must let me know what's going on. Communication's damn important, do you hear? That was one of the first things I was taught back in the old days, when I was a raw recruit in the RAF.

If you're going to be of any use at all to us in the England for the English campaign, Wada Nas, you'll have to buck your damn ideas up in that department, do you hear me? Can't have you acting as my assistant if I have to give you a hefty poke with a sharp stick every time I want to know what's going on.

Get back to me at once and give me an update on the damn situation. My patience with this whole bloody affair is fast running out.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Could not be traced again

Sent: Thu, 12 May 2005 13:01:15 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

He went there today with a copy of the scanned form but the MoneyGram people told him that the money could not be traced to their system. The money is not there, they said. I am helpless here and do not know what to do.

Ahmed

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Good news, little fella

Sent: Thu, 12 May 2005 14:31:02 -0700 (PDT)

Dear sir,

I have decided to travel to Lagos tomorrow to meet my friend Chinedu so that we both can sort it out together. I will keep you posted as soon as I have this transfer sorted out.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: Do me a favour while you're in Lagos

Sent: Fri, 13 May 2005 09:20:27

Wada Nas,

This is getting ridiculous, little man! Are you sure your little friend Chinnydoo knows what the hell he's doing? What the bloody hell is going on over at your end?

You see what you can sort out, little fella, and get back to me. You must be able to get your hands on my money: my damn bank manager told me he'd transferred money using the Federal United Consolidated Worldwide International Transfer Service himself, so I can't see what the problem is. Is your little friend a bit soft in the head or something?

Get back to me as soon as you can, Wada Nas. We need to get this sorted out once and for all. I'm getting tired of all this bloody endless faffing around.

On another matter, I'm starting to get seriously worried about this Morra chappie I handed over all my money to last week. It's been over a week now and I still haven't heard a peep from Morra, or from his damn lawyer Adekunle, and I was expecting to have received that bloody cocoa fortune from them by now.

This Adekunle chappie's supposed to be based in Lagos. Don't suppose there's any chance you could chase him up for me while you're in town, Wada Nas? You'd be doing me a big favour.

Here's his address: Vincent Adekunle Chambers, 4B, Gerrald Lawson Avenue, Ikoyi, Lagos, Nigeria.

Do me a favour, Wada Nas. Pop round there and see if you can sort things out for me, will you? This Adekunle chappie should have all my details. Let me know how you get on. I'm counting on you, little fella.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: What's going on, little man?

Sent: Mon, 16 May 2005 10:12:48

Wada Nas,

Hello little fella. What's going on at your end, eh? Don't keep me in the dark little man. I'm expecting a status report, forthwith, do you hear?

Have you and your little friend Chinnydoo had any joy trying to get your hands on my damn money? I have to tell you, little man, I'm fast losing patience with you and your ineffectual friends. If you don't get back to me at once, I've a good mind to cancel the FUCWITS transfer I made to Chinnydoo last week and forget all about it.

And have you had any luck tracking down this Adekunle chappie I told you about? I've still not heard a peep from the man, and I don't mind telling you, Wada Nas, that I'm getting seriously worried. I handed over my life's savings to that Morra fella, and now the man's proving more difficult to get hold of than a greased geisha girl.

I'm counting on you now, Wada Nas. Track down this lawyer for me, find out what's going on, and get back to me right away, do you hear?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas; Cc: Mariam Wada Nas; Abdulakarime Dieng; Dr John Basil

Subject: That's it, Wada Nas. I've had enough

Sent: Tue, 17 May 2005 09:34:28

Wada Nas,

That's it, little fella. I've had enough of this whole damn business. It's been going on for too damn long, do you hear me, with the end no nearer in sight than it was in the beginning.

To be perfectly honest, Wada Nas, I'm starting to doubt your whole damn story. It's just too unbelievable to be true. A woman who wears hats made out of wallpaper, a so-called "lawyer" with less brains than a damn teddy bear, a so-called Spanish "security company" run by a muppet-headed moron...

I think I'm best off out of it, Wada Nas, to tell you the truth. I'll just have to start looking around for some other filly to shack up in my damn caravan.

What a bloody waste of my time this whole damn business has been. You should be ashamed of yourself, little man, do you hear? Ashamed of yourself, I say.

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

From: Achmed Wada Nas

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: That's it, Gilbert. I've had enough

Sent: Tue, 17 May 2005 10:45:46 -0700 (PDT)

Wing Commander my ass,

Just to let you know that I've had enough also. I am not surprised at your insensitive deeds because I have never seen any retired air force man without psychiatric problems. I sincerely sympathise with you, old fella.

Be aware that it is of no use to you making any use of those pictures given to you for anything as it was taken from Ovation magazine. Also, the Western Union names are not real, so do not encourage yourself as someone out there is more smarter than you think you are.

Continue with your research as it will yield you nothing. I suggest you talk seriously to your fellow whites (white men) as they are the people that need counselling. Their greed to take what does not belong to them is the main problem. They are taking us blacks as fools, but the opposite is the case. I also have a white colleague here by the name of Suzan Hargreaves. She is a national of your country (UK). In fact I have no time to write you but will do that later.

Regards,

Ahmed

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Achmed Wada Nas

Subject: You mean to say you've been lying to me, little man?

Sent: Wed, 18 May 2005 09:29:47

Wada Nas,

Just got your email, little fella. So, those pictures you sent me of you and your mother were cut out of some damn magazine, were they? So that's not your mother after all, is that what you're saying? You mean to say you've been lying to me, little man? Well you should be ashamed of yourself, acting up like that. You'll give your damn countrymen a bad name, that's what you'll do, you mark my words, little fella.

You're wrong if you think I take anyone as a damn fool as a result of their race, skin colour, nationality, or whatever, little man (well, apart from the damn Cornish, naturally). That just wouldn't be on. The only people I have a problem with are crooks, fraudsters and bounders, wherever they come from. People like yourself, Wada Nas. Miserable little scammers who scrounge a living by conning people out of their hard-earned money. Scum, I believe they're called.

Mind you, I don't suppose you're able to scrounge much of a living out of doing this. After all, you're no bloody good at it, are you? Never come across someone so damn useless in all my life. You're so wet behind the bloody ears, you could grow rice there.

You're probably right, by the way, when you say that there's probably someone out there who's "more smarter" than I think I am. Probably a whole damn bunch of people, to tell the truth. But you and your pathetic criminal colleagues have proved beyond any reasonable doubt that you're not among them.

Have you ever thought of trying to get yourself a proper job, Wada Nas? A decent one... one that doesn't involve defrauding innocent people? It's not too late to change, little fella. I could see if that job mucking out pigs is still open if you like. Do let me know. I think it'd suit you down to the ground. It'd certainly be a step up from what you're doing now. After all, you couldn't possibly sink any lower, could you, little man?

Best regards,

Wing Commander Gilbert Murray, DSO, CBE, SOB (rtd.)

PS. Given that that photo isn't actually of your mother, does you real mother actually wear wallpaper on her damn head?

The Retired Wing Commander III(part 3 of 3)

The Retired Wing Commander III
(part 3 of 3)